(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
GK: ...our show is live from Hawaii, following in the footsteps of so many famous shows --- like "I Love Lucy" --- they did a Hawaiian episode:
TR (RICKY): No, Lucy, you cannot be in the luau so take off those ridiculous coconuts!
TR (LUCY): I can't, Ricky! They're stuck!! (SHE WAILS)
GK: Ed Sullivan came here.
TR (ED): We have a very very special surprise for you....... the actual eruption of a volcano, right here on our show.
GK: And Mister Ed-----
TR (HORSE): There's some kind of tall weed growing out here that makes Mr. Ed feel like---- horsing around!!!
GK: And Edward R. Murrow----
TR (MURROW): On Person to Person, we'll be talking to Shamu the Whale.
GK: And Ed Norton.
TR (ED NORTON): Hey hey hey, Ralphie Boy ----Here we are, at the Raccoon Lodge Waikiki.
TR (GLEASON): Check the elevator, Norton. See if it's going up or down.
TR (NORTON): When you get on it, Ralphie, it HAS to go down. Hya, hya, hya.
TR (GLEASON): You want to go to the moon, huh, Norton?
GK: And Carol Channing.
TR (CHANNING): (SINGING) Diamondhead is a girl's best friend!
GK: And Carroll O'Connor.......
TR (ARCHIE): Would you mind? Just stifle it, Edith, and put on your swimsuit.
TR (EDITH): But should I wear the one with the palm fronds or the one with the coconuts, Archie?
GK: You're too young to remember this, but a ukulele-playing radio star of my youth did shows from here, Mr. Arthur Godfrey.
TR (GODFREY): Lipton Instant Tea is so good, especially with a shot of rum in it. Oh boy. Try it with our Lipton Instant Wikiwiki Soup. So aromatic your family will never know it's raw fish and fungus.
GK: And who could forget The Road to Hawaii, with Bing Crosby----
TR (BING CROSBY): Bebebababooboobum (MORE SCAT)
GK: And Mr. Bob Hope.
TR: (BOB HOPE) I just flew in today and boy, are my arms tired.
GK: So many great stars of yesteryear. Jim Nabors-----
TR (GOMER): Hawaii! Goll---eee.
GK: Richard Nixon came here on his way to China.
TR (NIXON): I've decided to walk along the beach, Bob, with my hands clasped behind my back and then stop and look out to sea for a moment and then I'll turn to my right, put my hands in my pockets, and return to the hotel.
GK: Liberace was a big star here, of course.
TR (LIBERACE): These are my sealskin shorts and my sealskin T-shirt.
GK: And then of course there was the King. He did a movie here and a huge TV special.......and he also ordered the specials.
TR (ELVIS): Yeah, Room Service, listen, I'd like the deep-fried pineapple and an extra large hunkahunka shamalama pizza with extra bananas and peanut butter on that, okay, chief?
GK: And speaking of food, Julia Child was here----
TR (JULIA): We marinate the puu-puu in a very light mango sauce and then we take a half cup of brandy ---- in our mouth --- and we hold a lighted torch under our chin as we spray the brandy into the air----- oui, oui!
GK: And of course Mr. Rogers came here, too.
TR (ROGERS): Hawaii is part of my neighborhood. Yes, it is. And Mr. Rogers loves to visit Hawaii. Yes, he does. Would you like to know why? Would you? Well, it's none of your business. No, it isn't.
GK: We're glad to be here in the footsteps of so many greats who stood head and shoulders above us and in the words of the King himself, we'd like to say:
TR (ELVIS): Aloha, aloha very much, everybody.
(MUSICAL PLAYOFF)
© Garrison Keillor 2001