(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
GK: ---- We had a top-secret visit a few weeks ago from the CIA.
TR (FRED FARRELL): Mr. Wyler, I'm Special Agent Dan Waller and this is Special Agent Donna Warner.
SS (FLEXNER): Please sit down, Mr. Wyler, or I'll have to give you a great big noogie.
TR: We're waging a war against terrorism, Mr. Wyler. We're looking for tall men with weird eyebrows and we're checking their shoes for burn marks.
GK: You think I have weird eyebrows?
SS: There are aspects of weirdness to your eyebrows, yes.
TR: We're more concerned about your radio show, Mr. Wyler ---- that terrorists could send out birthday or anniversary greetings that contain subtle coded messages to operatives around the country.
SS: "Happy 105th birthday, Grandma" could refer to a sneak attack on January 5th on Grand Marais, Minnesota.
GK: But---- our audience is made up mainly of birdwatchers and geography teachers and reference librarians, Agent Waller.
SS: Special Agent. We're Special Agents. Both of us.
TR: The wily terrorist mastermind Al Shazeera could use your show to communicate with his henchmen, and for that reason, next week we want you to say that you're broadcasting from Madison, Wisconsin.
GK: But--- we'll actually be in Omaha. Won't people be able to tell the difference?
SS: In a word: no.
TR: So while you're in Omaha, saying you're in Madison, our Special Ops fellows will be hiding in the Oscar Mayer Theater in Madison, on the lookout for tall men with strange eyebrows.
SS: And then, the following week, in January, when your show is in Calgary, Alberta, you'll say you're broadcasting from Honolulu, Hawaii.
GK: But who would ever believe that anyone would fly all the way to Honolulu to do a radio show?
SS: Terrorists would.
TR: We've studied the terrorist mind, Wyler.
GK: So on January 5th, when we're in Alberta, you want us to say we're in Hawaii?
TR: And in Omaha, you'll say you're in Madison.
GK: What happens when we go back to St. Paul?
SS: You'll say it's Fargo.
GK: I don't think I can do that, Agent Warner.
SS: Special Agent.
GK: I don't think I can do that, Special Agent Warner.
SS: If you don't, I going to have to severely sprain your ankle.
GK: Our show today coming to you from Madison, Wisconsin.
(ON WISCONSIN)
© Garrison Keillor 2001