(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
...we'll be back right after this message from USDA Extension Home Terrorism specialist, Shirley Knott...
SS: This is Shirley Knott, home extension terrorism agent --- reminding you that it never hurts to wash your hands everytime you meet someone new. Wash with soap and hot water and give them a real good scrubbing. When someone comes to your front door who you don't know, keep the screen door locked, unless you're sure they're Mormons. But don't take their word for it. Ask them specific questions about the Angel Moroni and things that only Mormons would know about. And offer them coffee. Same with the postman. Stand by the front window, looking out through a little crack in the drapes, making sure your shoes don't show underneath the drapes, and when the mailman or mailwoman comes, if he or she is someone you do not recognize, step outside and ask for a picture ID. Check the ID for signs of tampering. And as you do, say very casually to them, "Allah is great," just to test their reaction. Offer them an alcoholic beverage or a pork sandwich. If they seem uneasy, do not open the mail. Or if anything else doesn't seem right, don't open the mail. In fact, as a general rule, I would say, don't open the mail. When was the last time you got something in the mail that you opened it and you said, Oh boy, this is what I've been waiting for? A long time. Tell the post office to hold your mail. This is Shirley Knott, home extension terrorism agent, returning you to the program.
GK: Thank you, Shirley...
© Garrison Keillor 2001