(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, TK:Tom Keith)
(GRANDIOSE THEME)
SS: The History of Radio Broadcasting in America.....brought to you by Peabody Caramel Corn. There's a prize in every box of Peabody's. (MUSIC UNDER)
GK: HEY, IT'S CURLY BOB HERE ON A MONDAY, ON K91, YESSIR, THE OLD CURLY BOBSTER ALONG WITH THE OLD STEVERINO, THE STEVEMEISTER HIMSELF, HOW THEY HANGIN THERE STEVE-O
TR: LOOKING FOR YOUR CALLS AT 7:29 IN THE A.M. RIGHT HERE ON OLD K91 OPEN MOUTH RADIO ---- HEY, SNOW COMING DOWN OUT THERE SO IF YOU'RE ON THE ROAD, HEY ---- TAKE IT EASY ---- KEEP THE SHINY SIDE UP, GOOD BUDDY ----
GK: THIS MORNING WE'RE TALKING ABOUT LEFTWINGERS IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT OF OUR TAX-SUPPORTED PUBLIC SCHOOLS, LEFT WINGERS REQUIRING SECOND AND THIRD GRADERS TO SING COMMUNIST SONGS AND AND READ BOOKS ABOUT SAME SEX MARRIAGES ----- WHAT DO YOU THINK? GOOD IDEA? LIKE IT? MAKE YOU FEEL ALL WARM AND WONDERFUL? OR DOES IT FILL YOU WITH ANGER AND LOATHING? THE LINES ARE OPEN, WE'RE GONNA BE BACK AND TAKE YOUR CALLS IN JUST A FEW MINUTES AFTER THESE MESSAGES.
(BAND STING: PD & RD SING: On the job.....with Steve and Curly Bob.)
(PAUSE, RUSTLE OF PAPERS)
TR: You mind keeping your stuff over on your side of the table?
GK: What are you talking about?
TR: You just keep shoving your papers and coffee over on my side like you own the whole table. Lookit this. Your apple Betty. On my side of the table.
GK: Geeze. Sorreee. Didn't mean to offend.
TR: Well? There's two of us and one table and it just stands to reason. Look at this. Coffee spilled from your cup. Am I drinking coffee? No, this is your coffee. Man, I am going to get you a bib and a high chair. Would you mind? A little courtesy?
GK: Courtesy. Oh my. Aren't we something? Hold on, we're back. YES SIR, THAT'S DOUBLE BARREL BEER, THE BEER THAT SHOOTS RIGHT TO YOUR HEAD! THINKING ABOUT TONIGHT WHEN YOU CAN KICK BACK AND CRACK OPEN A COLD ONE JUST LIKE THE OLD CURLY BOBSTER AND WHY NOT MAKE IT A DOUBLE BARREL BEER, IT'S THE MALT LIQUOR THAT GETS YOU THERE QUICKER. SO TELL EM THE OLD BOBSTER SENT YOU, YESSIR. THIS IS WILD MAN RADIO (gk & tr HOWLS)
TR: AND WE'RE TALKING ABOUT LEFTWINGERS, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE HIGHWAY PATROL ---- YOUR PUBLIC SERVANTS, PAID FOR BY YOU, YES THEY ARE, SALARIES PAID BY YOU, MR. JOHN Q. TAXPAYER, THEY ARE THERE TO SERVE YOU, LOOK AT THE SIDE OF THE CAR, "PROTECT AND SERVE" IT SAYS ------ HIGHWAY PATROL, PULLING YOU OVER, FORCING YOU TO TAKE A BREATHALYZER TEST, WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY? WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS? DID BILL AND HILLARY WIPE OUT THE ENTIRE BILL OF RIGHTS OR MAYBE IT MOVED TO MEXICO ALONG WITH EVERYBODY'S JOB. IS THIS AMERICA OR IS THIS ALBANIA, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, YOUR VIEWS ON THE SUBJECT WHEN WE COME BACK AFTER THESE MESSAGES.
(BAND STING: PD & RD SING: Getting Up Early.....with Steve and Curly.)
GK: Would you mind turning your head when you talk so you don't spit all over me? Huh?
TR: I don't know what you're talking about.
GK: Talking about saliva. I'm going to have to get one of those plexiglass shields like they have on the salad bar.
TR: (TAKES CIGARETTE FROM PACK, TAPS IT ON HIS FINGERNAIL. LIGHTS MATCH.)
