(GK: Garrison Keillor; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
......coming up later on many of these radio stations, Forest Lawn Herbal Hair Tonic brings you a beloved Christmas classic (SENTIMENTAL VICTORIAN STRING TRIO THEME) ---- Charles Dickens's "A Christmas Carol: The Empire Strikes Back".
TR: Mrs. Cratchit! I'm home! (CLOSE DOOR. FOOTSTEPS) Ho ho. What do I smell? If that isn't a Christmas pudding, then my name isn't Bob Cratchit. (SS OFF: Who's there?) Here she comes! Better hide this little surprise package behind the door. (RUSTLE OF PAPER) There.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
SS: (CHEERILY) Hello? Who's here?---- (DISAPPOINTED) Oh. It's you.
TR: Ain't you glad to see us then, Mrs. Cratchit?? How about a kiss? (DRY KISS) Where's Tiny Tim???
SS: He went out shopping for his girlfriend, he did. Went to buy her some nice lingerie, he did.
TR: My, my, my. He grew up so fast, our little Tiny Tim.
SS: He's not tiny, I wouldn't say. Six feet tall, he is. And he don't care to be called Tiny anymore. On account of it infantilizes him, it does.
TR: It what?
SS: Infantilizes him.
TR: Well, anyway---- the Christmas pudding smells as good as ever, it does -----
SS: It's not a pudding. It's a creme brulee, it is. A Christmas creme brulee.
TR: Well, I'm sure it'll go just fine with the goose, won't it.
SS: We ain't having goose, Mr. Cratchit.
TR: No goose?
SS: We ain't had Christmas goose in fifteen years, we ain't. We'll be having a very dainty fois gras, or goose liver pate, followed by a consomme francoise, a smoked turkey souffle, a lemon sherbet to cleanse the palate, and the main course, monkfish on a bed of basmati rice with a side of croutons.
TR: I must say, I miss the old days when we Cratchits had a little less money in our pockets. Christmas seemed simpler then, it did.
SS: Seemed simpler if you weren't the one who had to make the goose and the pudding, I'd say. And cook over a fire.
TR: Anyway, I brought you a little surprise, my dear. (RUSTLE OF PAPER) A very merry Christmas to you.
(RAPID TEARING OF PAPER)
SS: What is this? Tea towels??????? What in the world would I want with tea towels??? I got all the tea towels I want!
TR: They seemed like rather nice tea towels, that's all.
SS: Scrooge, Marley & Cratchit had its best year ever this year. Third quarter profits were off the charts! And you're giving your wife tea towels?????
(FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)
TK: When we having supper? I gotta go out tonight----
TR: Ain't you even going to say hello to your mum and dad, Tiny Tim?
TK: I ain't so tiny anymore, Pops, so watch your mouth or I'll hang you up on the wall sconce again, I will----
TR: Used to be good as gold he did. And now look at him. Went away to that school and he come home with his head full of strange notions, he did.
TK: Oh, go take a pill. Who asked you? Butt out
SS: We're having Mr. Scrooge over for some nice mulled wine and cheese tonight, Tim. Better go up and change into something nice.
TK: Just stuff it, okay? (BELCH)
TR: You used to be so sweet, sitting there with your little crutch, you did.
TK: Oh, just change the channel, would you. Give me a break. The crutch is history, Pops. I quit being crippled when I got into wizard school and I learned how to make things disappear. Just by waving a wand at them. Like that! (CRUNCH OF WOOD AND GLASS BREAKAGE)
SS: My beautiful dining room table.
TR: You went away to wizard school and you come back and you didn't want to sit in the chimney corner anymore.
TK: The story needed updating, Pops. It was getting old, it was. It needed some special effects, it did. Like flying broomsticks! (HIGH SPEED WHOOSH, AND ANOTHER, AND ANOTHER) And big bursts of flames! (EXPLOSION) And owls! (BIRD CRY, PASSING, WINGS FLAPPING) And huge dogs! (GIANT MASTIFF WOOFS) Nobody cares about a ghost in chains anymore. They want real monsters. (FIENDISH LAUGH, REVERB)
SS: God help us, every one.
TR: You listen to me, Tiny Tim. As long as you're living in this house, you're going to---- (MEOW).
TK: There. How do you like that, Pops? (MEOW)
SS: What have you done with your father, T------- (TOAD CROAK)
TK: I used to be a little cripple, I did, and now----- I'm going to take over the world! (EXPLOSION) (SUSPENSE CHORDS)
GK: A Christmas Carol ----- the adventure continues ----- tonight on many of these stations.
(CLOCK TOLLS)
TR (SCROOGE): What--- who is it? Who are you?
SS GHOSTLY MOAN
TR (SCROOGE): Speak to me, Spirit. Tell me what I must do.
SS: Ebenezer Scrooge, you must do something about your hair.
TR (SCROOGE): Is it----bad, Spirit?
SS: It's long and thin and white and it looks like dead moss.
TR (SCROOGE): But what can I do?
SS: Try Forest Lawn Herbal Hair Tonic, made from twenty-one natural herbs including guava, jonquils, and peat moss.
TR (SCROOGE): Thank you, Spirit. Thank you. (MUSIC UP)
GK: Forest Lawn Herbal Hair Tonic --- the only hair product that contains rich, pure, life-giving guava. Ask for it by name. Forest Lawn. (MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2001