(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the busy streets, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(PIANO)
GK: It was late October and I was sitting doing the crossword and shivering. The office was cold, I'd been bleeding the radiators and evidently I'd killed them, and it's hard to get a plumber because all the people who would've gone into plumbing became consultants instead. I was thinking about maybe starting a campfire in the wastebasket when (KNOCKS ON DOOR)--- Yeah? Who is it?
TR (OTHER SIDE OF DOOR): The name's Marvin. I'm looking for Guy Noir.
GK: You're not disguising your voice, are you?
TR (OTHER SIDE OF DOOR): No.
GK: You're not Big Tony?
TR (OTHER SIDE OF DOOR): I don't know any Big Tony.
GK: Let me hear you say, "I'll get you if it's the last thing I do, ya big meatball."
TR (OTHER SIDE OF DOOR): "I'll get you if it's the last thing I do, ya big meatball."
GK: Let me hear you say, "I'll rip your arm off and beat you over the head with it."
TR (OTHER SIDE OF DOOR): Okay. "I'll rip your arm off and beat you over the head with it."
GK: Okay. Come on in. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS) Sorry to be suspicious, but in this line of work, you make enemies. What can I do for you, sir? ---
TR: Mind if I sit down?
GK: Go right ahead. (FOOTSTEPS, CHAIR CREAK) --- He was a tall guy with a headache for a face. Fiftyish. Bad sportcoat. Shoes with tassels. Beige turtle neck. Something about him screamed, "Math teacher."
TR: You're a busy man so I'll come right to the point, Mr. Noir.
GK: Thank you.
TR: I'm 43 and I never dated anybody before in my life until last Wednesday --- I went out with this incredible woman named Barbara I met through the Internet ---- I'm crazy about her, Mr. Noir. But we went out dancing at this club and all the other guys on the dance floor seemed to know her. I'd like you to look into her past for me. I don't want to be taken for a fool. You know what I mean?
GK: Listen. Pal. Let me give you some advice, based on a whole lot of experience. Romance is not about the past. It's about the future. It's about hope. Let the past stay in the closet.
TR: I'm just curious.
GK: Don't be.
TR: There was this guy who walked up and gave Barbara a big hug and it was more than just a friendly hug. He clung to her. Their bodies pressed together.
GK: Don't torture yourself, pal. Leave that tar baby alone.
TR: I want to know what she's been up to for the past ten years. (MUSIC UNDER)
GK: And he handed me a picture of her and it was an old girlfriend of mine. Barbara Seville. A former waitress, pushing sixty. Big hair, too much makeup. I found her through a personals ad.
SS (LOW, WHISKEY, BLOWSY): "Seek romantic partner, over 50. I am smoker & drinker & UB2. Arrest record a big plus. Height/weight disproportional. No tree huggers or singer-songwriters, please."
GK: I liked her. She was affectionate and good-hearted and had no pretensions whatsoever and was fun to be with and unfortunately one evening I turned on the light when I shouldn't have and saw the varicose veins. She wasn't pushing sixty, she was pulling it. At the end of a long rope. I called her and she met me at the Five Spot. (BRIDGE) (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
SS (BLOWSY): Hi, Guy. How ya been?
GK: Hey, Barbara. Sit down. Good to see you. (THEY EXCHANGE KISSES)
SS: Good to be seen. Especially in dim light.
GK: Yeah. We're not getting any younger, are we.
SS: Honey, I'm so old my birthday's expired.
GK: Well, you look terrific.
SS (BLOWSY): I'm so old that when I fart, all that comes out is a big cloud of dust.
GK: You need more liquids. How about a Martini?
SS: I thought you'd never ask.
GK: Two Martinis straight up, with an olive, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): Coming right up.
GK: Listen, Barbara. I understand you've been seeing a guy. A math teacher.
SS: Marvin. Right. Nice person. Boring, but ----.
GK: Listen. He's a nice guy and he's crazy about you.
SS: Well, of course. Why not?
GK: But he's jealous of your past, Barbara. He's sniffing around for old boyfriends.
SS: Oh dear.
GK: One of those deals.
SS: I got a lot of past to be jealous of.
GK: He hired me to look into it.
SS: Really.
GK: You want me to tell him you were married once and your husband died a year and a half ago? You want me to make you a nun in the Order of St. Joseph?
SS: That's a lot of history to hide, Guy. Husbands, paramours, boyfriends, guys I went to the movies with and we didn't stay for the feature-----
GK: You could stay out of joints like the Kit Kat Lounge and go to symphony concerts. Ballets. Places where your name isn't written on the men's room wall.
SS: What are they saying about me lately?
TR (APPROACHING): Here's your Martinis. Guy---- Oh hi, Angelcakes
SS: Hi Cuddles.
GK: You're Cuddles???
TR (JIMMY): Right. Angelcakes and me, we go way back.
SS: I always liked bartenders.
GK: How come you went out with so many guys?
SS: Most of em, I didn't go out with, we stayed home.
GK: Well, stick with this one. The math teacher.
SS: But he's so boring.
GK: Listen. Most of your boyfriends, Barbara, they were driving with one headlight. This guy is smart, clean, honest, fairly cheerful, and the rest you can teach him.
SS: He's got no sense of humor.
GK: If you want comedy, go to the movies, I say. And as you said, you're getting old, Barbara. Face it. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
SS: Do I look that bad?
GK: You just have to remember to keep your chins up.
SS: You know, way down deep I feel seventeen years old. Isn't that pitiful? After all these years, I haven't learned a thing. Last year I took about sixteen credit cards and I ran with them. I'm about a hundred thousand in the hole.
GK: A hundred thou?
SS: It was some party. What should I do?
GK: I don't know but you better decide quick because here he comes. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
TR (MARVIN): Hello, Barbara.
SS: Good to see you, Marvin.
TR (MARVIN): I've been thinking it over. I don't care about your past. I want you to marry me.
SS: You're so sweet.
TR (MARVIN): Mr. Noir is right. Love is about the future, not the past.
GK: You know, you might want to look before you leap, Marvin. We sin in haste and repent at leisure.
SS: I'm crazy about you, Marvin. After the death of my sainted Sidney, I never knew there could be anyone else for me.
GK: I think Barbara has something she'd like to tell you, Marvin.
SS: I just thank God for bringing you to me when he did.
TR (MARVIN): I feel similarly. Let's go, honey. Let's find a judge.
SS: You make me so happy, Angel. (FADING) I feel like today is the first day of the rest of my life. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
GK: Amazing, isn't it, Jimmy. The capacity for self-delusion.
TR (JIMMY): In my line of work, where would I be without it?
GK: Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Jimmy. Sometimes it comes alone.
TR (JIMMY): Care for another Martini, Guy?
GK: You ask such hard questions sometimes.
TR (JIMMY): Say, a guy named Big Tony come in here looking for you.
GK: Oh boy.
TR (JIMMY): I told him you were in Leavenworth doing 6 to 10 for mail fraud. He seemed to believe me.
GK: Thanks.
TR (JIMMY): What's his beef?
GK: He was in love with a dame, wanted to know who she was, and I made the mistake of telling him. He broke up with her and she married his brother and they're happy and Tony's never forgiven me. The truth is a dangerous business to be in, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): You care for another Martini?
GK: You want to know the truth?
(THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, and there on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building is a guy still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2001