(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: It was Leo Tolstoy who said, "Happy families are all alike. But each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." And that was sure true of Anna Karenina. She was like nobody else.
SS (RUSSIAN): I've never loved you, Karenin. Life with you is empty, unbearable! I hate you, I hate myself for marrying you. I'm leaving you for Count Vronsky!
TR (RUSSIAN): I'll ruin you, Anna Karenina! You'll never appear in another novel again!! I'll make sure of that.
GK: She went with Count Vronsky---
SS (RUSSIAN): Vronsky! I've thrown away everything for you! And now I'm pregnant with your child!
TR (RUSSIAN): (MUTTERED RUSSIAN) Yeesh! Well, what do you want me to do about it? So long, see you around.
SS (RUSSIAN): Please! Don't leave me!
TR: I have to go beat some serfs. And then go gambling and drinking with my insincere friends.
SS (RUSSIAN): You're leaving me! After I gave up everything for you??? How can you do it? (SHE WEEPS)
TR (RUSSIAN): Hey, I'm a heel, it's what we do. See you around. Bye. (SFX: DOOR CLOSE)
SS (RUSSIAN): (SOBS) What can I do? I guess I'll have to jump in front of that train. Or go to Minnesota. (BRIDGE)
GK: Yes, women in distress have always looked to Minnesota men for ballast in the storm. When flashy and brilliant and glitzy and glamorous don't work anymore, why not try steady-find a Minnesota man.
TR: Hi. I'm Bud. What is your name?
SS (RUSSIAN): I'm Anna Karenina, Bud.
TR: You're not from around here then, are you?
SS (RUSSIAN): I'm from Moscow and I've come to find a good man, someone who isn't a jerk.
TR: Okay. Real good. Let's go to a cafe or something. You hungry?
SS (RUSSIAN): Yes, but don't break my heart.
TR: Okay. Take it easy. You want to go for lunch or just coffee ---- I already had lunch but I could have a bite if you twisted my arm---- the cinnamon rolls are really good over at Mom's Cafe-----
SS (RUSSIAN): Bud, listen to me. You break my heart, I'll throw myself under that train! (SFX: TRAIN WHISTLE)
TR: That ain't a train, lady. That's the noon whistle.
GK: There's lots of good men in Minnesota-find one for yourself.
MEN:
We have some men
who are Minnesota men
and we may not say all that much
We seldom dance and we're slow in romance
And our hands may be cold to the touch-
But if you would like a man who's loyal through and through
Then a steady friendly Minnesota man's for you.