(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith)
Tonight you're to my liking
I'm crazy 'bout the Vikings
Tonight I pray that you'll go all the way
But can you do it tomorrow
I've followed you the whole year
Is this a Super Bowl year?
Should I tune in or should I turn away?
Do I dare view it tomorrow?
It's cold here on the tundra
The ice and snow are awfully rough
So everybody's wonderin
Are we champs or are we cream puffs----
Tonight my brow is sweaty,
We've lost four times already
I'd like to think this time you'll make it in
But can you do it tomorrow?
(PIANO)
GK: We don't talk much about football on the show because you're public radio people so of course you have no interest in football.
TR (RICH GUY, TIGHT JAW): I went out birding on Sunday afternoon and the streets were absolutely deserted. What's going on?
GK: But we have to talk about it now because the Minnesota Vikings, the cornerstone of all we hold dear, are in the NFC playoff against the New Jersey Giants tomorrow, the winner to go to the Super Bowl, and today every Minnesotan is trying not to talk about the game.
TR: So what you up to tomorrow?TK Tomorrow? Sunday?
TR: Yeah.
TK: Stay home, I guess. How about you?
TR: Yeah. The same. Probably go to church in the morning. Sit around in the afternoon.
(PAUSE)
TK: You gonna watch the game?
TR: What game? Oh, the Vikings. I donno. I suppose I'll tune in part of it. How about you?
TK: My wife told me if I watch any more football this season, she's leaving me.
TR: Too bad.
TK: Yeah. I'm gonna miss her. You having anybody over?
TR: No.
TK: Me neither.
TR: I want to be alone. Wear my purple shirt and purple hat and hold the pennant and---- just be alone.
TK: Yeah.
TR: What you going to wear tomorrow?
TK: Me? Depends.
TR: You're that excited, huh? (BRIDGE)
GK: Churches tomorrow morning will be packed and the Old Testament reading will be from Ecclesiastes.
TR (MINISTER): And the race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but he whom the Lord God shall give possession of the ball, verily he shall prosper.
GK: And during the offertory (ORGAN, QUIET), as the ushers take up the collection, people will be more generous than usual ---- (SHEEP) thousands of head of livestock will be brought to church and first-born sons---
TK (TEEN): Hi, pastor. My dad is giving me up for the playoff.
GK: They're saving their first-born daughters for the Super Bowl----
SS (TEEN): If the Vikings like win tomorrow, I am supposed to like go into a convent or something. Eeeuuuuuu.
GK: Why is the fate of our team so important? That's a theological question, and here's Lutheran theologian Soren Kierkegaard to explain why. (TR SWEDISH) He says it's nothing you could understand if you're not from here. (MORE SWEDISH) He says he strives to come to a spiritual state where it doesn't matter if we win or lose. (SWEDISH ENDING IN "north dakota") But that state is not Minnesota. ----- What will happen if the Vikings lose? Viking fan Jack Armstrong.
TK (SGT): I don't like to use the word "losing" because it carries so many negative connotations of being a wimp and a wuss and a pansy. I prefer to think of losing as an opportunity --- a chance for Viking fans, guys like myself, to get outside our gender roles and experiment with cross-dressing and using eye shadow. (BRIDGE)
GK: Many fans in preparation for the game have been visiting their dentist (DRILL), the old dentist above the drugstore, the one with the pulley-driven drill (DRILL ON HIGH) and getting caught up on fillings and also having their wisdom teeth pulled (MOUTH OPEN, MOUNTING DREAD, AND INCREASING CRACKING AND CRUNCHING). Many Viking fans have gotten out their hairshirts and whips and their couch of nails to watch the game on. (TR LITTLE CRIES OF PAIN, SITTING DOWN). And others have gone into therapy. (BRIDGE)
SS (THERAPIST): We only have a few minutes left ----- I'd like to go back to what you were saying about feeling personally responsible for the loss to Atlanta in '98 ----
TR: Well, just when the Vikes were about to go for the field goal, I got up and left the room. And I took my hand off the wax fruit.
SS: And you feel that your taking your hand off the wax fruit caused the kick to go wide?
TR: As long as I kept my hand on the fruit, they were doing great.
SS: But you had to go to the bathroom.
TR: I could've waited.
SS: You should've stayed and wet your pants? You really think so?
TR: Depends. (BRIDGE)
GK: Living out here on the frozen tundra (BLIZZARD), facing another six months of serious weather (CAR STARTING ATTEMPT), facing isolation and loneliness and deprivation in our sod huts and the inevitable cases of derangement----
TR (GEEZER): (RAVING) I can't stand it! I'm making a run for it! Give me the car keys! Or I'll shoot!
