(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
He's smooth, he's cool, for a person his age
A master in the boudoir
A man in a trenchcoat for when life is a stage
That's Guy, Guy Noir
The women ask, "Who's that guy over there?
Smoking that lovely cigar?
In the wrinkled blue suit and the interesting hair?
It's Guy......Guy Noir.
Where's your old mom, he'll find her
And the friends you used to know
And the beautiful lady you saw on the train
In Paris, so long ago.
You have to be braver as time goes by
And follow your lucky star
If you need help from an older guy
Call on Guy.......Guy Noir
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the quiet streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions -- Guy Noir, private eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was a beautiful fall day, warm and golden, the sort of day when you think maybe you've discovered the secret of happiness or something. I got to the office around noon and called over to Danny's Deli for a pastrami on a Kaiser and listened to my messages. (BEEP)
TR (MINNESOTA): Ya, it's just Bob down at the barbershop then. Got you down for a haircut at 4 but if 4:30 is better, hey, no problem --- or if you want to stick with four, that's fine. Whatever. Five o'clock is good too. Or five-thirty. That works. Okay, see ya real soon then. Bye now. (BEEP)
SS (ON PHONE, BREATHY): Mr. Noir? It's Diana De-twah. I must see you. Call my cellphone, my pager, send me a fax, e-mail. Please. My number is....(BEEP)
TK (ON PHONE, TEEN): Mr. Noir, it's Wendell. You want that pastrami with mustard or what? And how about lettuce? Give me a call. (BEEP)
GK: The message from Miss De-twah was intriguing. I was wondering if she might be one of THE De-twahs whose marital problems you read about in the newspaper. Naw, probably not.....(PHONE RINGS, PICK UP)
GK: Yeah. Guy Noir here. Private investigation, personal counseling, photocopying, and available as a live-in companion for the right person. What can I do for you?
TK (ON PHONE): Is this the detective agency?
GK: Yes, sir.
TK: (ON PHONE) This isn't somebody else?
GK: No, sir.
TK (ON PHONE): You're not one of those people who keep calling me on the phone and hanging up?
GK: No, sir. Who are these people?
TK: (ON PHONE) I have no idea. That's how clever they are.
GK: So they keep calling you?
TK: (ON PHONE) They call up on the phone to make sure I'm here where they can get me and then they hang up.
GK: When was the last time?
TK: (ON PHONE) A month ago.
GK: A month ago?
TK (ON PHONE): They're making sure I'm here where they can get their mitts on me.
GK: But what do they want with you?
TK: (ON PHONE) What do you mean?
GK: What are they trying to get from you?
TK (ON PHONE): Why do you ask that question?
GK: It's a logical question----
TK (ON PHONE): Are you intimating that I made the whole thing up?
GK: I'm not, sir.
TK (ON PHONE): You're blaming the victim, mister. That's what you're doing.
GK: I am not.
TK (ON PHONE): A man is in a desperate situation and you think he's inventing the whole thing. Blaming the victim.
GK: Okay. Have a nice day.
TK (ON PHONE): I hope you roast in hell. (PHONE SLAM) (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: It isn't easy, being in one of the helping professions. People who need help aren't always a lot of fun to be with: I've noticed that over the years. Sometimes you think maybe it'd be nice to be a florist. Or a gigolo. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Yeah, come in. The door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS) Oh, my gosh.
(SEXY SAX) It was the most beautiful woman I ever saw outside of the movies. Her face was a face I'd follow anywhere. She wore black spandex pants so tight I could see her appendectomy scar and a blouse that laid all the cards on the table. And a Doberman who gave me a casual homicidal look. (SNARL)
SS: Mr. Noir, I'm Diana Detroit (dee-Twah) and I came to make you a very simple proposition.
GK: Well, let me tell you: the answer is yes. But maybe you should explain it to your dog first. (SNARL)
SS: Kendall. Hush. (QUIET SNARL) I just flew in from Detroit, Mr. Noir. Perhaps you've heard of me. Francois Detroit was my father. He owned about half of downtown Detroit. Inherited it from his grandfather. The city was named for an ancestor of mine.
GK: Detroit was.
SS: Except we kept the original pronunciation. Detroit.
