(GK: Garrison Keillor; TR: Tim Russell; SS: Sue Scott)
A child is born in Bethlehem. Bethlehem.
That gladdens all Jerusalem. Halleluiah. Halleluiah.
SS: People! Your attention please! House of David in this line here. House of Mahazarat over there. We need your cooperation so we can get this census done. By the way, the census office closes in fifteen minutes and reopens on Wednesday the 26th.
TR (OFF): Tuesday!???
SS: It's the holidays.
A virgin woman poor as we. Poor as we.
Conceived the baby secretly. Halleluiah. Halleluiah.
SS: This the line for rooms at the inn?
TR: I think so. We're from Nazareth. We came down for the census.
SS: You got a reservation?
TR: No, we're on standby.
SS: Well, these inns always over-book. You'll probably get a room.
TR: Folks, if I could have your attention--- Thank you for your patience. I'm very sorry, but the inn is completely sold out for tonight. I want to apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you, but due to a systems error in our Jerusalem office, there simply are not any rooms. This was not the fault of the Bethlehem staff. Once again, I apologize for the inconvenience, I hope you have a good evening here in Bethlehem or wherever your final destination may be. And I hope that you will think of Holy Day Inns in the future, when making your travel plans.
In a crib, she laid him down.
With joy, the angels gathered round.
The Wise Men offered gold and spice,
To welcome him, sweet Jesus Christ.
SS: Are you three together?
TR: Yes.
SS: Says here you're Wise Men.
TR: That's right.
SS: You have any proof of that?
TR: Well, these two are associate wise men, and I'm the chairman of the Wisdom Dept.
SS: Destination?
TR: We're not sure. We're seeking.
SS: Seeking?
TR: To find the King. The Christ Child.
SS: What's in the bags?
TR: Gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
SS: Gifts?
TR: Yes.
SS: Mind if I have a look?
TR: Go right ahead.
SS: How do I know this is myrrh?
TR: It just is.
SS: You pack this bag yourself?
TR: Yes.
SS: This bag been under your control since you packed it?
TR: Yes.
SS: Okay. Step into that line there. Have your picture ID out and available.
The shepherds came from far and near,
And recognized their Savior dear. Halleluia. Halleluia.
SS: Easy for the angels to say, "Go and behold" --- Fine. Great. But how do we find the place? There's a thousand stables around here.
TR: They said to follow the star. The brightest one.
SS: Well, which one is that exactly? Kind of hard to tell, if you ask me. Comparing the brightness of stars.
TR: I'd say, that one.
SS: Which?
TR: That bright one there.
SS: You're pointing at about a hundred-thousand stars right now, okay? Kind of hard to distinguish if you ask me.
Along our way, the bright stars shine,
The happiness of all mankind.
SS: Sir? We're looking for the Holy Family----
TR: The man and woman who found no room at the inn and she was great with child?
SS: Yes.
TR: Three blocks that way, hang a left. Two blocks. On your right, street takes a Y --- keep to your left, and look for an alley. It's in there. Can't miss it. There's three wise men there --- parked their camels outside ---- and the place is crawling with shepherds, and the holy family has little round lights around their heads.
SS: How do you know all this stuff?
TR: I'm a doorman. We know everything.
The angels teach us harmonies
That echo through the centuries.
And someday angels we shall be
And Jesus' gentle face we'll see.
TR: I'm glad we went and beheld it for ourselves and didn't just read about it, you know what I mean?
SS: Yeah, I know what you mean.
TR: You know what I mean?
SS: I know what you mean.
TR: I mean, if you just read about it, you'd always wonder what really happened, you know?
SS: I know.
TR: You'd wonder, is this metaphorical or what is this?
SS: Right.
TR: There'd always be that element of doubt in your mind.
SS: Yeah.
TR: But when you seen it, you don't need to figure it out. You already know it.
SS: Right.
TR: Besides ---- I don't know how to read.
SS: You don't?
TR: Hey. I'm a shepherd.
We'll sing his praises without end,
Our brother, Savior, and our friend.
© Garrison Keillor 2001