(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions----- Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was a cold winter's night and I was alone in my office, making
origami birds out of my unpaid bills, and feeling sort of blue. New Year's Eve was just around the corner, and once again, I didn't have a date. It looked like I'd be ringing in the new year with the same old friends: Jose Cuervo, Ben & Jerry, and Sara Lee. So I headed over
to the Five Spot to commiserate with Jimmy the bartender.
(MUSIC BRIDGE) (DOOR OPEN, JINGLES, CLOSES)
TR (JIMMY): So how was your Christmas, Guy?
GK: You ever sit in a middle seat in row 34 on a plane that's parked on the runway for three hours waiting to take off for Beirut?
TR (JIMMY): No, never have.
GK: Well, that's what it was like.
TR (JIMMY): You go to your sister Georgina's?
GK: Yeah.
TR (JIMMY): How are her kids?
GK: You ever spend three hours being attacked by cocker spaniels?
TR (JIMMY): Can't say as I have.
GK: Georgina brought her kids up to feel free to express themselves. A bad move. And then you got my brother-in-law Al. The joker. He knows three or four of them. And they bring him so much pleasure. And he leans in close when he tells you the one dirty one he knows, and the guy has breath that would knock a buzzard off a carcass. I swear, it smells like Al has been eating out of landfills. So it was torture. Torture by Christmas. Where'd you go for Christmas?
TR (JIMMY): Gabrielle's.
GK: Gabrielle----
TR (JIMMY): My girlfriend.
GK: Your girlfriend! When did this happen?
TR (JIMMY): August. I went to the World Tango Tournament in Helsinki.
GK: You?
TR (JIMMY): Me.
GK: Jimmy, you're a guy who has a hard time whistling and stirring at the same time.
TR (JIMMY): I know. Somehow I developed this knack for the tango. Went to Helsinki in August and met Gabrielle and she's from Chicago and we hit it off and ---- now we're talking about tying the knot.
GK: I'm flabbergasted.
TR (JIMMY): Yeah, she's quite a woman.
GK: I always assumed you were in the same boat I am.
TR (JIMMY): Yeah, I know you did.
GK: I haven't had a date for so long I forget what you do.
TR (JIMMY): If you want to know, ask me. (PHONE RING, PICK UP)
TR (JIMMY): Five Spot. Jimmy speakin'. ---- Oh, sure, Rico. He's right here. ---- (TO GUY) For you.
GK: Yeah. Noir here.
TR (RICO, ON PHONE): Hey Noir---- how you come you never found me a Christmas gift for my girlfriend Angela, huh? You were supposed to follow her around and see what she was looking at in shop windows and tell me.
GK: I followed your girlfriend for two weeks, Rico.
TR (RICO): And?
GK: Only shop windows she looked in were baby stores.
TR (RICO): What you talking about?
GK: She kept looking at cribs and little blankets----
TR (RICO): You lying to me, ya meatball?
GK: Angela seems very interested in baby carriers and little booties.
TR (RICO): I'll come over there and kick your bootie----
GK: I'm only the messenger, Rico. Just the angel bringing good tidings. (HANG UP) Rico's a little miffed. Hope he doesn't come looking for me. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLES, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS.)
TR (JIMMY): Hey, Doris. How you doin?
SS (DEEP): Not bad, Jimmy. I finally sold my house and now I'm heading south. Naples, Florida.
TR (JIMMY): Is that right?
SS (DEEP): I don't know if it's right but I'm doin' it anyway. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm going where there's no frost except in the fridge. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
TR (JIMMY): Nice cocktail dress, Doris. Christmas gift?
SS (DEEP): Nope. Bought it for myself. ---- Hi, good-looking.
GK: Hi, Doris.
SS (DEEP): What you up to for the rest of my life, huh? Whaddaya say? Florida, baby. You wanna live the high life with an experienced woman?
GK: I hadn't given it much thought, Doris.