SS (OLD LADY): Sit down before you pull out your catheter tube, ya big dummy. And put down the remote. I'm watchin this show.
GK: With all that we're up against here on the tundra, trying to get our cars to move (SPINNING TIRES), trying to keep our houses warm ---- (SPLINTERING OF WOOD, CRUNCHING)---
SS: The dining room table????
TR: We've gotta burn it.
GK: Keeping our houses warm and trying to keep animals out of them----- (LOW WOLFISH SNARL)---
SS: HONEY, THERE'S A WOLF IN THE KITCHEN.----
GK: With all of the adversities of winter, not to mention the difficulty of trying to maintain An intellectual life in a Scandinavian-dominated society---
SS (FARGO): Well, now what is that supposed to mean, huh? What are you saying, that just because we're Swedish, we're not bright? Where do you get off saying a thing like that? What makes you think you're so smart? Huh? I don't think you're as smart as you think you are. No, sir.
GK: With winter, and wolves, and Scandinavians, and food with melted cheese on it, and the rest of the country making fun of us-----
TR (RICH GUY): Minnesota. Right. You've got that governor up there, right. The egghead.
GK: With everything against us and more things going wrong every day----
TR (FARGO): I hate to say it but there are frogs dropping out of the sky, millions of them.
SS (FARGO): Oh boy, it's just one thing after another, isn't it?
GK: With winter and low self-esteem and Scandinavians and the governor and the melted cheese and everything, we desperately desperately desperately need to win that game tomorrow. Please. Please. (SLOW FOOTSTEPS IN HALL, OPEN DOOR, CLOSE.) (REVERB)
TR: God?
SS: Yes?
TR: Oh my God.
SS: What is it?
TR: Are you really? (LIGHTNING, THUNDER) Okay. Okay.
SS: You want the earthquake too?
TR: Nope. Nope.
SS: You came to see me about the game tomorrow, right?
TR: Yes, I did.
SS: I rest on Sunday, you know.
TR: Oh.
SS: And besides, I've been approached by a lot of Giants fans, too. I want to be fair.
TR: Of course. But they've got a lot of things we don't have. We really need this. We've lost the Super Bowl four times. Four times, God! Please. Please.
SS: I'll consider it.
TR: Thank you.
SS: On two conditions.
TR: What are they?
SS: You give up sex for the rest of the year...and you give up fishing.
TR: How about ice fishing?
SS: No.
TR: How about if I just don't use bait?
SS: No fishing.
TR: How about if I have my wife hold the pole and I just bait the hook?
SS: No fishing.
TR: Could I just ---- cast once in awhile? (BRIDGE)
GK: Our Vikings take the field tomorrow against the New Jersey Giants. We're ready. We're not thinking about it, we're not talking about it. We're ready. We know that this is the state that produced the man that gave the world Charlie Brown but this time we think we're really going to make it.
TR: Chips and dip and nachos?
TK: Chips and dip and nachos.
TR: Beer?
TK: Beer.
TR: Little cheesy things?
TK: Got the cheesy things.
TR: Women and children?
TK: They've all been evacuated. The house is cleared.
TR: Halftime pizza?
TK: One pepperoni, one sausage.
TR: Antenna.
TK: Tested and tuned.
TR: Recliner chairs?
TK: Tested.
TR: Then I guess there's nothing to do but go ahead with it, Lieutenant.
TK: Yes, sir.
TR: A whole state ---- our future is riding on this, Lieutenant. (HEROIC MUSIC STARTS, BUILDING SLOWLY) Moms and dads and little freckle-faced kids and Gramps and Grandma. Folks on the farms and in the towns and the metro area. Everything comes down to eleven guys and what they can do. Guys in purple uniforms with horns on the sides of their helmets ---- if they win, then maybe---- just maybe ---- we can hang on here for awhile. And if they lose----
TK: Sir?
TR: If they lose, then everything we hold dear goes down in utter shame and defeat and the world enters a dark and terrifying age.
TK: They'll win, sir.
TR: Of course they'll win.
TK: They're going to win, sir.
TR: (BREAKS DOWN) I don't know. Sometimes I just don't know. (TWO CRISP SLAPS) Thank you, Lieutenant. I needed that.
TK: Ready, sir?
TR: Ready, Lieutenant.
TK: Shall I turn on the television?
TR: Yes. Bring it on, Giants! You want some, it's right here! Bring it on!
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor