(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
GK: Our sound effects man Tom Keith has decided to give up air travel.
TK: That's right.
GK: Every time Tom used to fly, two days later he'd come down with a cold. (BIG SNEEZE)
TK: Excuse me.
GK: The sort of cold that goes on for a week and produces quarts of you know what. (JUICY NOSE BLOW) Plus that, there never was enough leg room. If the person ahead of you leaned back---- (CRACKING OF BONES) it drove your femur up into your pelvis. And there were all those strange sounds from the rear of the fuselage. (METALLIC GROAN, CRACK, SQUEAK) And Tom was always getting seated next to the guy who ordered the two double Manhattans.
TK (DRUNK): So what kind of work you do, pal? Huh?
GK: And then all of this happened.
TK: I kinda lost interest in flying then.
GK: So Tom is looking for alternate means of transportation for our road shows. Like a late model Lamborghini. (CAR ACCEL THROUGH GEARS) Or the bus. (AIR BRAKE RELEASE). Or a hot air balloon. (BLAST OF HEATER, SQUEAK OF RIGGING). Or maybe an ore boat on the Great Lakes. (BOAT HORN) And of course there's always the train. (WHISTLE AND STEAM LOCO) Take the Burlington Zephyr or the Hiawatha to Chicago and then the Lakeshore Limited out to New York. (FAST TRAIN) Or the City of New Orleans. Or the Super Chief. You have a private car with your own chef.
(TK FRENCH: Supper is on ze table.)
GK: and your own wine steward (CORKSCREW AND CORK POP) and your own masseuse (TK MURMURS OF PLEASURE) and your own Lutheran minister----
TR (MINNESOTA): Let us turn this morning to the gospel of St. Luke and the parable of the prodigal son.
GK: Okay, maybe not your own Lutheran minister. Maybe he's up in coach and if you need him, he can come back to you. But you'll have all the comforts of home there in your private car, a TV (TV AUDIO) and a railroad cat (MEOW) and a lava lamp (BUBBLES) and a golf tee on the back platform (SWING, KONK) where, when you're in the mood, you can send up rockets (ROCKETS). Unfortunately, a private car for Tom Keith costs money. And that's why we're coming to you, our listeners. If you value the sound effects you hear on this show, the dogs (DOG), the bison (SFX), cougars (SFX), kittycats (SFX), caribou (SFX), wapiti (SFX), elands (SFX), the dripping faucet (DRIPS), the elk (SFX) --- then do your part to purchase luxury transportation for Tom Keith. If everybody kicked in a thousand bucks, we could get that private railway car and you'd know that Tom Keith would be around all season, providing the sound effects that you've come to expect over the years. The surf (SFX), the gulls (SFX), the beautiful girl diving into the pool (DIVING BOARD, DIVE) --- if these are important to you and to your family, why not call the bank on Monday and see if you can't swing a loan for a thousand bucks? It comes out to just pennies per sound effect (WOLF HOWL, WHINNY, CHICKEN, ROOSTER) that you've enjoyed here on the show over the years. Do your part. Otherwise, Tom Keith is going to.........(FOOTSTEPS) Tom? Tom? (DOOR CLOSE). Tom? (KNOCKS) Tom?
(MUSIC PLAYOFF)
© Garrison Keillor 2001