SS (DEEP): Think about it. Got a bottle of Kahlua and a full tank of gas and cash up the wazoo ---- and moi. What I lack in physical charm, I make up for in knowhow. (SHE DOES A LITTLE LATIN MOVE)
Bring me one of those Papa Ooh Mow Mows, Jimmy. With papaya juice. Care for one, Guy?
GK: No thanks.
SS (DEEP): Might pep you up. You're looking kinda droopy.
TR (JIMMY): One Papa Ooh Mow Mow coming up. (MUSIC)
GK: Doris cooked for years at Al's Breakfast Towers. Fixed me so many orders of scrambled eggs with sausage, she started to think we were married. And just then-----
(DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Hi, sweetheart.
TR (JIMMY): Hi, Angel. (SEXY SAX) Like you to meet Gabrielle, Guy.
GK: Hi.
SS: Hi. Jimmy's told me so much about you.
(SAXOPHONE UNDER.....)
GK: She was blonde and her skin was like melted caramel and her jeans were so tight, I could read the dates on the quarters in her pocket. To think that she knew my name was more thrilling than I can tell you. She looked like someone whose job it is to stand on stage while you come running up out of the audience and give you the Oscar.
SS: Is something wrong, Mr. Noir?
(SFX. HEARTBEAT, MUSIC UNDER.....)
GK: She was a woman I'd have no idea how to say no to. Nuclear secrets, directions to Wauwautosa ----- anything in my power to give. She made me feel privileged just to be breathing air she had recently exhaled. -----No, nothing's wrong, Gabrielle. I think I may be hallucinating, but I'm sure it'll pass.
SS: Jimmy says you know everything about nightlife in this town, Mr. Noir, and how to have a good time.
GK: Well, I used to.
SS: I want to take Jimmy out dancing tonight. I thought you might have some ideas.
(MUSIC UNDER....)
GK: My first idea was to kill Jimmy with a clothes hangar and take Danielle to the airport and slap my Visa card on the counter and go as far as it'd take us. ---- Well, that's nice you got yourself a boyfriend to go out dancing with, kid.
SS (DEEP): Don't have a boyfriend, that's why I'm in here. You got a girlfriend?
GK: Not talking to you, Doris. Talking to this young lady here----
SS (DEEP): She your daughter, Guy?
GK: No.
SS (DEEP): Granddaughter----
GK: Mind your own business, Doris. So you met Jimmy at a tango tournament, huh, Gabrielle?
SS: In Helsinki. He danced me around the floor until one of my slippers came off----
GK: Glass?
SS: No. Just an ordinary slipper. And he found it and put it back on my foot. And the sight of him kneeling in front of me---- I found it very exciting, Mr. Noir.
GK: Uh huh. How would you feel, Gabrielle, if, say, a guy lay face down in front of you and put his face in the dirt and wept?
SS (DEEP): Let me see it, I'll tell you how I feel.
TR (JIMMY): Here's your Papa Ooh Mow Mow, Doris. (FOOTSTEPS) How about you, Guy? Last call. I'm closing up early. Gabrielle and I have a date.
GK: A martini with a soybean in it, Jimmy.
SS (DEEP): She sure is a looker, isn't she.
GK: Yeah.
SS (DEEP): In dim light, with a couple of stiff drinks, you might be able to confuse me with her.
GK: I don't think so, Doris.
SS (DEEP): Got my Mustang out front and it's pointed south. I may look a little shopworn but there's plenty of va-va-voom in the old girl yet.
GK: I'm too old for romance, Doris.
SS (DEEP): As long as you can still fog up a mirror, you're never too old--
GK: My heart has been broken so many times, it jingles when I walk.
SS (DEEP): Hey, it's New Year's. You just pick out a star that looks good to you, and you follow it. What do you say?
GK: Here's to you, Doris. Happy trails. And Happy New Year to you, kid.
SS: Happy New Year, Mr. Noir.
TR (JIMMY): What about me?
GK: Never mind about you.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye.
© Garrison Keillor 2001