(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was one of those perfect October days when the trees are flaming gold and crimson and the air is rich with romance and everything Fitzgerald was trying to get at in The Great Gatsby. Too bad public radio was in the midst of another membership week.....
SS (ON RADIO, WEEPING): We need your help people. If I don't hear from ten of you right now I am going to have my cat put to sleep! Yes! I'm not kidding. I don't want her to live in a world where people don't care! (WHISPER) Call!!! Now!!! Please!!!
GK: They were offering the Nina Totenberg Tote Bag and the Terry Gross Grocery Sack and the Susan Stamberg Stemware and the Ira Glass Glassware and it was still slow going and when I woke up from my nap, they'd brought in a new announcer.
TR (RICO): Okay, listen to me, you people out there, this is Rico talking. Rico only says it once. You pony up, you make with the dinero, the shekels, the gelt. So give, already. Otherwise I'm gonna come out there and visit you personal and talk to you up close, ya two-timing rinkydinks! (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: I couldn't donate, I was broke. My Visa card was maxed out. I tried to put my Visa bill on my Mastercard but they wouldn't go for it. The fundraising was making me hungry so I called up Danny's Deli to order lunch ----
TK (TEEN, ON PHONE): We're outta the corned beef.
GK: Then gimme the pastrami, Wendell.
TK: (TEEN ON PHONE): Outta that too. We got felafel.
GK: I don't care for felafel.
TK (TEEN, ON PHONE): How about chicken soup? Danny really puts his heart into his chicken soup.
GK: Too bad he doesn't put in any chicken.
TK (TEEN, ON PHONE): We got liverwurst. We got bologna. Wieners.
GK: Okay, give me liverwurst. And the cole slaw. And a coffee.
TK: (TEEN ON PHONE): By the way, there was a lady in here looking for you, Mr. Noir. A real beauty.
GK: What did she want?
TK (TEEN, ON PHONE): She just seemed real anxious to see you. .
GK: Well, I guess word gets around, huh.
TK: (TEEN ON PHONE): Right. (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: I was just freshening my breath (SPRAY) when (KNOCKS ON DOOR) ----Yeah, it's open. Come in. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE)
TR: Are you Guy Noir? Like it says on the door? (BRIDGE)
GK: He was a doofus in earth tones, in musty green trousers and a brown nubbly pullover with a hood that looked like he might curl up and sleep in it for six months and hope to wake up with a pair of wings.
TR: I need you to talk to someone for me, Mr. Noir. I seem to have a problem. So I need you to talk to her for me.
GK: I see. Who?
TR: A woman I met at an antique show. Very nice woman. I seem to have a problem. I need you to find her.
GK: Uh huh. And what is this concerning?
TR: Her highboy.
GK: I see.
TR: I met her and she was looking for a lowboy. For her highboy. There seems to be a problem. So I need you to find her
GK: Okay. Fine. I'll find her. What's the problem?
TR: I forgot her name.
GK: The woman with the highboy.
TR: Yes. She's looking for a lowboy.
GK: And you have a lowboy?
TR: I do. She was a very nice woman. I met her at an antique show.
GK: Yes, you said that.
TR: I'm crazy about antiques. I collect cupboards. Bureaus, chests, chiffoniers, credenzas, that sort of thing. Armoires.
GK: Lowboys.
TR: She collects cupboards too. Like me. Bureaus, chestsf..
GK: Chiffoniers, credenzas----
TR: Right. Armoires. That sort of thing.
GK: Highboys.
TR: Exactly. I'm in love with her, Mr. Noir. I'm desperate to see her again. I want you to find her and give her this.
GK: What is this, a champagne glass? (DING OF CRYSTAL)
TR: It's a rare crystal goblet. From the Ding Dynasty. Four hundred years old. I want you to give it to her. And tell her I love her.
GK: What does she look like?
TR: What I remember is that she wore white shoes, beaded, with pearls and stuff.
GK: That's what you remember: her shoes???
TR: I was on my knees.
GK: Well, of course. Of course. (BRIDGE)
GK: He gave me a description and I was about to make the rounds of shoe stores when Wendell arrived with my lunch.
TK (TEEN): We were out of liverwurst, so I substituted knockwurst, and instead of a Kaiser, I put it in a cinnamon roll. And instead of slaw I brought you a packet of grape jelly. Hope that's okay.
GK: Thanks, Wendell. Here. And keep the change.
