(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith)
GK: Elementary schoolteacher Megan Folwell, on how she copes with the demands of her profession.
SS: I love teaching and I think I'm good at it. And then it comes down to May and suddenly I'm exhausted, I'm months behind on my paperwork and the kids are behaving like maniacs and every day about noon I just feel like lying down and crying, and that's when the assistant principal walks in to do his classroom assessment. ---- How do I cope? I stay in shape, I eat well, I keep a positive outlook, I maintain a network of close friends, and I use a lot of drugs.
TR: Yes, if you're in a stressful line of work such as classroom teaching, you need the right pharmaceuticals to get you going in the morning, and prop you up through the midday slump, and make you happy and confident during parent-teacher conferences, and make your husband wild and passionate in the evening. If you're not using drugs now, maybe you should be. Everybody else is. Why aren't you?
GK: I never felt that I needed to, I guess.
TR: You didn't think you needed to?
GK: I always felt pretty good without them.
TR: "Pretty good"?
GK: Yeah.
TR: Is that all you expect from life? "Pretty good"?
GK: Is there more?
TR: Euphoria? Joie de vivre? Delight? Joy? Gaiety? Enchantment? Interested in any of those?
GK: I'd like some joy but can I get it without making a fool of yourself?
TR: With the right drugs, yes.
GK: I don't want to be joyful if it means not knowing where I am.
TR: We'll give you an anti-oblivion medication.
GK: Can I have euphoria without drooling?
TR: We have an anti-drool drug, too.
GK: How about babbling?
TR: Drugs can take care of that.
GK: Can I have euphoria and still operate a tractor and a manure spreader?
TR: Probably not.
GK: Oh. Okay.
TR: Pharmaceuticals: they're not just for sick people anymore. A message from the American Pharmaceutical Foundation.
(c) 2001 by Garrison Keillor