(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith)

----- this portion of our show brought to you by the Cafe Boeuf with your host, Maurice the maitre'd. Bonjour, Maurice.

TK: Eh?

GK: Bonjour-----

TK: Not sure about what, monsieur?
GK: Never mind.

TK: What can I bring you, monsieur?
GK: How about a salad?

TK: Oui, monsieur. Un salade! And after that?

GK: That's all.

TK: That's all, monsieur?

GK: That's all.

TK: A salad, monsieur?

GK: A salad.

TK: One little salad?

GK: That's all.

TK: What dressing with your salad?

GK: French?

TK: Monsieur, they are all French. All of the dressings are French. This is a French restaurant, non? The bread, it is French bread, the fried potatoes they are French fried, the baked potatoes they are French baked, the dressings are French.

GK: How about Roquefort?

TK: We have no more Roquefort.

GK: Bleu cheese?

TK: No more Bleu cheese.

GK: Vinaigrette?

TK: We are out of vinaigrette.

GK: Italian?

TK: Never heard of it.

GK: Russian?

TK: Be serious, monsieur.

GK: How about ranch?

TK: Ranch, monsieur?

GK: Ranch.

TK: We have ranch but not for you.

GK: Why not?

TK: Ranch only comes with a salad that is ordered with boeuf, monsieur.

GK: Oh.

TK: Only with a boeuf entree. That's why it's called ranch dressing.

GK: I didn't know that.

TK: A ranch is not where they raise salads, monsieur. A ranch is for boeuf!

GK: So if I don't order boeuf, I have to have my salad with no dressing.

TK: Oui, monsieur.

GK: I really only wanted a salad.

TK: Yes, I know.

GK: I've been trying to cut back.

TK: I can see why.

GK: You couldn't just ----

TK: Non.

GK: You couldn't?

TK: Non.

GK: I have to order the boeuf?

TK: Oui.

GK: Okay, I'll have the boeuf.

TK: Excellent. (FRENCH ENTHUSIASM) You wish your boeuf cooked rare, monsieur?

GK: I was thinking of medium, actually. Or medium well.

TK: MEDIUM WELL???? (FRENCH OUTRAGE) Medium!!! What is this, medium??? Why not order the boeuf covered with melted cheese, monsieur???? Why not have it chopped up and put in a bun with a big pickle!!!!!

GK: Okay. Okay. I'll have it rare.

TK: Beautiful. (FRENCH ADMIRATION) How rare?

GK: A little rare? Medium rare?

TK: Medium rare!!!! What is it with the medium???? The cow have given its life so you can overcook its body?????

GK: Okay. What do you recommend?

TK: I recommend very rare. Dark red and cool in the middle. The meat still (HEARTBEAT) ---- you know what I mean?

GK: Okay, whatever you say.

TK: You are a brave man, monsieur. I salute you! (HE KISSES HIM TWICE ON EACH CHEEK) (FRENCH GIBBERISH, IN SALUTE) La belle France salutes you. Here. A cigarette.

GK: I don't smoke.

TK: You don't smoke?

GK: I don't smoke.

TK: How can you not smoke?

GK: I don't smoke.

TK: Are you celibate too?

GK: No.

TK: Do you make love to your wife?

GK: Yes.

TK: How can you make love if you don't have a cigarette afterwards?

GK: We just do the best we can.

TK: Americans. (FRENCH WEARINESS) No wonder you're afraid of death, you don't know how to live. Ah well. I'll smoke it for you. (LIGHT MATCH. INHALE. LONG EXHALE. COUGH) Excellent. ---- What with the boeuf? Potatoes?

GK: Yes, the long thin fried potatoes. Sort of square-shaped. Fried nice and brown.

TK: Oui, monsieur. And wine?

GK: Yes, please.

TK: What kind?

GK: I don't care. What do you have?

TK: Everything. What do you want?

GK: It doesn't matter. Anything. A red wine.

TK: Of course, what kind? ----

GK: You choose.

TK: Just tell me what you want.

GK: Something appropriate.

TK: It's up to you, monsieur. It makes no difference to me.

GK: Please. You choose something.

TK: I don't know what you like, monsieur.

GK: How about a Pinot Noir?

TK: PINOT NOIR? THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS PINOT NOIR!!! EH? WHERE IS THE PINOT NOIR? IS THERE A REGION OF FRANCE CALLED PINOT NOIR?? PINOT NOIR IS FROM OREGON, MONSIEUR. IT'S MADE FROM WOOD CHIPS. (PFFFFFFFFFF)

GK: Okay, Burgundy.

TK: BURGUNDY WITH A VERY RARE BOEUF?

GK: How about a Cabernet?

TK: THERE IS NO SUCH PLACE AS CABERNET! IT'S NOT FRENCH. ARE WE IN CALIFORNIA? IS MY NAME BRENT?

GK: A Bordeaux then

TK: That is better.

GK: Your best Bordeaux.

TK: You want the best?

GK: Please.

TK: It's very expensive.

GK: Please. And bring two glasses.

TK: Two?

GK: Please.

TK: Pour moi???

GK: Please. Join me.

TK: With pleasure, monsieur. (CORKSCREW. POP CORK) (LONG POUR) And for you, monsieur. (SHORT POUR)

GK: Here's to spring, Maurice. Vive l'amour. Viva printemp.

TK: You're not sure you're going to the Prom?

GK: Here's to love. (CLINK) A message from the Cafe Boeuf. The home of good eaters, of heroism, of passion, of (KNOWING FRENCH LAUGH)???? (PLAYOFF)

(c) 2001 by Garrison Keillor