GK: What are you doing?
TR: What does it look like I'm doing? (HE EXHALES)
GK: You realize there's No Smoking in here?
TR: So what?
GK: You ever hear of the Clean Air Act? You ever hear about manners?
TR: Oh, go stick it in your ear.
GK: You really are a pain to work with. You know that?
TR: Yeah, well, you're not exactly a ride in the wine country.
GK: You spill ashes on me, you blow smoke in my face-----
TR: Look at this! You got your coffee over here, your morning paper spread out over this whole ---- (HE GRABS PAPER AND BALLS IT UP AND THROWS IT INTO THE WASTEBASKET)
GK: What's that about?
TR: I'm reclaiming my side of the table.
GK: You just destroyed my newspaper.
TR: This is my side of the table.
GK: I'm using the newspaper to do this radio show and you just tear it up. How intelligent is that?
TR: Keep your stuff on your side of the table. How many times do I have to tell you?
TK (ON INTERCOM): You guys okay in there?
GK: Mind your own business! If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.
TK (ON INTERCOM): Just looked like you were having a problem.
TR: Just run the board, Fishface, let us do the show.
TK (ON INTERCOM): Sorry.
GK: I'm going to tell you this once, I'm not going to repeat it. Put out the cigarette.
TR: Who died and made you Surgeon General?
(BIG DRAG, EXHALE)
GK: You ever hear of audience ratings? Have you? Does the name Arbitron ring a bell? Back in August, buddy boy, when I was on vacation, this show dropped so far down the ratings they had to call in Roto Rooter. The test of the Emergency Broadcast system got better ratings than you.
TR: Why you----- (THEY STRUGGLE, SOME CRASHING AND CREAKING AND THRASHING)
TK (INTERCOM): Hey, hold on, we're coming back now.
GK: YESSIR THAT'S THE BOAT AND OUTBOARD MOTOR BARN, ON I-94, IN BROOKLYN PARK, WHERE YOU GET THE BIG BIG BIG SAVINGS ON THE WAHINI JETSKI. WHOA. WHAT A BEAUTY. THE WAHINI JETSKI SPECIALLY PRICED FOR THIS 'GET GOOFY ON THE WATER' PROMOTION. SO 'GET GOOFY' DROP IN TONIGHT, THEY'RE OPEN TIL NINE AND TELL EM THE OLD CURLY BOBSTER SENT YOU.
TR: WE'RE TAKING CALLS THIS MORNING ON LEFT WING SAME SEXERS IN THE SCHOOLS, YOUR RIGHT TO DRIVE, AND WE'RE ALSO TALKING ABOUT BREASTS. YESSIR. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT EM? LIKE EM BIG, LIKE EM LITTLE, LIKE EM POINTY? WHAT'S YOUR FEELING ABOUT EM?
GK: O BOY O BOY O BOY O BOY, LOOK AT THE MAZONGAS ON THAT ONE.......(tr & gk HOWL) .
TR: TALKING ABOUT BREASTS, TALKING ABOUT BILL AND HILLARY, COMMUNISM, THE WHOLE BREATHALYZER CONSPIRACY, GIVE US A CALL. WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU.
GK: CURLY BOB AND THE OLD STEVERINO HERE ON WILD MAN RADIO. (tr & gk HOWLS) THOSE PHONE LINES ARE WIDE OPEN, RIGHT AFTER THESE MESSAGES.
TK (ON INTERCOM): You gonna do the Double Barrel spot or you wanna just go with the tape?
GK: Go with the tape.
TK (INTERCOM): Okay. (PAUSE, SOME THROAT CLEARING, SNIFFLING)
TR: Why are you kicking me under the table?
GK: Move your leg then.
TR: I don't know what your problem is.
GK: My problem is you.
TR: You're sick, you know that? Whatever it is you have, I want to do a benefit for, buddy.
GK: (CLICK) Hey Harold, we're gonna take a call. What you got up there?
TK (INTERCOM): Got somebody from River Falls wants to talk about schools.
GK: Okay. Let's get to it right after the commercial. ----
TR: You're a sicko, you know that. I am about ready to throw you overboard, buddy boy.
GK: Oh boy, that is rich. I am the franchise here, pumpkin, you are, I don't know what, the monkey with the cup and the pillbox hat. Man, face it, you are decorative. You are lint on my lapel, pal. Look at the numbers.
TK (INTERCOM): Coming back.
GK: ALL RIGHT, WE'RE BACK AND WE'VE GOT JOANIE ON THE LINE FROM APPLE VALLEY---- JOANIE, WELCOME TO WILD MAN RADIO.
SS (ON PHONE): Yeah, you were talking about teachers a minute ago ---
GK: TALKING ABOUT LEFTWINGERS IN CHARGE OF THE KIDDOES IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS, MAKING EM SING HYMNS TO COLLECTIVISM AND THE IDEA THAT WHAT'S YOURS IS MINE, HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT, JOANIE? THAT SIT OKAY WITH YOU? MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD? ? MAKE YOU PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN?
SS (ON PHONE): What school was this where people did that?
GK: THIS IS YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD TAX SUPPORTED SCHOOL, JOANIE, THE SCHOOL THAT YOU PAY YOUR HARD-EARNED MONEY TO SUPPORT, PAY THROUGH THE NOSE, SO THESE LEFTWINGERS CAN EARN EIGHTY, NINETY, A HUNDRED THOU A YEAR WITH THREE MONTHS OFF IN THE SUMMER, TO PROMULGATE THEIR SOCIALIST PHILOSOPHY ---- HOW MUCH YOU PULLING DOWN PER YEAR, JOANIE?
SS (ON PHONE): Well, I'm a teacher and I never heard of anything like that.
GK: WELL, THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE, TO LET YOU KNOW ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT. ----(CLICK) THANKS FOR THE CALL, SWEETHEART. IT'S 7:35 IN THE A.M. HERE ON K91, SNOWY MORNING, TAKE CARE OUT THERE ON THE ROADS, GOOD BUDDY, BOY THAT JOANIE SOUNDED LIKE A BABE TO ME, HOW ABOUT YOU YOU OLD STEVEMEISTER, YOU OLD HORNDOG YOU. HUH? BABE OR NON-BABE? WHAT'S YOUR GUESS?
TR: SOUNDED LIKE A HOT BOD TO ME. WOULDN'T MIND BEING IN HER CLASS. NO SIR. BET SHE'S GOT PLENTY TO TEACH, HUH? HEY HEY HEY
GK: OH BOY. SHAKE MY BONES, BABY. ROLL ME OVER AND DO IT AGAIN.
TR: MAYBE SHE'LL SEND US A PICTURE OF HER YOU KNOW WHAT.
GK: OH I KNOW WHAT.
TR: LOVE THOSE LIBERAL CHICKS. MMMMMMM BABALICIOUS. WE'RE GETTING WILD NOW! (tr & gk HOWL)
GK: WE'RE GONNA BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE ABOUT LEFTIES IN THE SCHOOLS, THE WHOLE BREATHALYZER CONSPIRACY IN VIOLATION OF OUR U.S. CONSTITUTION, BILL AND HILLARY, AND BREASTS, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT EM. ON WILD MAN RADIO (tr & gk HOWLS) RIGHT AFTER THESE MESSAGES.
(BAND STING. PD & RD SING: On the job.....with Steve and Curly Bob.)
TK (INTERCOM): You want to take more calls or what?
GK: What we got on the line?
TK (INTERCOM): Three right now. Somebody wants to talk about, I donno, waste disposal or something.
GK: Flush em.
TK (INTERCOM): Somebody from A.A. wants to talk about drunk driving.
GK: Oh, get a life. What else?
TK (INTERCOM): And there's somebody wants to hear more about road conditions.
GK: Go to another commercial after this. (CLICK) (PAUSE)
TR: This is my last show with you in the same studio. I mean it. I'm going to move across the hall. I am no longer going to sit here and get kicked in the shins and have your garbage in my lap and ---
GK: Fine. Go.
TR: I'm out of here.
GK: Good. Take your little cancer sticks with you. And when you go, think about this ---- I happen to know what they're paying you and what they're paying me, and let me tell you something, chubby, they're not even close. Not even close.
TR: You don't know anything. How much are they paying me? Take a wild guess.
GK: Two hundred twenty-six thousand, eight hundred a year plus pension and benefits.
TR: Who told you that?
GK: Never mind. I know.
TR: So how much they paying you?
GK: You don't want to know.
TR: Tell me.
GK: I don't want to make you feel bad.
TR: What they paying you, Elvis?
GK: I don't want you to go out and kill yourself. Really.
TR: Tell me.
GK: Four-hundred eighty thousand, plus pension, plus benefits, plus a car.
TR: Ha!!!
GK: Ha, yourself.
TR: You liar. You don't have a company car?
GK: A Lexus. Black leather upholstery. 400 hp, CD player, fax. Built in phone system.
TR: You're not getting anything near four-hundred grand. Nowhere near that! You are such a liar! You have no conception of reality. None. Four-hundred grand!
GK: Four-hundred eighty.
TR: Ha!!!!
GK: You want to see my W-2? Got it right here in my briefcase. Want to see it?
TR: I'm not even listening to you.
GK: You want to see it, it's right here.
TR: You're pitiful, you know that?
GK: Stop spitting on me or I'm going to stuff a hanky in your mouth.
TR: I'd like to see you try it.
GK: Stop spitting.
TR: Don't tell me what to do. (THEY STRUGGLE, SNARLING, AND THERE IS MORE CRASHING AND BREAKAGE AND WOOD CRUNCHING, CONSIDERABLE DESTRUCTION, AND TK YELLING OVER THE INTERCOM: Stop! Cut it out! We're coming back! ETC.)
GK: OKAY WE'RE BACK, SNOWY MORNING, SLOW GOING ON THE INTERSTATE, 7:42 HERE IN THE TWIN TOWNS, AND THE OLD CURLY BOB BOBSTER HERE ALONG WITH MY LITTLE BUDDY STEVERINO.
TR: HEY HEY HEY, WE'RE TAKING YOUR CALLS THIS MORNING, TALKING ABOUT LITTLE KIDS FORCED TO STAND UP IN YOUR PUBLIC SCHOOLS AND SING ---- YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS ---- HYMNS TO COMMUNISM, THAT'S RIGHT, AND SAME SEX MARRIAGE, IN OUR SCHOOLS, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE, UNBELIEVABLE! BUT THERE IT IS.
GK: WE'RE TALKING ABOUT BREATHALYZERS AND HOW THEY'RE USED TO DEPRIVE INNOCENT PEOPLE OF THEIR RIGHTS, A LASTING LEGACY OF THE CLINTON ADMINISTRATION......
TR: WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT AND HOW THEY USE THE SYNCHRONIZATION OF STOP LIGHTS ---- YES, THE SYNCHRONIZATION OF STOP LIGHTS----
GK: CONTROLLED BY A CENTRAL COMPUTER SYSTEM AND OPERATED OUT OF A SECRET BUNKER AT THE HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT----
TR: YOUR HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT, WHICH IS CONTROLLED BY MIDDLE EASTERN TERRORISTS AS WE HAVE SHOWN OVER AND OVER AGAIN ON THIS SHOW---
GK: OIL CARTEL SELLS US THE GAS AND THEY ARE RUNNING THE HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT--- YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS-----
TR: YOUR A-RAB HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT USES A CENTRAL SYSTEM OF STOP LIGHT CONTROL ---- TO DELAY AND DETOUR MOTORISTS DRIVING S.U.V.'S AND PICKUPS WITH PATRIOTIC BUMPER STICKERS ----
GK: UNBELIEVABLE.
TR: YOU SEE THOSE CAMERAS UP ON THE OVERPASSES? OIL CARTEL TERRORISTS IN THE HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT ARE USING THOSE CAMERAS TO SLOW DOWN PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN THE SECOND AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA---- TERRORISTS ARE MAKING THOSE PEOPLE SIT AND WAIT AT ENTRANCE RAMPS SO THAT SIERRA CLUBBERS AND FEMINISTAS CAN SCOOT ON BY AND JUST CRUISE TO WHEREVER THEY'RE GOING WHILE GOD-FEARING PATRIOTS SIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT.
GK: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?
TR: THE LINES ARE OPEN. TELL US WHAT YOU THINK.
GK: HERE'S A CALL RIGHT NOW FROM RUDY ON THE ROAD. HOW YA DOIN, BUDDY?
TK (PHONE, GROWLY): Yeah, callin on my truck phone. Callin from out near Waconia.
GK: HOW'S THE DRIVING THERE?
TK (PHONE, GROWL): Not so bad. Snowin a little.
GK: WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND THIS MORNING, MY FRIEND?
TK (PHONE GROWL): Just wondering what you think about windshield washer fluid?
GK: WHAT ABOUT WINDSHIELD WASHER FLUID, RUDY?
TK (PHONE): How come it costs so dang much? What's goin on? Who's getting the profits from this? I mean, it's nothing but water with some antifreeze in it, right? You can't believe what they're charging for this.
GK: OKAY. HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THESE TERRORISTS IN THE HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT, RUDY? THAT BURN YOUR BACON OR WHAT? HUH?
TK (PHONE): I don't understand why windshield washer fluid costs what it costs now. Do you?
GK: YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S A PROBLEM.
TK (PHONE): So what's goin on? Who's behind it? Somebody's cashin in.
TR: YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE FLUID COMES FROM, RUDY? COMES FROM CANADA. IT'S OUR FRIENDS THE CANADIANS UP TO THEIR OLD TRICKS. LONGEST UNDEFENDED BORDER IN THE WORLD. MAYBE IT'S TIME WE TOOK ANOTHER LOOK.
GK: CANADIANS COMING ACROSS THE BORDER LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS.
TR: GOUGING OUR TRUCKDRIVERS ON WINDSHIELD WASHER FLUID.
GK: SUCKING THE LIFEBLOOD OUT OF OUR ECONOMY AND TAKING AMERICAN DOLLARS NORTH TO PAY FOR THEIR SOCIALIZED MEDICINE.
TR: I TELL YOU, OUR COUNTRY IS UNDER SIEGE AT THIS MOMENT, CANADIANS TO THE NORTH OF US, AND ARAB TERRORIST CONTROL OF OUR HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT. AND WE'LL BE BACK WITH YOUR CALLS RIGHT AFTER THIS.
(BAND STING: PD & RD SING: Stay with us, don't leave.....we'll be right back with Curly Bob and Steve.)
TK (INTERCOM): That was good. I liked that.
GK: You liked that?
TK (INTERCOM): Beautiful.
GK: Yeah. Arab control of the highway department. Perfect.
TR: Don't forget who came up with it.
GK: Oh, just go suck on a cigarette.
TR: Bob---- I want to tell you something.
GK: I'm not listening.
TR: Bob---- I'm through with this. I'm done.
GK: Hey, change the channel, okay?
TR: This time I mean it.
GK: You are such a bore.
TR: I am not going to have you kick me and shove garbage at me and spill coffee on me. I'm done with it.
GK: Stuff it, chubby. You're repeating yourself.
TR: Coffee taste different to you this morning?
GK: What are you talking about?
TR: Simple question. Coffee taste different?
GK: No......
TR: Guess you must be used to the taste of phenobarbitol then.
GK: What?
TR: Starting to kick in, isn't it? Feel sleepy? Things slowing down?
GK: What did you do?
TR: You've got a big dose of phenobarbitol, plus I tossed in some Nembutal and Thorazine.
GK: Why?
TR: You're going down, Curly Bob. I'm taking you down. You're starting to feel confused, your mind is a blank, your palms are sweating. You're an empty six pack right now, buddy boy. When we come back from the commercial in half a minute, you're going to read this script right here. Take a good look. And when you're done, you're going to have to find other work putting price labels on cans of vegetables.
GK: What's going on?
TR: We're coming back now.
TK (INTERCOM): Coming back.
TR: Go.
GK: A reminder: it's pledge week here on member supported radio and if you're not a member we need to hear from you. If you value this service, please ---- do your part. Give us a call. It only takes a minute. Our volunteers are waiting to take your call and get your pledge and tell you about some of our wonderful membership premiums. At the patron level, we have our tote bag and coffee mug. And if you pay by credit card, a recording of the Two and Three Part Inventions by J.S. Bach. What do you say we listen to some of that CD, available to those who call right now and pay with a credit card.
(BACH PIANO, UP AND THEN FADE)
GK: Is that all?
TR: That's all, charley.
GK: It's so quiet.
TR: That's cause a hundred thousand people just tuned to another station. It's all over, buddy.
GK: Am I done now?
TR: You're all done.
GK: I feel really peaceful.
TR: Of course you do.
GK: Can I go now?
TR: You can go now. Just give me your car keys.
GK: You want my car keys?
TR: Give me your car keys.
GK: There's my car keys. (THEME UP)
SS: The History of Radio Broadcasting in America was brought to you by crispy, crunchy Peabody Caramel Corn. There's a prize in every package.
(THEME OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2002