(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith)
(GUY NOIR THEME & GK SINGS)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high above the empty streets, on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye --- (PIANO)
GK: It was a cold day in February, a day when your face hurts when you walk outdoors and you can't wait to get to where you're going, even if it's the dentist's. My dentist is a retired Marine Corps guy, Captain Schrupps.
TK (SGT): You won't be needing any Novocain for this, will you? Big strong man like yourself? (
GK MURMURS. DRILL. THEN HIGH SPEED) (MUSIC)
GK: When it was done I felt like I'd been in a head-on crash with something. TK (SGT): There you go. Take an aspirin. (MUSIC)
GK: I walked back to the office, thinking maybe there's a home somewhere I could check into for a week, a Home for Pantywaists, where you lie in bed and large women with nurturing eyes come and read you The Wind In The Willows and give you hot toast and chamomile tea. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) I got back to my office and I went to the file drawer where I keep the anesthetic and (KNOCKS ON DOOR) ---- Yeah! Be there in a sec. (GULPS) (BOTTLE BACK IN DRAWER, DRAWER CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS. DOOR OPEN) Yeah? Oh. Right. (SEXY SAX) Come in. ---- It was Captain Schrupps's dental hygienist, Allison. To say she is beautiful, is like saying Puccini was a songwriter. She has a look about her that just takes the plaque right off your teeth. (FOOTSTEPS, AND STOP)
SS: Mr. Noir?
GK: Allison. Good to see you.
SS: You forgot something at the office, Mr. Noir.
GK: I did? Oh, that. Thanks.
SS: Is this some sort of cologne?
GK: Sort of. Yes. (MUSIC) It was a bottle of Hypno-Tonic, which I'd just sent for from a mail-order house in Reading, PA. A fragrance loaded with pheromones guaranteed to render women helpless within minutes, ready to obey your every command.
SS: I thought you might need it. ----Is something wrong, Mr. Noir? You've turned pale.
GK: No, it's nothing. A guy sits here alone with his dust bunnies and suddenly a gorgeous woman walks in, it takes a moment to decompress, you know?
SS: Maybe you should sit down.
GK: Yes. Maybe I should. I forget your last name, Allison.
SS: It's Wonderland, Mr. Noir.
GK: Of course. How long have you been working for Dr. Schrupps, Allison?
SS: Three years.
GK: Three years of flossing and scraping and applying the fluoride.
SS: I feel so strongly about oral hygiene.
GK: What a coincidence. I share that commitment.
SS: I feel that a person's mouth says so much about him.
GK: I'm sure you're right, Allison. What are your feelings about my mouth?
SS: About your mouth?
GK: Yes. Be brutally frank.
SS: I feel that you're doing about as good a job as you possibly can do.
GK: I try.
SS: I broke up with my boyfriend because he didn't try.
GK: It's hard to imagine a man not trying, where you're concerned, Allison.
SS: He was very lax about brushing. His gums were starting to recede ---- I couldn't bear to watch.
GK: What a pity.
SS: I loved him, I waited two years for him to ask me to marry him.
GK: Allison, any man who couldn't decide to marry you in two minutes is a man with the brains of a boxful of hammers.
SS: I don't know what was wrong.
GK: Allison---- (TWO SPRITZES) Listen to me, my darling.
SS: Why do you put on so much cologne?
GK: That man is gone. You needed him like you needed a concrete parachute. Come. I've got a new credit card. Ten-thousand dollar limit. We'll take it to Rome. Tonight. You and me. What do you say?
SS: I can't. I've had my heart broken so many times, I can hear it jingle when I walk.
GK: Please. Give it a chance. Put your head on my shoulder.
SS: Love is too cruel. Every April, flowers bloom and I start to almost believe in it again. I've decided to move to the north of Alaska. Up to the land of permafrost.
GK: Please. Don't. Put your head on my shoulder.
SS: What has love ever brought me but a wounded heart?
GK: You care so much you don't dare show how much you care!
SS: I'm beyond caring.
GK: That only shows how much you care, and that's why I care, because you care ---- put your head on my shoulder ---
SS: There's no one for me.
GK: Just relax. Take a deep breath. (SPRITZES)
SS: No, Mr. Noir, I've come to the conclusion that men are like parking spaces. All the good ones are taken and all that's left are the handicapped.
GK: Just relax. Take a deep breath. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Just a minute!
SS: I've got to run. (DOOR OPEN) Excuse me----
GK: Allison???? (HER RUNNING FOOTSTEPS FADE) Allison?----
TR: Excuse me. Are you Mr. Noir?
GK: Allison????
TR: She seems to have left, sir.
GK: Who are you?
TR: The name's Mungus, sir. Hugh Mungus. Here's my card.
GK: "Hugh Mungus Knick-Knacks and Bric-a-Brac...We Buy and Sell Gew-gaws, Trifles, Trinkets, Baubles, and Folderol."
GK: Come in. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE) Sorry, I'm a little distracted. A girl who was just about to become my girlfriend decided to not be my girlfriend. Anyway. What can I do for you, sir?
TR: I deal in trifles, Mr. Noir. And now the big boys are leaning on me. I need some muscle.
GK: What big boys?
TR: The Lutheran Mafia, Mr. Noir.
GK: Oh, those boys.
TR: What they call The Brotherhood.
GK: Right, right.
TR: They're moving in on the used coffee can business.
GK: Why are you standing so close to me, Mr. Mungus?
TR: Am I standing too close? I'm sorry.
GK: I didn't know used coffee cans were a business.
TR: They've become rare now that everybody is buying bags of coffee beans.
GK: I see. Don't stand so close to me.
TR: Sorry. ---- Canned coffee is a thing of the past. It's all bags now. But you can't store your old bolts and nuts and screws and nails in coffee bags. You need coffee cans. So coffee cans are getting a high price.
GK: Mr. Mungus, don't put your head on my shoulder.
TR: Do you mind?
GK: I'd rather you didn't.
TR: There's something about you, Mr. Noir.
GK: What?
TR: Something about you I find ----rather attractive.
GK: Mr. Mungus, I don't even know you.
TR: Would you mind putting your arms around me and giving me a big hug?
GK: Oh, please.
TR: I mean, what's wrong with that? (MUSIC)
GK: I managed to get him out of my office and I called Dr. Schrupps' office trying to get hold of Allison but I only got the answering machine.
TK (ON TAPE): This is Dr. Schrupps. Leave your name at the sound of the gunshot. (GUNSHOT) (BRIDGE)
GK: I didn't leave my name. I headed over to the Five Spot instead. (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): Oh, hiya, Guy. How's it going?
GK: About the same, Jimmy. Unfortunately. And you?
TR (JIMMY): Can't complain. Something wrong?
GK: Thinking about heading for California, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): Winter getting to you?
GK: No, I just feel like changing the channel. Maybe get me a mobile home down by the beach, like Rockford. Couple of palm trees overhead. Nice pair of shades and a tropical shirt. Sit in an outdoor joint and sip a cold one and then I hear a voice like coconut oil say, "Mr. Noir." And I look up and it's her.
TR (JIMMY): Who?
GK: I don't know. But she comes into my arms like a pat of butter on warm toast. She's crazy about me. And my cologne.
TR (JIMMY): Actually you are rather attractive.
GK: Bring me a Martini, Jimmy.
TR (JIMMY): If I do, will you give me a hug?
GK: Let's not go there, okay? (THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, but one guy is still trying to find the answers, Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)
(c) 2001 by Garrison Keillor