GK: So what's your proposition, ma'am? (SNARL)
SS: My husband Ricky DeSoto --- about a year ago he renounced all material things and went to India to meditate and go around in a little white nightshirt and live on goat yoghurt. But he neglected to sign the papers relinquishing his share of our multi-billion-dollar fortune. And I'm wanting to sell some buildings. That's where you come in, Mr. Noir. (DOG BARKS) Hush, Kendall.
GK: What can I do?
SS: You're a dead ringer for Ricky. The mirror image. I want you to live with me in my mansion in GroSSe Point --- live as my husband and enjoy a life of luxury and unbelievable hedonism and then, in six months, sign the papers and make me the wealthiest woman in America. For which I would pay you very, very handsomely, believe me.
GK: She batted her lashes and I could feel the breeze. (SNARL) I could also hear the saliva dripping from the Doberman's jaws. ---- You say, we'd live together as husband and wife for six months in disgusting luxury and then I'd walk away with a bucket of cash?
SS: Exactly.
GK: Just because I look like Ricky.
SS: You're like identical twins.
GK: When you say you'd pay me handsomely, what neighborhood of handsomely are we talking about? Thousands? Hundreds?
SS: I was thinking more along the line of a million or so.
GK: A million.
SS: How about two million?
GK: Two million dollars?
SS: Okay, make it three. (SNARL)
GK: When you say we'd live as husband and wife, what do you mean exactly? We'd go out to dinner and get into a big fight and you'd tell me I need professional help? Or what?
SS: Oh, you fool. You beautiful fool. Kiss me. (SHE MURMURS) (DOG SNARLS)
GK: And suddenly she was on me like a postage stamp. Her lips locked onto mine and (KISS SFX) she kissed me for what seemed like hours, my heart leaping around in my chest, the dog edging closer to my leg. (DOG BARK, RELEASE OF KISS, POP)----
SS (BREATHLESS): There. How was that?
GK: You're some kisser, Miss Detroit.
SS: Detroit----
GK: Detroit. Of course.
SS: Meet me at the airport in an hour. At the helipad. My jet helicopter will be waiting. We'll start our married life ---- tonight. (DOG BARKS) (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: It was every man's fantasy. A fabulous woman, no commitment, and a big severance package. (STREET OUTDOOR AMBIENCE) I stopped at Danny's Deli to pick up the pastrami sandwich.
TK (TEEN): We didn't have a Kaiser roll so I put it on raisin bread. And we're out of pastrami so I gave you liverwurst instead. Okay?
GK: No problem. And could you wrap that to go?
TK (TEEN): You want it to go?
GK: I'm leaving on a trip in an hour, Wendell. Going to Detroit to visit a friend.
TK (TEEN): Oh. Who's he?
GK: She.
TK (TEEN): She?
GK: And don't tell anybody, but there's a romantic interest involved.
TK (TEEN): On her part or yours?
GK: She's crazy about me, Wendell.
TK (TEEN): How long since she's seen you?
GK: What are you getting at, Wendell?
TK (TEEN): The hair in your ears is getting out of control, Mr. Noir. It looks like moss or something.
GK: I'm on my way to the barber right now. (MUSIC BRIDGE) (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS)
TR (MINNESOTA): Oh. Hi there, Guy. How you doing then?
GK: How was I doing when?
TR (MINNESOTA): I just wanted to know if you're doing okay then.
GK: Right. And I'm wondering what period of time you're referring to.
TR (MINNESOTA): Okay, then. What can I do for you there?
GK: Just a little trim, Bob. Not too short.
TR (MINNESOTA): Okay, then. (ELECTRIC CLIPPERS) So --- I suppose you been reading the papers. Quite the deal with all this here terrorist stuff, don't you think. Yeah. Quite the deal. Lot of people talking about it, that's for sure. Yeah. Sure seems like a guy'd have to think twice before he flew somewhere on an airplane, I'd say. Not that I was planning to go anywhere, but you know what I mean. Just seems like a person oughta be careful. I donno. (VOICE DRONES ON, UNDER)
GK: I drifted off listening to Bob's analysis of the Middle Eastern situation and when I woke up it was twenty minutes later and he was still cutting.....(SCISSORS, BIG SNIPS, HAIR FALLING)
TR (MINNESOTA): Yah, it's hard to tell about some of this stuff, y'know, whether to believe what ya read in the papers or not, then. Kinda hard.
GK: (GASPS) Oh my gosh. What have you done? My hair! It's gone.
