(GK: Garrison Keillor; TK: Tom Keith; SS: Sue Scott: TR: Tim Russell)
......after this word from Fritz Electronics. (NINE-BEEP SEQUENCE, TK & ORGAN)
GK: Have you ever stood in a public place next to someone who was on a cell phone----
TR (HARD LOUD RASPY VOICE): YEAH, I'M HEADING THAT WAY RIGHT NOW.......I SHOULD BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES ------ I SAID, I SHOULD BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES!!!!
GK: It's a guy with that dangly kind of cell phone with the microphone that hangs down and the tiny keypad in his hand. At first glance, he looks like a standard paranoid schizophrenic.
TR (HARD VOICE): YEAH, I TALKED TO RALPH ABOUT IT. SOON AS I GET THERE, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HE SAID. HE BASICALLY SAID GO AHEAD, THAT WAS WHAT HE TOLD ME ANYWAY.
GK: And then you see, No, he's not crazy or homeless, it's worse, he's a thoughtless jerk.
TR (HARD VOICE): NO, YOU'RE COMING IN LOUD AND CLEAR. YEAH. REAL GOOD SIGNAL HERE. HUH? I'M AT THE AIRPORT. HEADING TOWARD BAGGAGE. ----YEAH.
GK: You'd like to shoot him. But now, thanks to Fritz Electronics, you can just shoot the cell phone. It's called the Interruptor. It fits in your palm. Push the stop button and it's all over.
TR (HARD VOICE): BOB? YOU STILL THERE??? BOB?
GK: The Interruptor. It searches out the frequency of the nearest cell phone and destroys it. By microwave.
TR (HARD VOICE): I CAN'T HEAR YOU. BOB?
GK: One blast and that cell phone becomes a small ornamental object.
TR (HARD VOICE): BOB???
GK: And then, too late, he realizes that molten plastic is running into his ear.
TR: (CRY OF PAIN) (SHRILL PAIN CHORDS)
GK: The Interceptor. A radical device. But sometimes necessary. Also useful in rush hour on the freeway. Clips to your steering wheel. Eliminate as many cell phones as you like. And when someone acts like a jerk---- (HONK. TK YELL "HEY, MOVE IT," OFF) one button turns his radio to full blast, heavy metal. (RADIO TAPE BLAST, TK SHRIEK). And if he acts like a jerk and he has an NRA bumper sticker, one button triggers his air bag. (BOOM, TIRES SCREECH)
GK: It's a radical device. But useful. From Fritz Electronics. (BEEP BEEP)
© Garrison Keillor 2001