(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
(ORGAN CHORD, ANGUISH)
GK: They used to be a happy family. They did things together. Ate meals together. Had conversations. And then IT came into the house. (MONSTER BREATHING, SPIKY CHORDS)
TR (REVERB): THE WEB. THE WORLD WIDE WEB. (OMINOUS BREATHING)
GK: They got it so they could keep in touch with loved ones through e-mail. And instead......their family got caught in........(MONSTER BREATHING, SPIKY CHORDS)
TR (REVERB): THE WEB.......
TK (TEEN): Mom? I thought you and I were going to go to a concert----
SS: (CLICKING OF KEYS. SOME BEEPS) I can't. I'm online. I'm surfing aimlessly through a bunch of stupid news groups. But I can't help myself. Ask your father.
TK (TEEN): He's at his p.c.
SS: Go away. I'm reading about glutens. (CLICKING OF KEYS)
GK: Just another helpless victim of
TR: (REVERB) THE WORLD WIDE WEB........(SPIKY CHORDS, MONSTER BREATHING)
SS: I can't help it. I try to go outside. I try to have normal relationships with people. But I've been sucked into the vortex. Now my best friend in the world is somebody with the screen name HotNHeavy.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
SS: Go away, I'm busy! (DOOR OPEN)
TR: Excuse me, ma'am. ---- I'm Walter Dortmeister. And I'm here to unplug your computer. (CLICK, AND COMPUTER DYING)
SS: (STUNNED) It's gone----- the screen's dark.
TR: I'm gonna wrap you in this warm quilt and take you out and put you in my buggy. (HORSE WHINNY)
SS: You're Amish, aren't you?
TR: Yes, I am. And I'm taking you to Amish Camp.
SS: What's Amish Camp?
TR: It's where we teach you about simplicity. The gift to be simple is the gift to be free, don't ya know.
SS: Do you have a website?
TR: No, but we have a place just right, out in the valley of love and delight. And your job is gonna be to take care of the chickens. (CHICKENS)
SS: But I don't know anything about chickens.
TR: You'll learn. It's simple. You feed em scraps and give em fresh water and you collect the eggs. (CHICKEN FLURRY)
SS: But what about my job?
TR: That is your job. And here's your homespun dress and your plain shoes and here's a reflective triangle to wear on your butt so people don't bump into you.
GK: At Amish Camp, you'll reconnect with life's basic values.
SS: That's so true. There's a lot about life you can't learn from a computer screen. But you can learn it from chickens. (CHICKENS)
GK: If you know somebody who needs to go to Amish Camp, just drop a line to Amish.dot.org. (MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2001