(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
(GUY NOIR THEME & SONG)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the
answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: I was in New York on the case of a missing college student ---- parents distraught in Minnesota (TR & SS PARENT HYSTERICS) ---- turned out the daughter had moved in with her boyfriend (SS: What is the big deal---? I mean, really!) --- and I had to calm the parents down over the phone (TR & SS PARENT HYSTERICS ON PHONE) and get the daughter to promise to come home in July (SS: Whatever! Like, really!) and I had to explain to the parents that I couldn't throw the boyfriend out of the window (TR & SS PARENTS OVER PHONE) and I couldn't drug the daughter and bring her home (SS: That is like so sick...) and then I had to dash to the airport---- (TRAFFIC) Taxi! (CAR RACES PAST) Off-duty. Darn. (CARS RACE PAST) Half an hour til my plane goes.....Taxi! (SHARP WHISTLE, CAR ZOOMS PAST) Finally this gypsy cab pulls up. (ENGINE MISSING, SPUTTERING, HISSING)
TR (RUSSIAN): You go to airport, mister? Twenty dollar.
GK: Fine. Let's go. (DOOR SLAM. CAR PULLS AWAY, SPUTTERING, MISSING)
TR (RUSSIAN): Plus four dollar toll plus eight dollar handling charge.
GK: Okay, okay. Fine, I don't care--- You sure this car's gonna make it?
TR (RUSSIAN): This car make it. No worry. We make it.
GK: Okay, okay, okay, let's go. (CAR SLOWING, CONT'D) Why are you slowing down? That's a green light!
TR (RUSSIAN): You never know. It could turn red any minute.
GK: C'mon, you got to go with the traffic, fella. You can't come to a stop at every intersection----
TR (RUSSIAN): Someone run a red light, I'd be killed--- (RUSSIAN SOUND, EXTERMINATION) ---
GK: But you're a cabdriver, you're supposed to go fast. You ever hear that phrase, "step on it"?
TR (RUSSIAN): You want me to die? (HE STARTS GETTING WEEPY) (RUSSIAN SORROW) ----
GK: Okay, here's another ten. A speed bonus. Please. (CAR ACCEL) That's better. Look out for that car ahead, the one with the bumper sticker, HONK IF YOU WANT TO SEE MY FINGER----- Don't do it. (HONK) Same to you, fella. (BRIDGE, HURRY MUSIC) (CAR SLOWING, MISSING, STEAMING) We finally pulled up to the terminal at LaGuardia and (DOOR SLAM, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) (INDOOR TERMINAL AMBIANCE) I dashed to the E-ticket machine ---- which took forever ---- (GK SIGHS....THREE BEATS, THEN SERIES OF SOFT BEEPS) What? "See counter agent?" (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) Spent another fifteen minutes in line. Ay yi yi.
TR (SOUTHERN, SLOW TALKING): Can I help the next customer in line? (RUNNING STEPS)
GK: I have an e-ticket for the next flight to St. Paul. Noir. N-o-i-r. Guy. G-u-y. Here's my ID. My bags have been in my possession the whole time and nobody has asked me to carry anything aboard the aircraft.
TR (SOUTHERN): Okay. Let me see. (SLOW CLICKING OF KEYS) You say, St. Paul?
GK: Yes. St. Paul.
TR (SOUTHERN): Real good. Now spell your name for me----
GK: It's N-o-i-r.
TR (SOUTHERN): N-----o----- (BRIDGE)
GK: It took fifteen minutes to print one ticket. (FAST FOOTSTEPS) excuse me--- excuse me---- sorry----- watch your back---- coming through----
TK (TEEN): Excuse me--- aren't you somebody on television?
GK: No, I'm not.
TK (TEEN): Oh. You sure look like that guy on TV. You know the guy----
GK: I have no idea. Excuse me. I'm in a hurry.
TK(TEEN): Could I have your autograph anyway?
GK: No. Beat it. -----I made it to the security check with about eight minutes to go----- (BEEP) and it turns out to be one of those days when they have the metal detector fine-tuned so it detects your zipper ----
TK (GROWLY GUY): You got a cell phone? Keys? A small revolver? Explosives?
GK: No, of course not. But I've got fillings. You want to see?
TK: Go back and come through again.
GK: Look---- my plane leaves in seven minutes---- (HURRY MUSIC) So I remove the staple from my plane ticket and I put a couple pennies in the plastic basket and I go through again and (BEEP)----
TK: Okay. In the cubicle. Right there. Strip to your socks and shorts. Now. Go! Hup heeya hup hup---- (HURRY MUSIC)
GK: I dashed to the gate (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) and got there with five minutes to spare just as the gate agent ---- no! don't! please! (BIG IRON DOOR SLAM SHUT, WITH REVERB)
SS: The flight is closed.
GK: Please----
SS: The flight is closed.
GK: Have mercy.
SS: There's nothing I can do.
GK: I still had five minutes.
SS: Four minutes and forty-six seconds....
GK: Please. It's very important. I have to get back to St. Paul. I have appointments---- I have a life there.
SS: The flight is closed. Our next flight is at seven-fifteen.
GK: But that's hours from now!
SS: Six hours and forty-five minutes.
GK: Six hours in a terminal?? Do you know what you're doing to me???
SS: Mister, I spend eight hours every day in a terminal. Share the pain, okay? (BRIDGE)
GK: I looked around for a place to crash and found a seat off in a corner, far from the mob, far from the gate change announcements, a seat next to a wall, and I blew up my inflatable pillow (PUFFING) and leaned my head against it and there was a very sweet aroma of frozen strawberry yoghurt, and the next thing I knew, there was my old girlfriend, Sugar---- (OUTDOOR AMBIANCE, TERRACE BESIDE A POOL) and we were lying on chaises beside a pool where beautiful young women were cavorting-----
SS (SUGAR): I love that feeling of sun on my face, don't you, Guy?
GK: Yeah.
SS (SUGAR): It was a long winter.
GK: Yeah.
SS (SUGAR): And you been working too hard, Guy.
GK: Well, you know, the fight against crime never stops, babes.
SS (SUGAR): I been worried about you.
GK: Well, that's sweet of you.
SS (SUGAR): But now here we are in sunny Seattle.
GK: Right.
SS (SUGAR): With two weeks at the Seattle Tiki Hotel.
GK: Right.
SS (SUGAR): Thanks to your lucky number.
GK: Well, I knew someday old 55101 would come through for me. I just had to get the numbers in the right order.
SS (SUGAR): And you did. Ninety-six million dollars.
GK: Well, somebody's got to win the Powerball and why not moi?
SS (SUGAR): I'm so happy for you, Guy. Ninety-six million dollars.
GK: And thanks to George W., I get to keep more of it too. Remind me to send him a thank-you note.
TR (BRIT): Pardon me, sir. Anything from the bar for you?
GK: I smell strawberries.
TR (BRIT): We've been making daiquiris, sir. Would you care for one?
GK: Are the strawberries fresh?
TR (BRIT): Very much so, sir.
GK: Bring us two glasses of Sauvignon Blanc with strawberries in them.
TR (BRIT): Very good. And would you care to see our tea menu? We have tea sandwiches.
GK: Yeah. Bring us a whole big tray of tea sandwiches.
TR (BRIT): Very good, sir. And the President, sir? He's still on the phone---
GK: Tell him to call back later.
TR (BRIT): Very good, sir. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
SS (SUGAR): (TWO BEATS) I must say, you sure cut a fine figure in that swim bikini, Guy.
GK: Well, after I won the lottery, I decided to lose thirty pounds.
SS (SUGAR): My, you sure did. And you really built up your pectorals and deltoids.
GK: Well, you know, once you get into the exercise routine, it's not that hard.
SS (SUGAR): And your hair---- I never saw it so lush----
GK: It's a new drug. Reroutes hair from your back up to your head.
SS (SUGAR): You notice how every woman around the swimming pool is sneaking glances at you?
GK: Well, after awhile, a guy gets used to adoration. Let em look.
SS (SUGAR): You just look so sexy. Not many guys your age would dare to wear bikini trunks in public like that.
GK: Well, the human body is a beautiful thing, or can be.
SS (SUGAR): Gosh. I remember you when you were sort of a dumpy old galoot in a wrinkled suit slouching around and trying to borrow money from people.
GK: That's all over now, Sugar.
SS (SUGAR): But what are those little nicks on your neck? You cut yourself shaving?
