(GK: Garrison Keillor, TK: Tom Keith, AP: Alice Playten, AHC: Ann Hampton Callaway)
...brought to you by the American Duct Tape Council.
GK: He was the top sound effects man in radio. Famous for his one-man recreations of the Normandy invasion (GUNFIRE. CRIES OF TROOPS. EXPLOSIONS OF ARTILLERY. PLANE STRAFING, MACHINE GUNS BLAZING, SERIES OF EXPLOSIONS) and the Charge of the Light Brigade (GUNFIRE, HORSES, CANNONS, CHAOS) and the first flight of the Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk (ENGINE TAKING OFF, WHEEZING, FLYING, COUGHING, REVVING UP, PASSING) and the sinking of the Bismarck (BOAT HORN, BIG EXPLOSION, WATER BURSTING HULL, CRIES OF ALARM) and when he came to New York he was besieged by offers from big producers...
AP: We're reviving the musical, Dr. Doolittle. And we want you to do the animals.
TK: Sorry. Maybe some other time.
AP: Want you to do The Lion King. Billing above the title. A percentage of the house. Saturdays off. And all the Raisinettes you can eat.
TK: Sorry. I'm kind of busy.
AP: We're doing a hip-hop version of Gone With The Wind. We want you in the title role.
TK: Sorry. Too busy.
GK: But of course that wasn't the real reason. The real reason was that Tom Keith was getting older and some sounds that used to be a piece of cake, like this one (ELEPHANT) ---- were getting harder to do, because he was losing his embouchure even though he did lip exercises before every show----- (LIP EXERCISES)---- still, in order to do these sounds right, he had to wear a strip of duct tape on his upper lip and it made him look like Adolf Hitler, (TK SHUDDER) never an asset for a stage performer---
AHC: Tom----- I care about you, but I can't love someone with a piece of black tape on his upper lip---- I'm sorry, Mein Fuhrer---- Auf wiedersehn.
TK: Goodbye, Angel. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY, DOOR SLAM) I never knew the price of artistry would be to become a social outcast. (HE SOBS)
GK: He lost friend after friend until his only pal was a chicken (CHICKEN FLURRY), a chicken named Chuck, (CHICKEN), a very intelligent chicken (CHICKEN CLUCKS), a chicken with opinions on a lot of different things (CHICKEN), and he owned his own car, a Plymouth Rock (CAR START. REVS UP), and they'd drive around (CAR SWERVE, CHICKEN CLUCKS), looking for chicks, and one night, there she was (BRAKES) She was tall, she was young, she was luminous, she was everything...
AP: Hi. I'm Chavonne. (HEARTBEAT) Who's the cute little guy next to you?
TK: This is Chuck.
AP: I was talking to the chicken.
GK: And right then Tom did a terrible thing. He threw the chicken out (CHICKEN FLURRY) and he slid behind the wheel ----
TK: Get in, babes.
AP: No problem. Cool. (CAR ACCEL)
GK: And off they went, and it was wonderful (SURF, GULLS), it was magic, it was music-----
AP: You are like totally awesome. You are so down with it. You're so flash, you're like ---- here. Like totally here.
GK: But every night, in his dreams (CHICKEN), Chuck was always there, bitter, resentful, accusing---- (CHICKEN) - and eventually when Chavonne went off her medications ----
AP: Why are you wearing that piece of black tape on your upper lip? I'm out of here.
GK: And then he made a simple discovery.
TK: Flesh-colored duct tape!
GK: Exactly. Flesh-colored duct tape.
TK: Duct tape comes in flesh tones!!! Flesh tones!
GK: And he could appear on stage again ---- doing the Normandy invasion (SFX), or the Charge of the Light Brigade (SFX), doing Dr. Doolittle (OWL, DOG, CAT, CHIMP), doing the sinking of the Titanic (CRIES, CHAOS, CRUNCHING, WATER) and he was a social outcast no longer----
AHC: Darling!!! You look wonderful!!!
GK: In the end all solutions are short-term, and duct tape did the trick. A message from the American Duct Tape council. (DUCKS)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor