(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
(BIG THEME)
TR: And now Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Fine Automotive Products presents another episode in THE ROAD TO TOMORROW----- Like dry leaves carried on the wind, we are borne ceaselessly forward --- forward on the ROAD TO TOMORROW----
(MUSIC)
GK: Hi, Mom. How was your Christmas?
SS (OLD LADY): Oh. Hello, Larry. It was very nice. Sat right here in my wheelchair and spent the day with my friends on television and had turkey loaf and instant mashed potatoes and string beans and little plastic packets of cranberry sauce --- you could get as many packets as you wanted. And then my friend Evelyn came up for our Metamucil nightcap. And I was asleep by eight-thirty.
GK: They served you cranberry sauce in plastic packets?
SS (OLD LADY): It was delicious.
GK: Why couldn't they put it in a dish, a little cutglass dish with a spoon? Packets.
SS (OLD LADY): It was just fine.
GK: And turkey loaf? Mom --- you own an entire hotel chain, four banks, two car dealerships, a publishing company---- you could afford a really nice dinner----
SS (OLD LADY): I got along just fine without it, Larry. How was your Christmas?
GK: It was okay.
SS (OLD LADY): You went to dinner with your girlfriend Misty, right?
GK: Right.
SS (OLD LADY): That must have been wonderful for you.
GK: It was okay.
SS (OLD LADY): You know, all an old lady needs to make her happy is to know that her little boy happy. That's all I need. I sit here in my little room at the Good Shepherd Home and as long as I know that you're having caviar and oysters and grilled swordfish on a bed of lobster risotto and a full-bodied Chardonnay with a bouquet of apples, tangerines, honey, and spring flowers, and a long rich finish, and six different gourmet cheeses for dessert, and a 1965 port wine --- that's what gives me pleasure.
GK: The cranberry sauce in packets ---- I suppose it wasn't the chunky kind----
SS (OLD LADY): No, it was the jelloey kind.
GK: You always preferred the chunky----
SS (OLD LADY): It was just fine. So was the turkey loaf. And they gave each of us a little gift---
GK: What did they give you?
SS (OLD LADY): A glass ball with a little house and barn inside and you turn it upside down and the snow swirls around.
GK: That's all?
SS (OLD LADY): I got a big kick out of it. I had my Metamucil and kept turning the ball over and watching it snow---- and thinking about you and your lobster risotto.
GK: Mom, the lobster risotto was nothing to write home about---- okay? I can't believe that, about the cranberry sauce----- in packets.
TR (IRISH): Hello!! Mind if I stick my head in here???
SS (OLD LADY): Why, it's Father O'Neill----
TR (IRISH): Faith, yes. Top of the evening to you, Mary. And who's this?
SS (OLD LADY): This is my son Barry, Father.
GK: Larry----
TR (IRISH): So I suppose you had lots of visitors for Christmas, Mary ---- lots of presents ---
SS (OLD LADY): No, I was here alone, Father, and it was just fine. I had my snow ball and my packets of cranberry sauce and my Metamucil-----
GK: I'm curious about the cranberry sauce, Father O'Neill --- why it doesn't come in a cut-glass dish with a spoon instead of in plastic packets. Like ketchup.
TR (IRISH): Well, let me tell you, my boy. Last year, we served cranberry sauce in cut glass dishes, and some poor old mother eating Christmas dinner alone --- she heard a knock at the door and in her excitement, thinking it might be one of her beloved children come to visit, she leaped out of bed, knocking the dish to the floor and breaking it and then she ran across the shards of glass ---- the jagged shards ---- in her little bare feet and just short of the door, she fainted and fell down and bled to death. Aye. And the person at the door? It wasn't one of her children. No. It was one of the Protestant chaplains. And he looked down and he saw the blessed rosary in her hand and he said, "Oh well, not one of ours." And off he went.
GK: Forgive me, Mom. Next Christmas I'm going to be right here with you. And I'll bring the cranberry sauce.
SS (OLD LADY): I don't know that there'll be a next year, Larry.
GK: Why do you say that?
TR (IRISH): Could I have a word with you alone, Larry----
GK: Okay. ----(FOOTSTEPS) What's wrong?
TR (IRISH): (HUSHED) Your mother is not expected to live long, Larry.
GK: What happened?
TR (IRISH): Your mother is a saint, Larry ---- she read an article in a magazine about Mexican people in need of organ transplants, and...well, your mother donated quite a few of her organs, Larry.
GK: She did???
TR (IRISH): We tried to talk her out of it, but she was adamant.
GK: Which organs?
TR (IRISH): Her kidneys, her lungs, her heart, her liver, and both retinas.
GK: She donated all that???
TR (IRISH): And then we discovered it was a mistake in translation: the Mexicans weren't looking for organs, they were looking for organic kohlrabi. So it was all for nothing. We couldn't bear to tell her.
GK: But how is it possible to live without a heart and lungs?
TR (IRISH): It's a miracle, Larry. Nobody knows how. But I don't think you should assume she'll be here next Christmas. Not without lungs and heart and liver. I think I'd best leave you two alone now. God bless you. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
GK: Oh, Mom. I'm so sorry---- I feel so bad---
SS (OLD LADY): Oh, don't you worry about me, I'm just fine.
GK: Mom, what can we do for you? To make you more comfortable?
SS (OLD LADY): Larry----all I need is to know that you're happy.
GK: Are you kidding? I'm racked with guilt, Mom. Thinking of you donating all your vital organs and then being alone for Christmas and getting cranberry sauce in plastic packets----- it breaks my heart.
SS (OLD LADY): I'm just fine.
GK: But aren't you in pain?
SS (OLD LADY): Honey, I've been in pain for years, I don't know anything else----.
GK: And now you're blind? Why?
SS (OLD LADY): My retinas were needed by others, Larry. I've seen everything I care to see.
GK: Mom --- I hate to bring this up, but ---- seeing as your vital organs are gone, don't you think it's time to think about drawing up a will? I mean, Daddy left you the entire hotel chain, the banks, the car dealerships, the publishing company----
SS (OLD LADY): I made my will already, Larry. I took care of it on Christmas.
GK: Okay. Good----
SS (OLD LADY): I left everything to the Audubon Society.
GK: I see.
SS (OLD LADY): It's going to their winter feeding program for nuthatches and chickadees.
GK: Okay.
SS (OLD LADY): We're going to build a thousand feeders in the woods and stock them with cracked corn and sunflower seeds.
GK: All right.
SS (OLD LADY): So nuthatches and chickadees will survive the winter.
GK: There is food in the woods, Mom --- seeds and berries and ---- birds have been foraging in the woods for centuries----
SS (OLD LADY): That food is covered with snow.
GK: Not all of it is covered with snow.
SS (OLD LADY): The feeders will be out in the open, each one lit by a big floodlight with a switch that goes on at sundown.
GK: You'll probably get a lot of squirrels in those feeders, Mom.
SS (OLD LADY): There'll be men assigned to each feeder to keep squirrels away. And to put out fresh cranberries. A cranberry a day can keep a chickadee from having kidney problems. Did you know that?
GK: Okay, but we're talking about six or seven hundred million dollars, Mom. That's a lot of dough to throw at the birds, Mom. I hate to see you rush into some big decision that you might regret later----
SS (OLD LADY): For me there is no "later," Larry. I have no lungs, no heart......for me, there is only today. (COUGHS) For me, there is----- (SHE SLUMPS)
GK: Mom? Mom, your chin is on your chest---- and you're drooling--- Mom? (FOUR FOOTSTEPS AND STOP) I wonder if she left her will over here in the dresser---
TR (IRISH): Are you looking for this, Larry?
GK: Father O'Neill-----
TR (IRISH): It's your mother's will disposing of the entire family empire ----
GK: May I see it, Father?
TR (IRISH): No need, Larry. No need. Your mother was confused without her lungs and all. So I made a few small changes on my own. Instead of the Audubon Society, she's leaving a third of it to the Loyal Sons of the Shamrock and a third to the Order of St. Walt. And one third to you, Larry. All you need to do is witness it. What do you say? Here's a ballpoint.
GK: I feel terrible about going against Mom's wishes, but she's in paradise now, so I'm sure she doesn't care one way or the other. (SIGNS HURRIEDLY) There.
TR (IRISH): Fine. We'll just tuck it under her pillow and let the nuns find it.
GK: Okay.
TR (IRISH): Let me ask you this, Larry. When you get your hundred and fifty million or so, what do you intend to do with it?
GK: Well, I'm a writer, Father.
TR (IRISH): I'm aware of that.
GK: I write for a porno magazine, Father.
TR (IRISH): Yes, your mother told me.
GK: A magazine called Hot To Trot. I write the captions for the pictures --- captions that nobody ever reads----
TR (IRISH): She showed me some of your work, Larry. I thought it was quite accomplished.
GK: This money will enable me to give up writing for Hot To Trot and devote myself to writing the serious novel I've always wanted to write. It's called, The Road To Tomorrow.
TR (IRISH): Catchy title.
GK: So, after years of writing about perky vivacious Bambi showing off her splendors as she gambles in the dells ---- I can write what I always yearned to write----
TR (IRISH): Fine. Splendid.
SS (OLD LADY): Oh, me. I must've dozed off---- I'm sorry. What time is it?
GK: Mom!
SS (OLD LADY): And what's this paper under my pillow?
(THEME UP)
TR: Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Fine Automotive Products has presented another episode of THE ROAD TO TOMORROW----- Like lemmings drawn toward the sea, we are borne ceaselessly forward --- forward on the ROAD TO TOMORROW---- (MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2001