(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
(ORGAN THEME)
GK: THE ART OF PARENTING.....Chapter 11: DRESSING THE 3-YEAR-OLD FOR SCHOOL ON ONE OF HER BAD DAYS
(ORGAN DOWN....FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)
GK: Almost done with breakfast, darling?
SS: Go away. Don't talk to me. I'm eating my toast.
GK: Time we need to start thinking about getting ready for school.
SS: Don't bother me. I'm eating.
GK: You like school.
SS: Don't either.
GK: Let me put your shoes on while you're eating your toast. Okay?
SS: Don't touch me.
GK: It's eight o'clock, it's time to leave for school.
SS: Don't!! I am eating my toast.
GK: You can eat your toast while I'm putting on your shoes? Okay?
SS: Ouch. Oh...owwwww.(SHE WEEPS) You twisted my foot. You broke it. I can't believe you did that.
GK: You're okay. I didn't break your foot.
SS: It hurts. You hurt me. I have to go to the hospital.
GK: If you'd just cooperate a little ----
SS: Call 911.
GK: If you didn't struggle, your foot wouldn't get twisted.
SS: I can't believe you did that. You injured me. It hurts-----
GK: Do you want me to kiss it?
SS: Okay. (KISS)
GK: Better?
SS: No.
GK: Let me kiss it again. Here. (KISS) Better?
SS: A little. I want more toast.
GK: You already have toast. Look.
SS: I need toast for when I'm done with that toast.
GK: How many pieces of toast have you had?
SS: Not enough. I need more toast.
GK: As soon as you let me put your shoes on, you can have more toast.
SS: I need more toast now.
GK: I'll put your shoes on first. Then more toast. Okay?
SS: (CRIES)
GK: Oh for heaven's sake.
SS: (WAILING) YOU DON'T LOVE ME! ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS SEND ME AWAY TO SCHOOL SO YOU CAN DO FUN THINGS!!!
GK: Daddy doesn't do fun things. Daddy goes to work.
SS: YOU JUST WANT TO GET RID OF ME, THAT'S ALL YOU WANT!!
GK: How about we take Mr. Tiger to school?
SS: No.
GK: Should we take Baby to school?
SS: No. That's dumb.
GK: Let's put your shirt on now.
SS: Don't you dare put that shirt over my head. You have no right to put that shirt over me. (STRUGGLING) I'll do it myself. Get that thing off me. You're strangling me. You know that? I can't breathe. I can't breathe! Police!!!! Help!!!! (PANTING)
GK: There. That wasn't so bad, was it.
SS: That was horrible. Don't you dare touch me again. I mean it.
GK: Okay, let's get your pants on you----
SS: Don't you dare.
GK: First the left leg----
SS: You grab my leg, I'm going to kick----I'm going to kick----I'm going to kick in a bad place-----(STRUGGLING) Get your hands off me. I'm telling you for the last time. Get away. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
GK: There. Now we'll do the shoesies and we're all done.
SS: I want to speak to Mommy.
GK: Mommy's not here, Mommy had to leave early. Give me your foot.
SS: I demand to see my Mommy.
GK: Mommy's not here. Daddy's taking you to school today.
SS: I have no intention of going to school.
GK: How about we sing a little song while we put our shoes on, okay?
SS: I want to see my Mommy and I mean now. Otherwise I'm going to scream and throw things.
GK: Diddle diddle dumpling my son John
Went to bed with his stocking on
One shoe off and one shoe on
Diddle diddle dumpling my son John.
SS: SCREAMS ---- (BWANNGGG OF TABLEWARE)
GK: I can't believe you threw your plate at me.
SS: Don't sing. Don't ever sing.
GK: You know, sometimes you hurt Daddy's feelings. ---Daddy has feelings too, you know. You make me feel bad. ----You make Daddy almost cry.
SS: Here. Let me kiss you. Mmmmmmmwah. (WET KISS)
GK: That's better. You're Daddy's favorite little girl, you know.
SS: Of course I am.
GK: How about you put on your warm jacket like a good girl.
SS: Don't even think about it.
GK: Then we'll go to school.
SS: No way. It isn't going to happen.
GK: You can't go to school if you don't put your jacket on.
SS: Exactly my point.
GK: Come on. Your jacket's hanging in the closet.
SS: I'm well aware of that.
GK: Come on. We don't want to be late for school.
SS: Speak for yourself.
GK: Let's go. Come on.
SS: I need water.
GK: You just had water.
SS: I need more water.
GK: You can get water at school.
SS: I need water now.
GK: Let's get the jacket on.
SS: And then I need to go potty.
GK: I asked you five minutes ago if you needed to go potty.
SS: These things come on fast.
GK: Okay. Let's go potty.
SS: I want Momma to take me potty.
GK: Momma's gone. Daddy'll take you potty.
SS: I don't need to go. I changed my mind.
GK: Then let's get the jacket on.
SS: I need water.
GK: If I bring you water, then will you put your jacket on?
SS: We'll see. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
GK: (FOOTSTEPS) You know most kids your age are dressing themselves in the morning and putting on their jackets and getting to school on time. (RUNNING WATER INTO GLASS) (FOOTSTEPS BACK) Most kids your age are bringing joy and fulfillment into the lives of their parents and not this constant struggle. (FOOTSTEPS STOP) Here's your water. Oh, you put your jacket on yourself. Very good.
SS: (GLUGGING WATER) (EXHALE OF PLEASURE)
GK: But you took your shoes and socks off. Why?
SS: I don't like those socks. They're dumb.
GK: Honey, listen to me. Daddy's going to carry you to the car and we'll just put the socks and shoes on when we get to school, okay?
SS: STRUGGLING, KICKING
GK: THE ART OF PARENTING has presented "DRESSING THE THREE-YEAR-OLD FOR SCHOOL ON ONE OF HER BAD DAYS". On the next ART OF PARENTING we'll talk about how to introduce the 3-year-old to new CDs and getting her to give up the CD she's been addicted to for the past year because you can't stand to hear "The Wheels on the Bus" one more time.
(MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2001