GK: Oh. That. That's where they implanted the snake glands. Python pituitaries. It doubles your life expectancy. And it fights cavities.
SS (SUGAR): Wow. That's great.
GK: Has some other benefits too, but we can get to that later.
SS (SUGAR): What do you suppose President Bush wants to talk to you about?
GK: Guess he's nervous about that big tax cut he just signed, the bill I wrote for him. Afraid it might lead to budget deficits. I've told him a hundred times, it's going to lead us into a new age of prosperity. In fact, I'm putting about half of the 96 mil into the stock market. Technology stocks. All this scare talk about a recession, Sugar---- the market is just about to take off on another big ride. With dot-coms leading the way. And the rest of the dough, you and I are going to spend together.
SS (SUGAR): Together? You and me?
GK: You and me, Sugar.
SS (SUGAR): You really mean that, Guy?
GK: Here---- I been meaning to give you this.
SS (SUGAR): Wow, a diamond ring! With a stone the size of a doorknob. Does this mean what I think it means?
GK: Yes, it does, darling. Marry me.
SS (SUGAR): Me? Marry you? Oh Guy. You just made me the happiest woman in the world. When?
GK: No time like the present. I flew Billy Graham out to perform the ceremony.
TR (GRAHAM): I just want to say God bless you both a whole bunch on your wedding day and I'm gonna head up to my suite and get my Bible. Be right back.
SS (SUGAR): Wow. Billy Graham! And what's this? Somebody's wheeling out a big cart for a buffet---
GK: It's Julia Child. She's catering the reception.
TR (JULIA): I whipped up this pate en croute and this walleye bouillabaisse and I hope you like truffles in Jell-o----
SS (SUGAR): Oh, Guy! This is such a big surprise! But what'll I wear??
GK: Yves St. Laurent is here--- he brought a gown for you----
SS (SUGAR): Oh gosh! It's so elegant. (TR FRENCH GIBBERISH, HOLDING UP GOWN, JUDGING FOR FIT AND TAILORING) Oh my heavens! I love it! Merci! Merci---- (TR FRENCH, FADING)
GK: He says he'll have it all ready for you in fifteen minutes----
SS (SUGAR): But I don't have any makeup.
TR (DEEP WOMAN'S VOICE): I'm Estee Lauder, darling. I've brought you a free gift with purchase. Now just look up and hold very still, we're going to start with a cleanser.....
SS (SUGAR): Oh Guy, you thought of everything.
TR (CLINTON): Hi there, Sugar. Guy---- thanks for inviting me to the wedding. Hilary should be here any minute. Soon as she finishes waxing Senator Jeffords's car.
GK: You bring your saxophone, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): Got it right here, Guy. All set to go. (SAX STARTS SLOW BREATHY VERSION OF MENDELSSOHN WEDDING MARCH, AND FADES)
GK: Guess we're all set. Oh, here's Jack, my best man.
TR (NICHOLSON): I came as soon as I got the word, big fella. Hey---- you must be Sugar. Nice. Real nice.
SS (SUGAR): But who's going to be my matron of honor?
TR (JULIA): Soon as I slice the pate en croute, I'll be right there, mon cher!
SS (SUGAR): Oh Guy---- I'm so happy.
GK: Me too, Sugar. I don't know when I ever felt this happy. Finally getting back together with you and marriage and ---- in the morning, we'll aim our private Lear jet west toward Hawaii. Japan. Bangkok. Singapore. Just you and me---- (SAX SWITCHES INTO DREAMLIKE MODE HERE, VERY SLOW, IMPRESSIONISTIC)---
SS: Sir? Sir? Wake up, sir.
GK: Huh? What? Where am I? Who----
SS: Sir, you missed your plane.
GK: What plane?
SS: The seven-fifteen to Minneapolis. It left ten minutes ago.
GK: Oh. Okay. When's the next one?
SS: Tomorrow morning. Six thirty.
GK: Okay. No problem. I'll just go back to sleep. Thanks. (STARTS TO SNORE) (DREAM MUSIC)
TR (REVERB): And the winner of the 2001 Nobel Prize for Best Broadway Musical---- the author of "And Away We Go"---- the very talented, the much beloved, the one and only Mister----- Guy------ Noir. (THEME)
SS: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is
still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy
Noir, Private Eye.
(MUSIC OUT)
© Garrison Keillor 2001