TR (MINNESOTA): Well, look at that. I got so carried away talking, I didn't even notice. Boy, ain't that something. Cut it all off 'cept for a few little wisps over your ears.
GK: I'm supposed to meet somebody in fifteen minutes! I've got to get a hairpiece.
TR (MINNESOTA): You wanna borrow mine then?
GK: No, I better borrow it right away. (MUSIC BRIDGE) It looked like roadkill but I planted it on my head and hustled out to the airport (TIRE SQUEAL AROUND CORNER, ENGINE REV) where Miss Detroit was waiting for me by the helipad. (OUTDOOR CITY AMBIENCE, RAPID FOOTSTEPS AND STOP) Hi. Darling. You all ready? I came as soon as I could. Something wrong?
SS: Who in the world are you?
GK: Guy Noir. We spoke an hour ago, darling.
SS: What happened to your head? Is that a hat or some kind of scalp disease?
GK: It's a hairpiece I'm trying out.
SS: For Halloween?
GK: It's a disguise. I work undercover sometimes.
SS: Well, take it off and let's get out of here.
GK: Okay. (SLIGHT RUSTLE)
SS: Oh my gosh. You have head lice too?
GK: Just came from the barber. He got a little carried away.
SS: They should've carried you away.
GK: It'll grow out. Don't worry.
SS: Well, send me a postcard when it does.
GK: You don't want me to come with you?
SS: What's the point? You don't look like Ricky anymore. You don't look like anybody.
GK: I could wear a hat. Really. I'll stay indoors. It'll only be for a few weeks. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY. DOOR CLOSE) Diana? You want me to come in a few weeks? Send me your address. I could meet you there---- (CHOPPER START, SLOW ROTOR, THEN FASTER, THEN LIFTS OFF AND AWAY, FADING) (QUIET MUSIC BRIDGE)
TR (JIMMY): So she just walked away, huh?
GK: Yeah, Jimmy. Walked away and got to the horizon and kept on going.
TR (JIMMY): Beautiful women have a way of doing that, you know.
GK: Yeah, I know. I'm familiar with the phenomenon. I wanted her too much, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): That's exactly right.
GK: It's Guy Noir's Law. The object of desire is repelled in direct proportion to the strength of the desire.
TR (JIMMY): Absolutely.
GK: It's a Zen thing. It's why we have six months of winter here.
TR (JIMMY): We want summer too much.
GK: We want it too much. In California they can take it or leave it, so they get it.
TR (JIMMY): It's what happened to the Twins.
GK: Wanted it too much.
TR (JIMMY): It's the story of Minnesota.
GK: We wanted a great governor, a wise and compassionate and progressive governor, and we wanted it too much.
TR (JIMMY): So instead we got what we got.
GK: Let me tell you something from painful experience, Jimmy: beautiful women are attracted to men who don't care about them.
TR (JIMMY): Absolutely correct.
GK: Beautiful models hang out with guys for whom a beautiful woman is not that big a deal.
TR (JIMMY): And if you or I came along with our tongue hanging down----
GK: They would look at us with loathing and contempt.
TR (JIMMY): Loathing and contempt. It happens over and over.
GK: We love them and it just irritates them.
TR (JIMMY): The surest way to a woman's heart is not to return her calls.
GK: It drives her crazy.
TR (JIMMY): Your disinterest gets her full attention.
GK: Guys like us who lie down in her path moaning and waving our arms --- she don't want us.
TR (JIMMY): She steps over us, on her way to look for the guy who doesn't care.
GK: Our desire repels her.
TR (JIMMY): You got it.
GK: So what do we do, Jimmy?
TR (JIMMY): We sit right here and if a beautiful woman walks in, we don't even look up.
GK: We'll completely ignore her.
TR (JIMMY): Won't give her the time of day.
GK: If Diana Detroit should walk in full of remorse and sit down beside me and put her arm around me and weep on my shoulder, I'll look at her like she was a sack of potatoes.
TR (JIMMY): You got it.
GK: Anybody coming?
TR (JIMMY): Nope.
GK: Good.
TR (JIMMY): Nobody coming whatsoever.
GK: Make me a drink, pal.
TR (JIMMY): The usual?
GK: The usual.
TR (JIMMY): One martini with a soybean, coming up. (THEME)
SS: High above the busy streets, in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, one man seeks the answers to life's persistent questions......Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2001