(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
GK: Time once again for Famous Celebrities (THEME), brought to you by MarDel, makers of CoNex. Everyone knows that Lawrence Welk was from North Dakota, and Peggy Lee, and Angie Dickinson, but what about other famous people? Are there famous celebrities who are from here and aren't saying? How about you, Mr. President? You have a North Dakota connection?
TR (BUSH): Only thing I know about North Dakota is ---- that's where we sent our troops to train em for Afghanistan. It's harsh and cold and dry and there's not much good ice fishing.
GK: Thank you, Mr. President. Bob Dylan, most people think you're from Minnesota, but what about it----
TR (DYLAN): I am a child of sharecroppers on the windy dusty plains and I grew up a-looking for the rain.
GK: Was that in North Dakota then?
TR (DYLAN): In the silver silo morning when the grass was bright with dew, I looked up at my daddy and I asked him, Who are you?
GK: Your daddy was a North Dakotan?
TR (DYLAN): And he said, Ask your mama, but I could not spare the time, For I had to catch a boxcar on that old Great Northern line.
GK: I see. Thank you, Bob. Mr. Henry Kissinger, it's not true that you're from North Dakota, is it?
TR (KISSINGER): Well, actually, yes, it is. I grew up out in Bismarck, North Dakota. In fact my brother Harold is still in Bismarck. He's a car dealer.
GK: You grew up in Bismarck, North Dakota?
TR (KISSINGER): Yes, I went to Bismarck Central High School. The Mighty Bison. I played tuba in the marching band. Would you like me to sing the fight song?
GK: I thought you were born in Germany. Your accent --- isn't that a German accent?
TR (KISSINGER): Yes, it is, but I learned this accent when I went away to Harvard, so people would take me seriously when I talk about foreign policy. You ever hear how people out in North Dakota talk?
GK: Yes.
TR (KISSINGER): So you see what I mean.
GK: I see. How's your brother?
TR (KISSINGER): He's just fine, thank you. You mind if I say hi to him on the air?
GK: Go right ahead.
TR (KISSINGER): Hi there Harold and Jackie and all the kids, and thanks for the brownies.
GK: Good luck to you, sir. How about you, Julia Child? You have any North Dakota connections we ought to know about?
TR (JULIA): Oh my. I once spent the night in Grand Forks and made a lovely meatloaf au jus which I served with a sort of a green aspic with little tiny oranges in it.
GK: An aspic?
TR (JULIA): Yes, it was all green and jiggly. And simply delicious.
GK: An aspic----
TR (JULIA): A lemony aspic, yes. And I spread Miracle Whip on top and chopped walnuts. It was yummy. Would you like the recipe? I call it Aspic l'Orange de Forks le Grande.
GK: Yes, send me that. It's good to have the Governor of Minnesota with us today.
TR (JESSE): Thank you very much. Charmed, I'm sure.
GK: The governor is here today under his code name, Larry --- his true name is being withheld for security reasons ---- Larry, are you from North Dakota?
TR (JESSE): I'm thinking of moving to North Dakota because people here leave you alone. They don't get on your back about every little thing, so I am thinking very seriously about North Dakota because, let me tell you this: there is nothing in the state constitution that says that the governor has to live in the state. Nothing. N-u-t-t-i-n, nothing.
GK: Thank you, Governor. Ted Koppel, I hear you're from North Dakota, what can you tell us to clarify that?
TR (KOPPEL): Let me tell you this as simply and plainly as I can, and I say this not only as a journalist but also as a man who has traveled and seen many places in this great country of ours, not the least of which is North Dakota, a state for which I have a great personal fondness, and I say that in the sense of identifying with those people and with their struggle, and life is a struggle, it is not a free ride, not that we should overlook public transportation ----- and now I seem to have forgotten what is the question.
GK: I forget. Well, there's some newscaster who's from North Dakota ---- is that you, Tom Brokaw?
TR (BROKAW): South Dakota. I'm from South Dakota.
GK: I see. What's the difference?
TR (BROKAW): Trees.
GK: I see.
TR (BROKAW): We have a number of trees in South Dakota. Plus we have hills. Black ones. Including the one with the presidents on it. And the Corn Palace in Mitchell. And the home of Laura Ingalls Wilder. And me every night on TV.
GK: Okay, very good. Mr. Rogers? You're not from North Dakota, are you?
TR (MR. ROGERS): You're want to know where I grew up? Is that what you're asking? Well, I grew up in North Dakota. Yes, I did. My daddy raised durum wheat on a great big farm and the nearest town was thirty miles away and it only had a gas station and a tavern full of men who talked very very bad, so Mr. Rogers spent a great deal of time all by himself. Just me and my puppets. Yes, I did. And we had a very good time together. That was when Mr. Rogers learned how to entertain himself. You couldn't go outdoors or the wind would knock you right over on your keester, and you couldn't watch TV because the reception was very very poor. Yes, it was. So you learned how to talk to yourself, just like this. Everybody out there talked to themselves. Yes, they did. Some of them went into broadcasting and some of them went off to the funny farm. But that's just how life is, isn't it.
GK: Do you ever go back there, Mr. Rogers?
TR: That isn't any of your business, is it. No, it isn't.
GK: I'm sorry.
TR: I had an imaginary friend named David and he interrupted me too and I had to make him sit in the closet. You remind me of him in so many ways.
GK: Good. That's all the time we have today (THEME) for Famous Celebrities, brought to you by MarCon, makers of DelRay. (OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2001