(GK: Garrison Keillor, TR: Tim Russell, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, CK: Charles Keating)
GK: Our sound effects man, Mr. Tom Keith, does our show as a hobby on weekends, but at one time, he was a highly-paid professional in the movie business. A sound man. The man holding the long boom mike and recording the actors' dialogue while keeping the mike out of the shot and then, one day, during the filming of "The Young and The Wild and The Scantily Clad," Tom came to work with a bad cold------
TR (DIRECTOR): Okay. Let's try again, people. Close-up walking shot, they're on the street in front of Brent's apartment building ---- let's do it. Quiet on the sound stage! Lights!
TR (OFF): Jahwohl.
TR (DIRECTOR): Sound!
TK: Yo!
TR (DIRECTOR): Camera!
TR (SWEDISH, OFF)
TR (DIRECTOR): And----- action! (FOOTSTEPS, SLOW, MAN AND WOMAN)
SS: I do trust you, Brent. Of course I trust you. Everything we have is based on trust.
CK: Then stay with me tonight. (FOOTSTEPS STOP) I leave for Beirut in the morning. Who knows what could happen? (A BIG PHLEGMY COUGH, OFF)
TR (DIRECTOR): Cut! Cut! Where'd that come from? Who coughed?
TK: Sorry, sir ----- it was just a ---- little throat irritation----
TR (DIRECTOR): Well, drink a glass of water or something.
TK: I'm all right, sir. I'm terribly sorry. I'm fine.
TR (DIRECTOR): Quiet on the sound stage! All quiet, please. Lights!
TR (OFF): Jahwohl.
TR (DIRECTOR): Sound!
TK: Yes, sir!
TR (DIRECTOR): Camera!
TR (SWEDISH, OFF)
TR (DIRECTOR): And ------action! (FOOTSTEPS,SLOW, MAN AND WOMAN)
SS: I do trust you, Brent. Of course I trust you. Everything we have is based on trust.
CK: Then stay with me tonight.(FOOTSTEPS STOP) I leave for Beirut in the morning. Who knows what could happen?
SS: Everything is going to be wonderful for us, Brent. (A SMALL DRY COUGH)
TR (DIRECTOR): Cut! Cut! (FOOTSTEPS) What is wrong with you?
TK: I'm fine, sir. I'm sorry. It just slipped out.
TR (DIRECTOR): Sound men do not cough. Okay? We've got cough drops. Use them.
TK: I'm okay, sir. I'm terribly embarrassed. Please. It won't happen again.
TR (DIRECTOR): Okay. It better not. Quiet on the sound stage! Everybody quiet! Okay? Silence? -----Lights!
TR (OFF): Jahwohl.
TR (DIRECTOR): Sound!
TK: Sound!
TR (DIRECTOR): Camera!
TR (SWEDISH, OFF)
TR (DIRECTOR): And action! (FOOTSTEPS, SLOW, MAN AND WOMAN)
SS: I do trust you, Brent. Of course I trust you. Everything we have is based on trust.
CK: Then stay with me tonight.(FOOTSTEPS STOP) I leave for Beirut in the morning. Who knows what could happen?
SS: Everything is going to be wonderful for us, Brad.
TR (DIRECTOR): Cut! Cut! (FOOTSTEPS)
SS: I'm sorry. My mistake. Brent! I meant to say Brent.
TR (DIRECTOR): This is our second day on this scene, people! Two days trying to get four simple lines of dialogue! At this rate, we'll finish shooting in four years! Come on! Work with me, people!
SS: I was anticipating his cough. It threw me off.
TR (DIRECTOR): Try! That's all I'm asking! Focus! This is not that hard! Let's do it. (FOOTSTEPS) Quiet on the sound stage! I want absolute silence. Lights!
TR (OFF): Jahwohl.
TR (DIRECTOR): Sound!
TK: Yes, sir!
TR (DIRECTOR): Camera!
TR (SWEDISH, OFF)
TR (DIRECTOR): And ------action! (FOOTSTEPS, SLOW, MAN AND WOMAN)
SS: I do trust you, Brent. Of course I trust you. Everything we have is based on trust.
CK: Then stay with me tonight. (FOOTSTEPS STOP) I leave for Butte in the morning. Who knows what could happen? ---- Oh my god. What did I say?
TR (DIRECTOR): Cut! (FOOTSTEPS) People----- please. I'm on my knees. I'm begging.
CK: I'm sorry. I've completely lost my concentration. Could we take a break? Fifteen minutes?
TR (DIRECTOR): We just started----- please.
CK: If I could just walk around and try to get back into character----- it's all slipped away from me------
SS: No, it hasn't. I love what you're doing. I feel it, more and more forcefully, every time------ it's there. Trust me. It's there.
CK: Okay. One more go-----
TR (DIRECTOR): That's the spirit. (FOOTSTEPS)
CK: (TO HIMSELF): I leave for Beirut in the morning. Beirut. Beirut. Beirut.
TR (DIRECTOR): Quiet on the sound stage! Thank you! Lights!
TR (OFF): Jahwohl.
TR (DIRECTOR): Sound!
TK: Sound!
TR (DIRECTOR): Camera!
TR (SWEDISH, OFF)
TR (DIRECTOR): And ------action! (FOOTSTEPS, SLOW, MAN AND WOMAN)
SS: I do trust you, Brent. Of course I trust you. Everything we have is based on trust.
CK: Then stay with me tonight. (FOOTSTEPS STOP) I leave for Beirut in the morning. Who knows what could happen? (PAUSE. LONG SNEEZE BUILD AND EXPLODE) (GLASS BREAKAGE. TR SHOUTING IN SWEDISH) (BRIDGE)
GK: And that was when Tom Keith had to leave the movie business and come into radio, which is his hobby, and he enjoys it ----(CHOPPER APPROACH) he enjoys doing helicopters coming in low over the trees and guys in it shooting guns (CHOPPER GOES BY FAST, GUNFIRE) --- and the chopper getting hit with rocket fire (ROCKET, BIG EXPLOSION) and he enjoys doing dogs (DOG), and camels (SFX), and elephants (SFX), and bison (SFX), and caribou (SFX), and wapiti (SFX), and elk (TK: Hi Fred, I'm Bob. Welcome.), but every night when he goes to bed, in the dark, in those last minutes before sleep, he relives that moment when his career took the sharp dip-----
SS (ECHO): I do trust you, Brent. Of course I trust you. Everything we have is based on trust.
TK: Then stay with me tonight. I leave for Beirut in the morning. Who knows what could happen? (COUGH) (BIG BAND PLAYOFF)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor