(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: The 2000 election continues in extra innings -----Governor Bush, you're going to the U.S. Supreme Court to ask them to stop the recount in Florida. Why is that?
TR (BUSH): I just feel that to count more votes now is to diminish the value of the votes that were cast before. Those votes have already been cast and they were decisive. The people have spoken. So the time for speaking is over. The time for shutting up has begun. It's time for this country to unite now and I'm the one to unite behind because if it's not me, then we Republicans are going to have a pissing contest like you wouldn't believe.
GK: So you don't feel the country could unite behind Vice President Gore.
TR (BUSH): I could just about guarantee you it wouldn't.
GK: So you're going to go to court and fight this thing out for as long as it takes----
TR (BUSH): The moment I get the word that hell has frozen over, then I'll stop. And I told the Vice President that on Thursday.
GK: You spoke to him on Thursday?
TR (BUSH): Had him over for Thanksgiving. Him and Tipper.
GK: You spent Thanksgiving together?
TR (BUSH): Absolutely.
GK: Mr. Vice President?
TR (GORE): I feel that Thanksgiving is, first of all, a holiday, and I've always felt that a holiday is a time when we ought to put aside our differences and be able to sit down and break bread-----
GK: Okay. Okay. That's great. So this took place in Texas?
TR (BUSH): He and the missus flew down, had some turkey, we sat around and watched football, we played ping-pong, he flew home. Simple as that.
GK: And how did this escape the attention of the press?
TR (BUSH): Ha! You ever talk to the ones who been covering me? I'm smarter than half of them, let's put it that way.
GK: So was this a relaxed and pleasant Thanksgiving for the two of you?
TR (BUSH): It was easier than being with my in-laws.
GK: Mr. Vice President, what did the two of you talk about?
TR (GORE): We covered a number of areas of concern to millions of Americans, such as stuffing, for example. I feel that we can do better than last year's stuffing----
TR (BUSH): He brought a dish of stuffing that tasted like my pillow.
GK: You made this stuffing yourself, Mr. Vice President----
TR (GORE): It's an organic stuffing that combines the ethnic cuisines of Hispanic, African-American, Native American, Scandinavian, Yankee, and my own down-home Tennessee farm folks. It's vegetarian but it has a rich meaty flavor.
GK: What exactly was in the stuffing?
TR (GORE): It was a stuffing that combined wild rice and mushrooms and chopped celery and sage, and it included bread crumbs from bread baked by Mrs. Geraldine Duval of Flint, Michigan, who, under my plan for health care reform, would be paying $34 a month less----
GK: Okay. Okay. Got you. Thanks. So, Governor? What did you contribute to the dinner?
TR (BUSH): My staff baked a pie. I believe it was pumpkin. That's what they said.
GK: Okay.
TR (BUSH): And, since I am the rightful president-elect, I carved the turkey.
GK: And everybody was satisfied with their portion?
TR (BUSH): I didn't hear any complaints. Except from old Turtle Neck here. He claimed I didn't cut him enough dark meat.
GK: Mr. Vice President?
TR (GORE): (SIGH) I simply called for a recut. That's all.
GK: Well, it's great that you were able to sit down together......and after dinner you played ping-pong?
TR (BUSH): I felt pretty sure that those pictures of him playing touch football last week were staged, so I challenged him to a game of two-hand touch. And he challenged me to a spelling bee. So we split the difference and played ping-pong.
GK: And that was a friendly game?
TR (BUSH): I beat him 21-20 and he says, No, you gotta win by two. I said, Since when? He said, that's the rules. I said, Not in Kennebunkport it isn't. He said, Is so. I said, Is not. So we kept playing, and I served, and his return was long, but he said it hit the edge of the table, so we examined the ball for any sort of mark or dimple and he said he saw one, and anyway we got up to 141-140 and then he says, "This is best two out of three, right?" And I said, "Two out of three! I never agreed to that." He said, Did so. I said, Did not. Did so. Did not. So I guess we're gonna have to just keep on playing.
GK: Anyway, it's good to know the two of you are still talking to each other.
TR (GORE): I have been talking to him for six months now (SIGH).
GK: And good luck to both of you.
TR (BUSH): There's a new day coming in America and it's called the Bush administration. Yessir.
GK: Thanks to both of you.
(MUSIC OFF)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor