(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME FADE FOR.....)
GK: It was November and ever since September 11th, the country had been united. Flags flying everywhere, and signs, "United We Stand". And then things started to get normal again. Drivers, who'd been polite for two months, started expressing themselves (HORN HONK, TR: Hey, move it! What's your problem, wide ride??) and people started arguing about politics again, and the conduct of the war, and even about the flag----
TK: Hey! You're supposed to take your flag down at night.
TR: Why don't you mind your own business!
TK: The rules say it oughta come down at sunset. Okay?
TR: It's a free country. So butt out.
TK: Not supposed to leave it hanging up there all night.
TR: You ever listen to the Star-Spangled Banner, fella? Huh? "The dawn's early light"? Our flag was still there? It flew all night. Okay? And God Bless America "through the night with a light from above"? Huh?
TK: You're supposed to take it down.
TR: You want to try taking it down, you come over here and try, and that'll be the last flag you ever take down, mister. (MUSIC)
GK: It was warm and I was driving around town on an assignment for a client named Blodgett who wanted me to find a house for him.
TR (BLODGETT): I'm looking for something spacious, four, five bedrooms, in mint condition, in a historic district, for fifty, sixty thousand. Dry basement.
GK: I don't think there are too many houses like that around for that price, sir.
TR (BLODGETT): Well, maybe there's some widow who hasn't been reading the paper for a while. (MUSIC)
GK: So I spent two weeks, at a hundred a day plus, looking through the want ads. Mostly I did the crossword. Then I'd get in my old Studebaker and drive around for awhile. (OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD) So I'm driving up and down checking out For Sale signs and ---- (SCREECH OF BRAKES) Hey Sugar!
SS (SUGAR): Oh hi, Guy.
GK: You need a ride?
SS: No, I'm out for a walk.
GK: You're a long way from home.
SS: That happens when you go for a walk.
GK: What you up to tonight, babes?
SS: Not much.
GK: Me neither.
SS: What you got in mind?
GK: I don't know. How about you?
SS: I was thinking I might go to bed early.
GK: Oh. Right. Well, maybe another time.
SS: Maybe you ought to take up walking.
GK: Well, I thought about it, but then there's the problem of how do you get home.
SS: Well, you could always stop at my house first.
GK: One of these days. (MUSIC) She's a sweetheart, Sugar. A little unfocused sometimes, but she tries. We broke up and didn't see each other for a while and then we saw each other and we didn't know what to say. There were no hard feelings, but there weren't many other feelings either. Still I feel closer to her than to almost anybody else in the world. Boy, does that say something about me. (CAR, TRAFFIC AMBIENCE) I stopped in for lunch at Danny's Deli and there was a parking space in front --- a little tight, but for a pro like me---- (HORNS) Okay, okay, I'm parking! ---- It was really tight. I backed in carefully (ENGINE, THEN CRASH OF METAL) and pulled forward (ENGINE, CRASH OF METAL, GLASS BREAKAGE)--- almost there---- back up again (ENGINE, CRUNCH OF METAL, GLASS BREAKAGE) ---- one more ought to do it (ENGINE, CRUNCH, GLASS). There. (SIDE MIRROR FALLS OFF, HUBCAP SPINS) (MUSIC) I walked in and Danny's Deli was empty, which always gives a person a nervous feeling.
TK (TEEN): Hi, Mr. Noir, what can I get for you?
GK: How come no customers, Wendell?
TK (TEEN): Well, let me put it this way. I'm not recommending the potato salad. The mayonnaise got a little skunky.
GK: You got pastrami today?
TK (TEEN): How about liverwurst?
GK: How about peanut butter and bacon?
TK (TEEN): Better talk to your cardiologist. --- Say---you mind if I give you some fashion advice, Mr. Noir.
GK: I don't usually take fashion advice from a kid with a paper hat, but---
TK (TEEN): That shirt is doing you no favors, believe me.
GK: Burgundy is not my color?
TK (TEEN): Not with those pants, no. And it doesn't look good when you stick your ballpoint in your ear to get the wax out.
GK: That's to discourage people from borrowing my pen. I haven't had to buy a new one in years. Give me the liverwurst, Wendell. (MUSIC) I headed for the car and this palooka was standing there with smoke coming out of his ears.
TR (OFF, RICO): Hey! You the meathead who parked your Studebaker there.
GK: You have a problem, sir??
TR (RICO): Yeah, I got a problem. That's my BMW you ruined. Ya big meatball. I oughta --- (RAGE). You want a knuckle sandwich? Huh?
GK: And then I handed him the liverwurst sandwich. ---- Sir? Is this the anthrax lab? I got the anthrax specimens right here. You want to take these in? (TR ALARM FADING, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS AWAY) ----- I pulled out of the space (ENGINE, CRUNCH, GLASS), working by ear (ENGINE, CRUNCH, GLASS), and finally made it out---- almost (ENGINE, CRUNCH, GLASS) --- and headed over to the Five Spot and pulled up in front (CAR SLOWING) and there on the sidewalk--- (SEXY SAX) stood the woman of my dreams. Tall, dark, with big brown eyes that could melt your ice cubes. She was wearing a pair of long blue jeans spray-painted to her legs and a low-cut silk blouse that didn't require a great deal of material. About what you'd find in your average hanky. Probably two silkworms working a weekend got the job done. She had the grace of a cat and if I was the sparrow, well, so be it. (CITY OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE) ---- Hi. What can I do for you, kid? Noir's the name, and security is the game.
SS: My name is Rhoda, Mr. Noir.
GK: Rhoda Ruin?
SS: Rhoda Dendron. I'm part of the Save The Twins movement.
GK: Oh right. I didn't notice your sign. YOU CAN'T KILL THE TWINS.
SS: We can't let them take our team away, Mr. Noir. It's just not fair. We need baseball. Baseball is part of who we are. We can't let it just leak away. That's why I'm out here protesting.
GK: Well, personally, I support you in anything you do, Miss Dendron.
SS: And I'm on a hunger strike. I'm not going to take a bite of food until Major League Baseball agrees to let the Twins stay here in Minnesota. And I mean it---- I'm not going to---- (SHE FAINTS. MUSIC)
GK: And she fainted and fell into my arms. And my arms were so grateful. I held her in an embrace until I started to feel a little dizzy myself, and then I picked her up and carried her into the Five Spot. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, DOOR CLOSE. SLOW FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): Hey, Guy. How's it going? Hey, what you got there? Looks like she fell for you pretty bad. Either that or she got a whiff of your socks.
GK: Very funny, Jimmy. Very funny. Here (EFFORT), let me lay her down here in this booth. (CREAK) There.
TR (JIMMY): Quite a looker. Quite a looker.
GK: Yeah, well, mind your manners. She fainted from hunger. She's on some crazy hunger strike, trying to keep the Minnesota Twins here. You got any chicken soup in back?
TR (JIMMY): Coming right up. (OFF, STIRRING, POURING)
GK: Woman of my dreams just fainted into my arms. So what do I do? I could put her in my Studebaker and drive her to a place where they got baseball, like Arizona, and where winter isn't an issue and over the weeks and months she'd gradually get to know me and fall helplessly in love and I'd find a medication to make me thirty-six again and we'd find a big wonderful house for fifty, sixty thousand. And just then----- (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS) Blodgett!!
TR (BLODGETT): They told me I'd find you here, Mr. Noir.
GK: I've been looking around for a house for you, and all I found was this beautiful woman.
TR (BLODGETT): What???? RHODA!!!!!
GK: You know this woman?
TR (BLODGETT): Know her! She's my fiancee. Rhoda Dendron. I've been worried sick! (FOOTSTEPS) Oh Rhoda---- It's me, Angel Cakes. Rhoda?
SS (AWAKENING): Where---- what happened---- O Henry! Darling! What happened? I was standing outside---- what's going on?
TR (BLODGETT): I've found a house for us, darling.
SS: Oh Angel Cakes!!!
TR (BLODGETT): I parked it outside. It's a little smaller than I planned and a little more expensive.
SS: A motor home!!! My dream!!!
TR (BLODGETT): We'll drive south and watch winter ball in Costa Rica and then we'll make the rounds of spring training camps.
SS: Oh my darling!!! Oh I love you, I love you, I love you. (MANY KISSES)
GK: Those things really eat up the gas. (THE KISSING CONTINUES) I hear Costa Rica's gotten really expensive.
TR (BLODGETT): Here's a check for your services, Mr. Noir. And here's a little extra something for taking care of my wife.
GK: Ten dollars. Thanks. I'll put it right into the bond market.
TR (BLODGETT): Come, darling---- the highway beckons---- (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
SS: (FADING) This is the first day of the rest of our lives. I'm so happy--- (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE)
GK: Guess we won't need the chicken soup. Too bad about the chicken.
TR (JIMMY): What can I bring you, Guy?
GK: I don't know. Arsenic on the rocks, maybe. With a dash of hemlock.
TR (JIMMY): One Taliban special, coming up. --- (OFF) I was reading this article, said that a positive attitude is very important for your coronary health.
GK: Yeah, well, call for the paramedics right now, then. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
TR (JIMMY): Working the crossword, huh. I had an uncle who loved crosswords. When he died, we buried him six down and three across. ----Looks like that crossword's got you stumped, huh? 86 Across ---- three-letter word meaning "Big bird" ---- that's emu. E-m-u. Big bird. Emu.
GK: I know it's emu. I didn't get there yet.
TR (JIMMY): And number fifteen down---- that's Pitts. Zasu Pitts.
GK: Pitts. Right. Thanks. (THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2001