TK (TEEN): A quarter. Wow. (BRIDGE)
GK: I combed the town for a lady with white beaded shoes and then I had an inspiration: I put a notice up in every antique store, "Lowboy for Sale to Highest Bidder". And that same day (LIGHT KNOCKS) ---- Yeah, come in. The door's open-----(DOOR OPEN. SEXY SAX) And she walked in the door, all blonde and luminous, looking like the homecoming queen at Heavenly High. White shoes and all. There was a geometry about her, a series of arcs and parabolas, that took away a man's power of speech for a moment. I wished she'd let me kiss her, or if not, at least whisper into her mouth. I heard a humming in my ears and realized it was me.
SS: Isn't that Cole Porter you're humming?
GK: How would you know about Cole Porter? You're only----
SS: Twenty-four.
GK: Twenty-four. Give me a moment while I try to get my heart beating again.
SS: But I love old things.
GK: You do??
SS: I love old things.
GK: It just so happens I'm on the market.
SS: I mean, I collect antiques. I happen to own an extremely rare chest.
GK: I'll say. I've been admiring it ever since you walked in the room.
SS: I'm talking about a highboy, Mr. Noir.
GK: Whatever your name for that is ----
SS: It's from 1765 and it's extremely valuable.
GK: I can imagine----
SS: That's why I came to you, Mr. Noir. I need the lowboy that goes with this highboy. I'm desperate to have it. I'll do anything to get it. Anything.
GK: That's quite an offer----
SS: I'll do anything. Whatever you'd like. (CRASH OF GLASS) ---What was that?
GK: Nothing. A glass.
SS: It sounded like a royal goblet from the Ding Dynasty. Oh my gosh. Where did you get that? Was Earl here?
GK: Who?
SS: Earl Dettmer. He collects them. I met him at an antique show.
GK: Are we talking about a mousy guy in earth tones? A nebbish in Hush Puppies?
SS: Oh, he doesn't look like much. I grant you that. But ---- well, I --- I love him, Mr. Noir. I must find him.
GK: Lady, let me tell you something. Men are always at their peak on the first date, and then it's all downhill. You're young and inexperienced, you don't know this----
SS: He loves cabinets and cupboards and so do I. I---- I want to merge our collections, Mr. Noir.
GK: Sweetheart. Marriage, my dear, is not for people like you and me. Marriage is for clerks and accountants. You and I are artists. We're not into bondage. If Shakespeare had been married to the dark lady, do you think he would've written all those sonnets? No. He'd have mowed the lawn instead. You need someone who understands you. And I know all about women. That's why I'm not married. Listen, I know a little club called the Black Cat. It's very hip. And I get a discount with my AARP card. Let's go, have a few drinks, a few laughs, I'll make you forget all about this bozo.
SS: I don't care what you say. I must see him. Is this his phone number? Oh, thank you, Mr. Noir. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Let me give you a big hug.
GK: No hugs for me, sweetheart. I don't like to sniff a wine I know I'm not going to get to drink. You be careful out there, kid. (BRIDGE) (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS).
TR (JIMMY): Hey, there, Guy. How's it going?
GK: Not so good, Jimmy. I fell in love with a goddess and she didn't even notice.
TR (JIMMY): Well, you're looking good.
GK: Yeah. I'm at that age all right.
TR (JIMMY): What age is that?
GK: Well, there's childhood. And there's youth. And there's middle age. And then there's: you're looking good.
TR (JIMMY): Look on the bright side, Guy. You're at the stage of life where your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
GK: She broke my heart, Jimmy. I wanted to show her a good time and she wants to marry this weasel in the brown sweater. Why would anyone marry when you can fool around? Marriage is a feast where the appetizers are better than the main course and there is no dessert whatsoever. It's the deathbed of romance.
TR (JIMMY): You ever been married, Guy?
GK: Once. A long time ago. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was "Always." (THEN) How about you, Jimmy. You ever tie the knot?
TR (JIMMY): I met this girl in night school. We got engaged. Almost married her.
GK: What happened?
TR (JIMMY): I saw her during the day.
GK: Yeah.
TR (JIMMY): What can I get you, Guy?
GK: The usual.
TR (JIMMY): One Martini with a soybean coming right up.
GK: On second thought, give me a pledge week martini. Hold the olives, give me the pits.
TR (JIMMY): Okay, coming right up.
(THEME)
TR: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions-----Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2001