(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith)
GK: Our show is brought to you by the Cafe Boeuf with your host, Maurice the maitre'd. Bonjour, Maurice.
TK: What did you say?
GK: Never mind.
TK: Something about insurance?
GK: It was nothing. What are your specials tonight, Maurice?
TK: Tonight we have the (FRENCH GIBBERISH) and we have the (GIBBERISH) and finally we have the (GIBBERISH) ---- (FRENCH DELIGHT, LIP SMACKING, CHUCKLES).
GK: Sounds lovely. I think I'd like the---- (HE REPEATS ONE).
TK: You want me to pick you up at the bus station?
GK: No, no...
TK: You and my wife?
GK: No, no...
TK: What are you doing in the bus station with my wife, monsieur?
GK: I didn't say that, I said, (HE TRIES AGAIN)....
TK: That's even worse. Now you say that my brother is involved and that he has eaten my shoe?
GK: I'm sorry, my accent is poor.
TK: And that I have an onion up my nose?
GK: Maurice---- please.
TK: And my dog passes gas?
GK: Maurice, what was the second special you mentioned?
TK: The second one? It was (HE REPEATS THE SECOND).
GK: Give me that.
TK: Why did you not say so, monsieur?
GK: What is it, by the way?
TK: Do you want to know?
GK: Does it involve the internal organs of large animals?
TK: Oui, monsieur.
GK: Then I don't want to know. Put extra sauce on it, okay?
TK: Tres bien.
GK: And potatoes on the side.
TK: Oui, monsieur.
GK: French fried potatoes.
TK: Monsieur----
GK: Yes----
TK: Monsieur, all of the potatoes are French potatoes---no?
GK: Yes----
TK: If we boil them, they are French, and if we mash them, they are French, and if we fry them, they are French. All of the potatoes are French. This is assumed. They do not need your recognition in order to be French, they are well aware of it themselves.
GK: I'm sure.
TK: You wish fried potatoes?----
GK: Yes, please. And a vegetable?
TK: Which vegetable?
GK: I don't care. Whatever you have.
TK: What do you want?
GK: It doesn't matter. Brussels sprouts.
TK: We're out of those.----
GK: Carrots.
TK: No carrots. (DISMISSIVE FRENCH)
GK: Cauliflower.
TK: Non, non, non....not with (SPECIAL). It would be an insult.
GK: Spinach.
TK: No good this time of year. (DISDAINFUL FRENCH)
GK: Artichokes.
TK: I don't want to watch you try to eat them.
GK: Beets.
TK: No, no, no.
GK: How about parsnips, or rutabaga?
TK: Monsieur, be serious.
GK: Asparagus?
TK: (DISDAINFUL FRENCH)
GK: Onions?
TK: You want onions? Onions with potatoes? is this a German restaurant? eh?? is my name Heinrich?? is it? am I wearing lederhosen, my friend? is this a tuba in my hand??? is it???
GK: Sorry. How about corn?
TK: Out of season.
GK: Kohlrabi.
TK: (FRENCH DISGUST)
GK: Sorry. Maybe some kind of---- okra?
TK: Never heard of it.
GK: How about--- beans?
TK: Beans? No, not with (SPECIAL).
GK: Or squash.
TK: Squash is not French, monsieur.
GK: How about----
TK: How about peas, monsieur?
GK: Fine.
TK: Peas, then?
GK: Peas are fine.
TK: Are you sure?
GK: Of course.
TK: I don't want to push you into this choice.
GK: It's fine. Peas.
TK: If there's something you'd rather have, just say.
GK: Peas are fine.
TK: I don't wish to coerce you.
GK: I want peas.
TK: Very well. Peas it is then. I'll be right back. (FOOTSTEPS OFF)
GK: A message from the Cafe Boeuf. Even here on the frozen tundra, the spirit of La Belle France lives on at the Cafe Boeuf. (KNOWING FRENCH LAUGH)???? (PLAYOFF)
(c) 2001 by Garrison Keillor