(GK: Garrison Keillor; TR: Tim Russell; SS: Sue Scott )
(MUSIC)
GK: Do you remember when we used to go to plays and concerts and read books and have wonderful dinners and converse with our friends about ideas? Do you remember that? Back before we had these rotten children who treat us like Russian serfs? Maybe it's time to head for Buffalo. You can go to plays there---
TR (BRIT): I knew him well, Horatio!
GK: And concerts. (BIG PIANO CHORDS) And read books and go to dinner and order food you can't have at home ---
TR: A dozen Malpeque oysters and the sirloin tartare and a martini.
GK: And talk about ideas.
TR: The bottom line is that with mutability comes change.
GK: And meanwhile the children are in the care of Sister Immaculata at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints Catholic Youth Retreat Center----
SS: When the Communists take over this country, they're going to take you children one by one into a room and ask you if you believe in God. And if you say yes, they'll execute you on the spot and you'll go straight to heaven. And if you say no, they'll let you live but when you die you'll go to hell and you'll burn for eternity like a marshmallow on a stick. I want you to think about that. And now say twenty-five Our Fathers and go to bed and turn out the lights. And if I hear so much as a whisper out of you, we'll keep you here for another week while your blessed parents read more books and have more nice dinners. You hear me?
GK: Yes, if you need a break from a life of servitude to your children, why not try a week in Buffalo? You stay at the Buffalo Ritz going to shows and eating oysters and your children stay at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints Catholic Youth Retreat Center ----
SS: We're expecting forty inches of snow this weekend, children, and you are going to go out and shovel sidewalks and then on Monday the Communists will be here.
GK: Buffalo---- the city that doesn't fool around.
© Garrison Keillor 2001