(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: The 2000 election has come down to the last weekend and it's still the closest presidential election since 1960 ----
TR (BUSH): John Kennedy and Nick Dixon.
GK: ---- that's right, and we'd like to thank the two candidates for taking time from their exhausting schedules to join us today on the show.
TR (GORE): I never feel tired when I'm working for middle-class Americans, somehow I always feel energized....
GK: Okay. And welcome to you, Governor Bush.
TR (BUSH): Thanks a bunch, and I'm proud to be here ---- I got a feeling that come Tuesday a new day is coming in America, the Bush administration. Yessir.
GK: The two of you have covered so many areas of interest to millions of Americans, the economy, education, Social Security, foreign policy----
TR (GORE): My opponent would take $1 trillion from Social Security and basically just throw it off a bridge into the river.....
GK: Let me just finish here, Mr. Vice-President----
TR (BUSH): The vice-president here wants to treat Social Security like it's some kind of federal program or something.
GK: Let me just ask a question here----
TR (BUSH): Like Washington is supposed to decide all these things. I trust people. He doesn't. He trusts Washington.
GK: Actually, the question I'd like to ask has to do with trust----
TR (GORE): The issue here is one of leadership, and facing challenges, and standing up to special interests--- why am I holding my hand way out here? Was I just making a gesture? --- I had my hand way out there. Am I smiling right now? It feels like I am but I'm not sure.
GK: The trust that I'm referring to----
TR (BUSH): I have the strangest feeling ---- I don't know any of these people. What happened to my staff? Karen? Karl?
GK: The trust I'm referring to, gentlemen, is your trust that the coffee we gave you in the green room was only coffee, your trust that it didn't contain anything else, such as a powerful prescription drug that relaxes you so that you say exactly what you're thinking.
TR (GORE): I haven't felt this good since Tipper and I went to Cozumel a year ago February. Boy. That was some time, let me tell you.
TR (BUSH): This feels a lot like what I used to do more than twenty-five years ago.
GK: You like this feeling, Governor?
TR (BUSH): Man, with prescription drugs like this, we wouldn't need Social Security.
TR (GORE): I feel like a trillion dollars.
GK: Now that you're both relaxed, I'd like to ask how you feel the campaign is going so far---- Mr. Gore----
TR (GORE): This is an easy question. Why can't I answer it naturally? Just say what I think. What happened to my spontaneity? That week with Tipper I just let myself go. Over the moon. What's wrong?
GK: Many people have been wondering about that, Mr. Vice President----
TR (GORE): Why can't I relax and be myself and speak from the heart? Why am I losing to this nincompoop?
GK: Do you feel bad about your campaign?
TR (GORE): I got consultants earning $100 an hour to tell me what color socks to wear. They're still debating what the message should be. I mean, it's November, and my campaign people're talking about the sun, the moon, about clouds. They've looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down and still somehow, they really don't know clouds at all.
TR (BUSH): I believe John Mitchell wrote that song.
GK: So you feel badly-managed, Mr. Vice-President?
TR (GORE): "Love Story" was based on me, the character of Oliver ---- that was me ---- a romantic guy. How did I become this tiny drone? Why can't I kick this guy's butt? I'd really like to use bad language right now----
GK: What sort of bad language----
TR (GORE): Potty language. Like what he said into the microphone that time. Dumbo here.
GK: Governor Bush, how do you feel about your campaign?
TR (BUSH): Why is everybody looking at me like that?
GK: How do you feel about your campaign?
TR (BUSH): Did I do something wrong? Why is the teleprompter ---- it's blank. Oh. I got my face on the table. There. Better. Hi. How are you all doing? Good to be here. Where am I?
GK: Governor, do you feel you're qualified to be president of the United States?
TR (BUSH): Compared to who? My dad? Big George? Are you kidding? Whoa. Great human being, but---- bright? A great orator? I don't think so.
GK: So you feel you're qualified?
TR (BUSH): I forget what the answer to that is, but I got one, believe me. Got a good answer for that one and anything else you got, big boy. Throw em at me, peckerwood. Go ahead. Fire away. You think I'm dumb? Hey. Give it your best shot. I can take you. Ask me anything.
GK: Do you feel you've put your message across, Governor?
TR (BUSH): I'll put a message right across your face, you don't watch out, Mr. Smart Pants.
GK: Mr. Vice President, do you feel you've gotten your message across?
TR (GORE): I'm going to be a new Al, from now on. A real Al. A funky Al.
GK: What's the message you're trying to get across?
TR (GORE): I feel that when you're weary and you're feelin small, when tears are in your eyes, I'll dry them all. I'm on your side. Oh, when times get rough, and friends just can't be found, I will comfort you, I'll take your part when darkness comes and pain is all around and I'll put Social Security in a strong box and ---- let's talk about schools---- let's talk about investing in the future----
TR (BUSH): Boy, I just felt a whole bunch of fresh air go through my pants---- are my barn doors open?
GK: Mr. Vice-President, you've questioned the governor's qualifications----
TR (GORE): He'll never love you the way that I love you, cause if he did, he wouldn't make you cry. He might be thrilling, baby, but my love's so doggone willing so kiss him, go on and kiss him goodbye. ---- How did I do on that? Am I gesturing too broadly?
GK: You're doing fine. Governor, you've questioned the Vice-President's veracity?
TR (BUSH): His what?
GK: His truthfulness.
TR (BUSH): Just now?
GK: No, but earlier in the campaign.
TR (BUSH): I've got the most wonderful warm feeling right now.
GK: How do you feel about him really?
TR (BUSH): I been running around like a poisoned rat for that past two years, it's just nuts.
GK: It's been a hard campaign?
TR (BUSH): You have a little drunk-driving conviction twenty-five years ago----- wham. They're all over you.
TR (GORE): I believe that treatment, not punishment, must be the answer....
TR (BUSH): Had a few beers and a little (SNIFFS) ---- Kennebunkport cops pulled me over.
TR (GORE): Maybe that's what I need is a few beers.
TR (BUSH): Man, I got home, the old man tore into me like I was a common criminal. Read me the riot act.
TR (GORE): I'm gonna have two beers and see what that does, maybe three---- am I smiling again?
TR (BUSH): You just wait til I'm elected. I'm gonna take that oath of office and turn around and look the old man in the eye and I'll say, "So how do you like that, (LONG BEEP)? Huh? What do you think now (LONG BEEP)? (MUSIC)
GK: As long as you guys are feeling so relaxed---- what do you say we end this long campaign with a little friendly camaraderie and you two dance together?
TR (GORE): How about a tango?
TR (BUSH): Fine by me, but all I know how to do is lead----
TR (GORE): Well, I've been Vice-President for eight years, guess I know how to follow----(MUSIC PICKS UP)
GK: And there they go, dancing a very graceful tango, the governor and the vice-president----
TR (BUSH): Okay, you're supposed to throw your head back now!
TR (GORE): Suddenly I feel free! Free!
TR (BUSH): Big dip now!
TR (GORE): There's a wild romantic in me! I knew it!
TR (BUSH): Okay, side by side now......
TR (GORE): Play on, gypsy fiddler, play on!
TR (BUSH): Don't you get carried away.....
(MUSIC OFF)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor