(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
GK: .......this portion of our show brought to you by Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. Rhubarb........it's the secret of the good life as we know it ---- nothing takes the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth quite like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(AMBIENCE, BEACH & SURF)
(SLOWLY, INDOLENTLY)
GK: Beautiful place.
SS: Yes. Incredibly beautiful.
GK: I've been looking forward to this.
SS: So have I. The water, the sky, they're like a whole different shade of blue. The vegetation too. The flowers. It's incredibly beautiful.
GK: What time is it back home?
SS: Five thirty.
GK: I wonder if the plumber came.
SS: What plumber? For what?
GK: It's nothing. A leak in the basement. I noticed it when I went down to get the suitcases. Coming out of a pipe by the furnace.
SS: Hw bad was it?
GK: Well, it was sort of gushing, but I'm sure it's all right.
SS: Gushing!!??
GK: I mean, there's a drain in the floor. Right? It'll just drain right out.
SS: You never said anything----
GK: I didn't want to get you upset.
SS: It must've been bad if you called a plumber.
GK: It was sort of gushing, but I'm sure it's all right. Just relax, okay? Just relax. We're on vacation. Let's enjoy it.
SS: Honey, all my paintings are down there in the basement. Right next to the furnace room. There must be eighty or ninety canvases down there.
GK: I'm aware of that. I called the plumber before we left the house, I told him the key would be on the Christmas wreath and he said he could come either today or next Tuesday.
SS: Next Tuesday!
GK: Well, that's what he said.
SS: We're going to let water gush until Tuesday???
GK: It was the best I could do. Okay? We were rushing around packing and the dog was upset and ----
SS: Mitzi! Oh my gosh----
GK: What?
SS: I forgot to call the neighbors and tell them to feed Mitzi. Oh God. Where is my mind?? What is happening to me? I forgot about Mitzi.
GK: She's probably all right.
SS: She's probably dead.
GK: She probably found food somewhere. In the garbage.
SS: I put the garbage out in the garbage can. Oh my god. I'm sitting here on a beach in Hawaii and my dog is dying and my art is under three feet of water. Is that insane or what?
GK: There's food on the counter in the pantry.
SS: Potatoes and onions. You think a dog is going to eat raw potatoes and onions??
GK: There were some bananas. And sugarless gum.
SS: Mitzi does not eat bananas. Or chew gum.
GK: Well, if she were hungry she would.
SS: Would you call the plumber and ask him to feed Mitzi?
GK: Okay. You got the cellphone?
SS: Here.
GK: (KEYS OF CELLPHONE, ELEVEN DIGITS) (PAUSE) Hello. This is Earl Wyandotte from over on Auburn Avenue---- I talked to somebody there last Wednesday about fixing a leak in the basement and I'm just wondering if he might have taken care of that by now. I think his name was Ed. This is the house where the key is in the Christmas wreath. Okay? Bye now. Happy New Year. Bye. (CLICK)
SS: How in the world are they going to make sense of that?
GK: We'll just wait and see.
SS: A couple feet of water and --- it'll all be wiped out. All those seascapes. My southwest pictures. The dog pictures. A lifetime of work.
GK: Well, we have quite a few of your paintings hanging upstairs, don't forget.
SS: A few, yes, but----
GK: Thirty-seven to be exact. Some of them rather large.
SS: You never cared about my art, did you. You'd be happy to see it destroyed in a flood.
GK: That's not true. I like your art. A lot of it I do.
SS: I can't believe this is happening to me. My paintings ruined. My dog dead. My dearest friend. My Mitzi.
GK: The dog is eighteen years old, Janet.
SS: What does that have to do with anything? Huh? Why do you even say that?
TR: Hi, Janet.
SS: Sam! Hi---- You're here??
TR: Yeah. Came yesterday. Hi, Earl.
GK: Hi.
TR: We were at the pool and I saw you down here. Guess we're staying in the same hotel. So how've you been? You look terrific.
SS: Thanks. I'm fine. How're you?
TR: Fine. --- I remarried last April, you know.
SS: I didn't know!! Well, congratulations. I'm very happy for you. Really.
TR: Thanks. Yeah. She's terrific. Her name's Janet too. Isn't that a coincidence?
SS: Really????
TR: So how's Mitzi?
SS: (SHE BURSTS INTO TEARS) Oh it's too much. I can't stand it.
TR: What's the problem?
GK: We're sort of in the midst of a little crisis back home.
SS:(SNIFFLING) I'm sorry. It's just that---- Earl left the water running and all my paintings are lost and Mitzi starved to death. She's dead, Sam. Gone. Our Mitzi.
GK: I didn't leave the water running, there was a leak in the basement.
SS: Oh, it's the same thing, isn't it.
GK: No, it's not at all.
TR: You got a cellphone? Here --- let me call a plumber I know in the neighborhood. (ELEVEN DIGITS, DIALLED RAPIDLY) (PAUSE FOR RING AND PICKUP) Hi. Jack? Sam here. Listen. Janet's got a problem at her house. Could you go over to my house and just inside the back door, there's a rack of keys --- take the one labeled Janet, and go over to 1346 Auburn and let yourself in and see if there's a leak in the basement, and also, the dog needs to be fed. Thanks, Jack. (CLICK)
SS: Oh, Sam. You're an angel.
GK: He has a key to our house??? Him???
SS: It was a very amicable divorce, Earl. Very amicable. And I gave the key to him in case of an emergency.
TR: Hey, Janet ---- that bathing suit. Isn't that the same one you wore when you and I came here?
GK: You came here with him? You never told me.
TR: On our honeymoon. (RING, CELLPHONE) Hello? Oh, hi, Jack. ---- Okay. ---- Good. ---- Great. ---- Thanks, Jack. (CLICK, HANG UP) That was Jack. He checked your basement and everything's fine, no water, and Ellie was feeding Mitzi and she's fine, too.
SS: Oh, Sam. Thank you, thank you, thank you. How can I thank you?? You saved my life, Sam.
TR: It's nothing. My pleasure. Have fun, you two. Bye. (PAUSE)
SS: I'm going back to the room.
GK: Janet----
SS: Don't speak to me.
GK: (RHUBARB THEME) Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of fear and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
One little thing can revive a guy,
And that is a slice of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
TRIO:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
© Garrison Keillor 2001