(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
.......but first we're going to pause for this special news report.
(THROBBING ELECTRONIC newS THEME: TR: A NATION IN CRISIS LOOKS INWARD)
SS: This is Linda Wertheimer, NPR News in Washington, with a special report from the Middle East. With me on the line from the mountain province of Donundestan, from the provincial capital of Rillirillibad, is correspondent John Knotright with a report on the situation in Kabul. John, we've been having trouble with satellite delay and so I'm going to turn it over to you now for your report. (PAUSE) John? Are you there? Can you hear me?
(SIMULTANEOUS)
TR: This is John Knotright, reporting from Hotdogestan----- I'm sorry. What did you say, Linda?
SS: Go ahead with your report, John.
(PAUSE)
TR: Do you want that now, Linda?
SS: Go ahead, John.
(PAUSE, THEN SIMULT)
TR: Or do you want me to call back later?
SS: Go ahead, John. We're waiting for your report.
(PAUSE)
TR: Do you want me to call back later? ----- (SS: John, I'm talking to you.) I'm sorry. What?
SS: John---- give us your report.
(PAUSE)
TR: You want that now?
SS: Go ahead, John.
(PAUSE, THEN SIMULTANEOUS)
SS: We're ready for you, John.
TR: This is John Knotwright, from the province of Hotdogestan--------- I'm sorry, Linda, what did you say?
(PAUSE)
TR: Linda?
SS: John, we're waiting for your report from there in Donundestan. Please.
(PAUSE)
TR: I'm not in Donundestan, Linda. I'm in Hotdogestan.
SS: Where is that, John?
TR: I have no idea, Linda. I've been riding for three days in the back of a truck with sixteen sheep over some of the worst roads you ever saw in your life and I have a case of dysentery like you wouldn't believe. I would give anything for a six-pack of toilet paper.
SS: Okay. Just give us your report on the situation in Kabul.
(PAUSE)
TR: Actually I'm in Hotdogestan.
SS: Fine. We'd like your report.
(PAUSE)
TR: Was that my cue, Linda?
SS: Yes. Go ahead. (PAUSE, THEN SIMUL) John, are you there? Can you hear me?
TR: This is John Knotright, NPR News, in Hotdogestan. ---- I'm sorry, what did you say?
SS: John?
(PAUSE)
TR: Yes, Linda.
SS: Is anything happening there, John? (PAUSE)
TR: I don't believe so, Linda - it's three o'clock in the morning. Pretty quiet. Except for me going back and forth to the biffy.
SS: Just give us your report, John. Now. (PAUSE)
(SIMUL)
TR: I'm standing by here in Hotdogestan, Linda.
SS: Are you there, John? ---- Good. Go ahead.
TR: Sorry. I didn't get that, Linda.
SS: I said, go ahead---- (TR: I'm getting conflicting signals, Linda.) --- I said, go ahead with your report on the situation in Kabul---- John, do you understand English? John?
(TR: I think it's probably this satellite delay.) John, we'd like your report now, so just go ahead with it. (TR: I'm not in Kabul, Linda, I'm standing by here in Hotdogestan. (PAUSE) Ready on your cue, Linda. (PAUSE) I'm not hearing anything from Washington. (PAUSE) I sense irritation on your part, Linda. (PAUSE) I seem to have angered you. (PAUSE) Tell me what you're feeling right now, Linda.
SS: John, you say you're in Hotdogestan? (PAUSE)
TR: Yes. It's past Jomamabad.
SS: John, I found Hotdogestan on the map ---- you're heading away from Kabul, John.
(TR: Standing by, Linda. ---- I'm sorry, what?) John, you're going in the wrong direction. You're going north. Kabul is south of you. John, can you hear me? (TR: Yes, I'm waiting for your direction, Linda. Just give me the word. --- Sorry. I interrupted you.) John, we sent you to find Kabul, you're going away from Kabul. John? (TR: I have cable, thank you, Linda. It's not that easy to find, but----- what's that?) John, listen to me. John? John? Shut up, John. (TR: I'm sorry, I stepped on you there.) John, shut up and listen. John? (TR: I'm listening, Linda.) John, just shut up. Do you hear me? (TR: Okay, I'm shutting up now.) John, shut up. Please. Shut your mouth. I'm talking now. (TR: I am continuing to shut up, Linda.) John, I'm trying to talk to you now so just shut up. Just stop talking. Please stop. (TR: Sorry, Linda, we seem to be working against each other here.) John, shut up. Do you understand English? John? What part of "shut up" don't you understand? Good. Thank you. John, you're an idiot. We sent you to find Kabul. You've gone in the wrong direction, John. (PAUSE)
(SIMUL)
SS: I said, tell us why you're heading away from Kabul---
TR: We seem to be suffering from bad timing, Linda. --- I'm sorry. What?
(PAUSE)
(SIMUL)
SS: John, do you have any idea what's going on?
TR: You want me to do that now?
(PAUSE)
SS: Kabul, John. Kabul.
(PAUSE)
TR: The streets aren't exactly cobbled, they're pretty much dirt.
SS: Kabul. The city! Kabul, John. The capital. (PAUSE)
TR: Yes, we have cable. CNN. That's where we get the news.
SS: You're an idiot, John. Go away.
TR: Sorry, I misunderstood. (SS: You're a nitwit, John. I'm going to have you fired.) I ate some really bad food here, Linda. They said it was goat but I think it was cat. I got sick in ways I canst tell you on the air. (PAUSE)
SS: I'm going to have you FIRED, John. You are a disgrace to public radio. If I ever see you, John, I'm gonna kick your butt til your nose bleeds, you understand? (PAUSE)
TR: There doesn't seem to be any sort of fire here, Linda. Not that I can see from my hotel window anyway.
(PAUSE)
SS: This is Linda Wertheimer for National Public Radio (TR: It's three o'clock in the morning here, pretty quiet.) bringing you the latest developments from the Middle East. (THROBBING ELECTRO newS THEME. TR: A NATION IN CRISIS LOOKS WITHIN.)
© Garrison Keillor 2001