(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith)
.....brought to you by the Catchup Advisory Board.
GK: The only direct flight from St. Paul to Norfolk is aboard Quality Air, the no-frills airline, which is based in St. Paul. (ENGINE HUM)
It's a pretty good airline you just want to get there. They fly reconditioned B-27s from World War II, a good reliable plane, and the cargo is right there in the middle (CHICKENS) so you can keep your eyes on it and the seats are benches along the sides so your seat back is always in the upright position, and there are no seat belts, just a long rope running aft, which you can tuck under your belt, it's up to you. And the flight attendant is no-frills too.
SS: Hey. Ya want a snack?
GK: Sure.
SS: Here.
GK: Raisins?
SS: That's what we got.
GK: You don't have salted peanuts?
SS: Just raisins.
GK: Last time you had pretzels.
SS: Just raisins today. (SHE COUGHS) Ya want em or not.
GK: No, thanks.
SS: Suit yourself.
GK: You have coffee?
SS: No coffee. Just juice.
GK: What kind of juice?
SS: Raisin juice.
GK: That's all?
SS: Just raisin juice.
GK: Oh.
SS: You want some?
GK: Okay.
SS: Here.
GK: This is a pretty tiny carton of juice.
SS: You don't get much juice out of raisins.
GK: Do you know when we'll get to Norfolk?
SS: When we get where?
GK: Norfolk.
SS: No, I don't. Got no idea. (OFF) Hey, Fred! When do we get into Norfolk?
(DOOR OPEN....FOOTSTEPS, GEEZER MUTTERING)
TR (GEEZER): Huh? You talking to me?
SS: Passenger here wants to know when we get in to Norfolk.
TR: Well, let me see. Seems like somebody told me that. Just trying to remember. What time is it now? Oh. Wait a minute. Think it's some time around five or six.
SS: Five! Can't be. We just took off. I'm just doing the first pass with the raisins.
TR: Well, let me think.
GK: Sir---- it's okay --- don't you think you should be in the cockpit?
TR: Oh, don't worry, Rex has got it under control. (DOG BARKS, OFF) Right, Rex? You got it under control, right? (DOG BARKS, OFF)
GK: Your dog is flying the plane?
TR: Best darn pilot you ever saw. That dog knows that instrument panel backwards and forwards. Best dog for takeoffs and landings you ever saw. Little sassy with air traffic control, but----
GK: You mean the dog was at the controls when we took off?
TR: This dog is an ace, let me tell you.
GK: What kind of dog is he?
TR: Seeing eye dog.
GK: Seeing eye?
TR: Only problem the dog has is with turbulence. Gets airsick pretty easy. That's when I have to take over.
SS: When do we get into Norfolk, Fred?
TR: Norfolk! I thought they said Grand Forks. We're supposed to go to----- well, dang it. Misread the dang flight plan. Which way is Norfolk?
SS: South, I think.
TR: Take her on a heading south, Rex. South! (ENGINE REVS, DIVE-BOMBER FASHION) Not so hard, Rex. Not so hard. (SHAKING, JIGGLING, CHICKENS) Guess I better go help him out. (DOG HOWLS, OFF) Coming, Rex! Which way is the cockpit? This way or that?
GK: Excuse me, ma'am.
SS: Yeah, what is it?
GK: Would you happen to have a few little packets of catchup in the galley by any chance?
SS: You want catchup on your raisins?
GK: Ma'am, ordinarily I would never ask for favors, but I'm terrified, the plane is in the hands of a blind man and his dog, and ---- well, catchup has natural mellowing agents that help a person through these crises. Could I have a packet of catchup, please?
SS: Of course. No problem.
GK: Thank you. Thank you so much.
RD: Flying to Norfolk, the pilots Rex and Fred.
Tomorrow is a new day, that's what Mama said.
A new sun rising, there's catchup up ahead.
GK: Catchup....for the good times.
RD: Catchup....catchup.
(c) 2001 by Garrison Keillor