(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
TR (BIG RICH ANNOUNCER): And now CARL, the Canadian American Radio League, brings you this word about radio broadcasting as a career choice. (MUSIC)
GK: People sometimes ask me why I went into radio, and then I turn and look at them and ---- (SS GASP) then they know why radio is the only medium for me.
SS: Your face ---- your head ---- they're completely transparent!
GK: Transparent skin. A result of using the wrong skin cleansers when I was a teenager. There is such a thing as skin that is too clear---- I found it out too late.
SS: I can see --- all your blood vessels. Your teeth. The gum in your mouth. I can see your brain. It's--- not as big as I thought it would be.
GK: For years I wore a ski mask but now I've learned to live with having a transparent head. And I've earned a pretty good living by letting brain surgeons study me.
TR (DOCTOR): Hmmmmmmmm. Interesting. Turn this way. ---- Hmmmmm. Hold your finger in the air and wiggle it back and forth and go RMMMMM RMMMMM.
GK: RMMMMM RMMMMM.
TR (DOCTOR): Interesting.
GK: The thing you miss, when you suffer from transcranial-luminence, is a normal social life. People try to be nice, but people being nice to you is not the same as having friends. (TABLEWARE, EATING)
SS: I'm sorry, what were you saying?
GK: I was talking about this wonderful book I'm reading. The one about the homesteaders.
SS: Right. Of course. ---- The homesteading book. --- Go on. Tell more.
GK: You're staring at my head again.
SS: Am I? I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It's just that---- it's so fascinating to watch you chew your food.
GK: I'm not a science experiment, okay? I'm a real person. I have needs, too. (MUSIC) And that's what led me into radio. It's a chance to talk about what matters to me without people watching me chew or checking out my nasal passages for deposits. Thanks to radio, I have a chance to enjoy close personal relationships with people I've never met ---
TK (TEEN): Gee, Mr. Wyler, you sure don't look anything like what I imagined. Your head---- is that plastic?
GK: No, it's just very clear skin, Timmy.
TK (TEEN): I've thought of going into radio myself.
GK: I'd say, from the looks of you, that's not a bad idea.
TK (TEEN): But how long does it take to learn all you have to know?
GK: About six weeks, Timmy.
TK (TEEN): How do I know if I have the aptitude for radio?
GK: If you can talk and stand upright at the same time and read a clock, that's all the aptitude you need.
TK (TEEN): Where can I go to find out more?
TR (ANNOUNCER): Call your local vocational-technical school for more information. Or see if there's a Radio Club in your neighborhood. Or write to us: the Canadian American Radio League. Box 1-9-5-6, Dept. D, Grand Central Station, New York 16, New York. That address once again is Box 1956, Dept. D, Grand Central Station, New York 16, New York. Please enclose a self-addressed envelope with proper postage and fifteen cents in coin taped to a slip of paper and allow six to eight weeks for a response. (BUTTON)
© Garrison Keillor 2001