(GK: Garrison Keillor; TR: Tim Russell; SS: Sue Scott; Buffalo Philharmonic Chorus Chamber Singers)
GK: Christmas is a show. It's not a committee meeting or a therapy session or a memorial service. It's a show---- (TAP DANCING)
SS (SINGS): I'm putting on my top hat,
Mashing sweet potatoes,
Wrapping up a tie.
I'm dancing on the tables,
Hanging up a spruce bough,
Making pecan pie.
GK: And you can't have a show without singing. A Christmas that's all talk is going to wind up dark and bitter -----
TR: I just can't believe what's going on this country today. Politics --- business --- the arts ---- education---- wherever you look. Unbelievable.
SS (OVERLAPPING): He's been terrible to her. Just terrible. I don't see why she doesn't leave him and get a divorce. I've told her that. Hundreds of times.
GK: Christmas without music always winds up with people getting all moody and gloomy.....
TR (OVERLAP): Went to the doctor last week and found out that my prostate is the size of a breadbox. I've been spending so much time in the men's room, they're naming a stall after me. So I'm on this medication that makes me depressed and logy. But what can you do?
SS (OVERLAP): All their kids are messed up. But what can you expect? They spoiled em rotten.
TR (OVERLAP): I read somewhere that yogurt causes a bacterial growth in the brain----
SS (OVERLAP): I've been reading a book about the Middle East. Essentially it's a hopeless situation.
TR: So she died of an infected gallbladder. Thirty-six. Too bad.
GK: And everyone winds up sitting staring into their wine glasses, moody as woodchucks.
You need music. If your family can't carry a tune, hire a choir. As soon as the guests arrive, grumping about traffic on the Interstate, sprinkle sparkle dust on them and give them a glass of wine. And then open up the bedroom door and out comes the choir.
CAROL
GK: When you do Christmas, you're putting on a show. Lighting is so important. Turn the lights down low (ROMANTIC VIOLIN) and place a few candles around (GLISS) --- nothing better than candles (DINGS), one here, one there (DINGS), long slender tapers, you can't go wrong with them ---. And costumes are important. How about putting a little Santa beard and cap on your dog? Maybe your husband could dress up as an elf. Maybe you could put on a bikini with ornaments taped to it. It's a way of telling your guests: this is going to be fun, so don't get mopey.
Half of your guests are likely to be a little dull. Conversationally-challenged.
(DELIBERATE TEMPO)
SS: Good dressing.
TR: Yeah.
SS: You make it?
TR: No.
SS: Oh. I thought maybe you did.
TR: No.
SS: What you up to these days?
TR: Me?
SS: Yes.
TR: Not much. You?
SS: Same old same old. Still working at UniTran?
TR: Yeah. You're still at---
SS: DynaBrac. Right. You still with Martha?
TR: No.
SS: Oh. What happened?
TR: Oh, you know.
SS: Sure.
GK: When the conversation lags, open up the back door and bring in the choir.
CHOIR
GK: Christmas is a show, and the problem with most Christmases is the lack of a strong Second Act. Two hours pass and there is no plot development. Every Christmas needs a good crisis --- no crisis, no show, it's as simple as that. Here's an example of a crisis. The hostess says:
SS: Anybody for more turkey?
GK: And she picks up the turkey platter to pass it and she drops it on the floor (CRASH OF PLATTER) ---- (CROWD, INTAKE OF BREATH)
SS (WEEPY, HYSTERICAL): I've taken about all I can take! Everybody expects me to be the responsible person in this family! Expects me to manage things, buy the presents, make the dinner, make the rest of you happy! Well, I refuse to be that person for you anymore! I am tired of staging a show for you! That's all it is! A show! A charade!
GK: And then she dashes to the bathroom. (FAST RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) And locks herself in. (DOOR SLAM, LOCK, CROWD CONSTERNATION) And they have to call the fire department (SIRENS) and men with axes come in (FIREMEN) and they knock down the door (WOOD SPLINTERING) and they grab her as she's about to flush the turkey down the toilet---
SS: Die! I overcooked you anyway! Die!
GK: And they carry her into the living room and lay her on the couch and force brandy between her lips and her husband holds her hand---
TR (WEEPING): How can we ever make it up to you, Janice? I feel so ashamed!
GK: And her mother weeps.
SS (OLD LADY, WEEPY): It's all my fault.
GK: And Uncle Earl gets weepy.
TR (OLD MAN, WEEPY): We love you, Jane.
SS: It's Janet, you idiot. Janet!
GK: And the dog is upset. (DOG HOWL) And suddenly the room is full of smoke. (CONSTERNATION) It's the pies burning in the oven. The firemen (FIREMEN) bring in their hoses and (WATER GUSHING) pump about ten-thousand gallons into the kitchen and when the fire is out, you bring in the choir.
CHOIR
GK: It can't be emphasized enough: a good Christmas is a Christmas with a crisis. People sit at the table digesting animal fats and their I.Q. sags and their eyelids get heavy and if you don't get some conflict ---- a teenager going ballistic ----
SS: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! (SMALL SHRIEK) Pass the
potatoes.
GK: Or some other big surprise.
TR: I have something I need to say. I've kept this a secret for too long now. Margaret and I have left the Unitarian church. We're --- we're Pentecostal now. (INTAKE OF BREATH) We've been filled with the Holy Spirit. We wear Oral Roberts wristwatches and we speak in tongues and everything. In fact, I think I'm about to right now! (ITALIAN OUTBURST)
GK: Something dramatic has to happen at Christmas. Maybe the dog jumps up on the table (WOOFS) (SS: Rex! No!) and knocks the gravy boat into Uncle Earl's lap. (SLOSH OF GREASE,
(TR: SCREECH OF PAIN)
GK: You need drama. And then you need reconciliation.
SS: I've been a fool. A crazy selfish fool. I never realized how close this family really is. Forgive me. I love you. Every last one of you.
GK: And everybody hugs and the dog is happy (WOOFS) and there's a knock at the door (KNOCKS) and it's a little boy on crutches----
TR (CHILD, COCKNEY): God bless us. Everyone.
GK: And an old man in a nightshirt---
TR (SCROOGE): I am as light as a feather, I am as happy as an angel, I am as merry as a schoolboy. A merry Christmas to everybody!
GK: And standing next to him is Jimmy Stewart.
TR (STEWART): No man is a failure who has friends. Remember that, honey. (BELL DING)
SS (ZUZU) Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.
TR (STEWART): That's right, that's right. ----Attaboy, Clarence.
GK: And there's a little girl with red slippers----
SS: If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with! Oh, Auntie Em -- there's no place like home!
GK: And the snow is falling all across this great land of ours, and the lights are twinkling, and there is a choir. You hired them for three hours and they still have a few minutes left.
CHORUS
© Garrison Keillor 2001