(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, TK:Tom Keith; RD: Rich Dworsky)

GK: ... this portion of our show brought to by Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. Rhubarb... it's the secret of the good life as we know it. --- (ELEGANT MUSIC, RESTAURANT AMBIENCE) It's a very special evening and you've reserved a table for two in the corner at Le Maison de Cuisine for you and Kathy.

SS: Oh, Howard. Ever since I responded to your I.M. in the chat room ----I've been so happy.

TR: Likewise, Kathy. Waiter? The champagne, please. (TK FRENCH. CORK POP, POUR) Here's to us, Kathy.

SS: To us----

TR: Kathy, we've been dating for almost three weeks and I think I know what's in my heart.

SS: What's in that little box?

TR: Kathy---- I------

GK: And just then the waiter lights the cherries jubilee at the next table (BIG POOF) and your toupee catches on fire---- (TR AGITATION) and before you can pour water on it, it's gone----

SS: Howard... you're bald as a billiard ball.

TR: Kathy, I can explain----

SS: You mean all that dandruff on your shoulder---it was phony?

TR: It was actually Kosher salt.

GK: And then a man at a nearby table recognizes you----

TK: Hey, Shamu---- remember me? It's Wally the Human Crocodile. Who's the hot momma?

SS: Who is that strange man, Howard?

TK: Haven't seen you in ten years, buddy boy. You still keep in touch with the old gang ---- Blimpy the Fat Boy, or Koko the bearded lady or the tattooed man? Or the Twins, Chang and Chong? Saw Rocky the Dog-Faced Boy the other day. He married the Human Pincushion, you know. Hey, say hello to Sparky. (SEAL BARKS)

SS: Howard, you never told me about this.

TR: I was in the carnival for a few years. I was Shamu the Lizard Boy. You see, I have webbed toes.

SS: Is there anything else... I should know?

TR: I ate flies, Kathy. I sort of developed a taste for them.

SS: You----- you still eat flies?

TR: I could give it up at any time. Believe me. It's just ---- they're so darned tasty. (FLY) (SWAT) (CRUNCHING)

GK: (RHUBARB THEME) Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of fear and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a slice of rhubarb pie
Serve it up, warm and hot
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

TRIO:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

© Garrison Keillor 2002