(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
...brought to you by Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. (MUSIC)
You've been working for Amalgamated Grommet for years now and sitting in long sleepy meetings (DRONE OF VOICES) and daydreaming about (WHINNY, HOOVES) riding your golden palomino across the western plains or (WIND, CREAK OF RIGGING) coming about in your 60-foot sloop west of Barbados or (SPORTS CAR, THROUGH GEARS) racing your red Lamborghini in the Grand Prix, your white silk scarf fluttering in the wind, your leather helmet, your black goggles ---- (CAR SPEEDS AWAY)and suddenly your boss is shaking you.
SS: Mr. Bender? Mr. Bender?
TR: Huh? What? Who? Me?
SS: Mr. Bender, we're in a marketing meeting---
TR: Yes! Right here! Present.
SS: Mr. Bender, we're talking about the whole question of cycloid circularity vs. serrated angularity----
TR: Well---- I've been thinking about that and---- I say, what comes around goes around---- (MURMURS, PEOPLE REPEATING "WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND" IN WONDERMENT)
SS: Brilliant, Mr. Bender! Absolutely brilliant!!!
TR: Well---- it's just something I thought up----
SS: You're a genius! Bidirectional circularity --- things going around, things coming around---- so simple, but brilliant! --- Suddenly everything is clear!! (MURMURS OF AGREEMENT)
TR: Well, it's ---- just a thought----- (CLAPPING) Thanks. Really. Just a little thought I had.
GK: And the president of Amalgamated, Mr. Hoople, (TK JOWLY GIBBERISH) promotes you to vice-president and shows you your new corner office (TR: Oh wow!!!) and he gives you the big news (TK JOWLY GIBBERISH) that you're being named Man of the Year in the Grommet Industry ---- (TR: Me? Really?) and you'll be going to the national convention in Chicago to receive the award (TR: Oh my gosh.) and you go to Chicago and stay in a posh hotel (TK BRIT: Your room key, sir. CLICK OF HEELS) and you can't sleep all night dreaming about the hostile reception you'll get (BOOING, CRUEL LAUGHTER, BRONX CHEER) and the next morning, you sit on the dais (TREMBLING CUP ON SAUCER), half-crazed from lack of sleep, (TK WITH P.A. ECHO: It's my pleasuref..to introduce nowf..MORE GIBBERISH, FADING) and you go to stand up to receive the trophy and (TR UNSTEADINESS, CLATTER OF TABLEWARE, CRUNCH OF WOOD) your motor skills are not good (TR: Whoaaaaa...CRASH, SPILL) and now you have a big wet spot on your lap as you step to the lectern (TR: Thank youffthanks very much.Appreciate it.) and you grab the microphone to make a few remarks (EARTHQUAKE-LIKE MIKE RUMBLE) and you reach into your pocket for your speech and (TR: O my gosh) it's not there (TR ALARM), just some silverware (TR: What?????) and just then a young waitress walks past (JUNGLE DRUMS) and you lose your balance (TR ALARM) and you fall off the dais and onto the buffet table (CRASH, CRUNCH) and into the blue cheese dressing (SPLAT) and security men help you to your feet (MEN'S VOICES) and they discover the silverware you stuck in your pocket (TR: WHAT?) and they take you to a holding area (TK: You have the right to remain silent---HANDCUFFS SNAPPED SHUT)--- and there's your boss ---- (SS: How could you, Mr. Bender? How could you????) (MUSIC) Wouldn't this be a good time for some rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Frozen Rhubarb Pie.
You got caught
You messed up your chance,
You forgot
To put on your pants.
You teed up the ball,
You took your shot,
You watched it fall
In the parking lot.
But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
© Garrison Keillor 2001