(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(MUSIC)
Our sound-effects man, Mr. Tom Keith, is not a big city kind of a guy.
TK: Darn right.
GK: He lives on his farm in western Minnesota where he trains seeing-eye chickens (CHICKEN GUIDING) and he trains sheep to work in day care centers (SHEEP) and he lives there with the wonder dog Tony (WOOFS) who Tom trained to dial a rotary telephone (DOG PANTING, JINGLE OF COLLAR, DIALING) ---- he's the only dog in the world who does that -----
TK: The only one.
GK: It's quiet in western Minnesota and Tom doesn't appreciate the noise (SIREN) in New York, and the traffic (HORNS), and the pollution (WHEEZE AND COUGH), but more than that, Tom is bitter about the dumb sorts of things we have him do on the show.
TK: I get so sick of doing the giant bird flying down and pecking at the guy's liver. Every week I do that! Come on! Give me a break! Every time the writers on this show write themselves into a corner, they chain a guy to a rock and have a giant bird peck his liver out! I mean, get a life!
GK: Tom's resentment has really festered over the years.
TK: If it's not a giant bird, then it's a helicopter piloted by an elk! Some dumb thing! Flatulence! I have done flatulence on this show until it's coming out my ears!!!! (OFF) I CAN'T STAND IT ANY LONGER!!! (GLASS BREAKAGE)
GK: Tom feels he's an actor ----
TK: I have more to give than flatulence!
GK: Tom is a serious artist----
TK: I go to public radio conferences to be in a panel discussion on how public radio builds a sense of community and makes a place for the arts and we come to the Q&A, and somebody's hand shoots up and they say, "Do the giant bird that pecks out the guy's liver". I'm too old for this! I'm almost forty years old, for crying out loud! I do not do flatulence? Okay? I don't do giant birds pecking out livers. Listen. I'll do it one more time. You can record this and from now on, use the recording, okay? Here goes. (TK GIANT BIRD FLIES IN. MAN'S ANXIETY. GIANT BIRD CLUCKING TO ITSELF, RUSTLING WINGS. MAN'S GROWING FEAR. GIANT BIRD SHRIEKS. WING FLAPS. MAN'S SCREAM OF PAIN. RIPPING OF INTESTINE) Okay? There it is. Don't ever ask me to do it again.
GK: Tom has tried to quit the show repeatedly by making exorbitant salary demands but we've met all those demands. And that's why the pledge periods on "A Prairie Home Companion" are so long during Membership Week.
TR (WEEPING, WHISPRING): Please. Call. Please. It's so easy. Please. Why aren't you calling? Why don't you care?
GK: It's all to raise money to pay Tom's salary.
TK: You couldn't PAY ME enough to do flatulence again! It's over! Hear me?? (WOOD CRUNCH)
GK: Tom's goal is to star on Broadway in a Sam Shepherd play. He has his eye on the part of The Drifter in "The Underwater Teenager".
TK: That part was written for me. The Drifter. That guy is me. "I'm about done with this town. (HAWK AND SPIT) Been to that Laundromat just about enough ---- sat in that all-night cafeteria and heard just about everything they have to say. Tired of the lemon meringue too. The graham cracker crust. It don't suit me no more. (DISTANT WHISTLE) One of these nights, Donie Mae, you're gonna see something get smaller and it's gonna be me."
GK: Tom knows that a lot of big-time Broadway producers and directors are in the audience here at Town Hall who would hire him in an instant to play The Drifter but----
TK: But what do they get to see me do on stage? Huh? (RASPBERRY) They see me do big birds. (BIRD SHRIEK)
GK: So Tom is bitter about the whole deal, even pulling down the big bucks he pulls down.
TK: "I'm about done with this show. (HAWK AND SPIT) Been doing that big bird just about enough. Been farting around here about as long as I care to."
GK: Tom's biggest fans are small children who line up outside the theater waiting to see him ----- (SS KID & TR KID: Hey, look! It's Tom! Hey, Tom, bark like a dog! Hey Tom can I have your autograph?) ---- and Tom can be a little bit abrupt with them----
TK: Outta my way! No autographs!! Don't have time!! No pictures!! (STUNNED KIDS) Leave me alone. (DOOR SLAM, LOCK).
GK: It's kind of a shock for the kiddoes, but that's how Tom feels. The only thing that cheers him up is when Tony the wonder dog dials that rotary phone out in western Minnesota and (PHONE RING) ----
TK: Yeah? Who is it?
TK (DOG): It's me, pal. Tony.
TK: Hi, Tony.
TK (DOG): How you feeling? You sound sorta down.
TK: Yeah, I am. Harold Prince came to the show tonight.
TK (DOG): Oh boy.
TK: He was here with Mike Nichols and Susan Stroman and Julie Taymor. All of em.
TK (DOG): Boy. Your big chance, huh?
TK: So what do you suppose I got to do on the show? Huh? Three guesses! (BIRD SHRIEK) They looked up at me like I was an idiot on a stick! After the show, I put on my Drifter outfit and dashed out to find them but they'd all gotten in a big limo. They were gone. (HE WEEPS) Gone.
TK (DOG): Sorry to hear it. Actually, the reason I called is ----- I called up my agent. Sheila. The bulldog. They want me for a movie. It's a Sam Shepherd movie. Called "Old Blue". They want me for the title part.
TK: Is there anything for me in it? They need a-----
TK (DOG): I gotta run, Tom. I'll call you when I get out there. (CLICK)
TK: (SOBBING) I taught that dog to dial a telephone. And now he's gone
GK: He and Tony had been through so much together. And now the dog had his big break. And Tom had nothing.
TK: "I'm about done with this town. (HAWK AND SPIT) Been to that Laundromat just about enough ---- sat in that all-night cafeteria and heard just about everything they have to say. Tired of the lemon meringue too. The graham cracker crust. It don't suit me no more. (DISTANT WHISTLE) One of these nights, Donie Mae, you're gonna see something get smaller and it's gonna be me."
GK: But Tom is a pro. It was time to go to work. (FOOTSTEPS) He left his dressing room (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) and he headed for the stage, to do whatever he had to do to bring a little happiness into the lives of you folks out there in the dark, and somehow he didn't notice the large shadow (BIRD CLUCK) and the little feathers on the floor and the drops of bird saliva until (BIRD SHRIEK)----- suddenly the bird was right on top of him (TK WRESTLING, BIRD SHRIEKING, WINGS FLAPPING) ----- and the bird got hold of Tom's jacket (TK APPREHENSION, BIRD SHRIEK) and the bird lifted him up (TK OFF HIS FEET, WINGS FLAPPING) and the bird carried him out an open window (WINGS) there on the 40th floor (TK HORROR) and luckily for Tom a helicopter was passing by (CHOPPER) and the bird was so surprised it broke wind (BIRD FART) and let go (TK FALLING) and only expert airmanship by the helicopter pilot (CHOPPER) managed to swoop down and toss out a net (SWISH) and snag Tom as he fell (BOING) and lower him gently to the ground (CHOPPER COMING TO LAND, SHUT OFF ROTOR) and as odd as it may seem, the pilot was a young elk (ELK). And of course Tom was tremendously grateful.
TK: I owe my life to you, pal. Here's a box of Oreos. (ELK)
GK: And that's the story of Tom in New York. Except for Renee. Did I mention Renee?
SS: Hi, Tom.
GK: That's Renee. The End. (PIANO FAST PLAYOFF)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor