(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: Halloween is this weekend, a great holiday that Americans don't fully utilize. The chance to dress up and pretend to be somebody else ----- how often do you get to do that, other than at job interviews? Once a year. At Halloween.
TK (DRACULA): I couldn't agree more. I love it! It's beautiful. And so are you.
GK: You know, you have very serious skin problems and your breath smells bad----
TK (DRACULA): Is there garlic on my breath---- ? Here. Let me breathe on this mirror. (EXHALES) No, I don't see anything. Just a spot of blood. See that? Blood.
GK: Look. I don't like to hang out with the living dead, okay? Beat it.
TK (DRACULA): Dead? Compared to who?
GK: Mr. Vice-President, who are you going to dress up as this year?
TR (GORE): Tipper and I look on Halloween as a chance to educate people on some of the major issues that face us, and so this year we are going to go around as a pair of elms.
GK: That's wonderful.
TR (GORE): Last year we were dolphins and this year, as a way of showing the importance of maintaining trees in our urban environment, we're going to dress up as elms.
GK: Okay. Governor Bush----
TR (BUSH): I am not looking for a Halloween handout but I will be dressing up as a man with the intelligence and capability to serve as President and lead this country.
GK: Very good. President Clinton---- this is your last Halloween in the White House----
TR (CLINTON): Yes, I'm aware of that.
GK: You seem downcast.
TR (CLINTON): I am. I've been going to people asking for contributions for a long time now. This is my last one.
GK: That's sad. And I suppose it's hard to think about going back to Arkansas.
TR (CLINTON): I've got no home there. Got a hotel suite with Mediterranean-style furniture and that's about it. And room service shuts down at ten o'clock.
GK: What are you going to dress up as this year, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): This year I'm going to dress up as myself and go scare Al Gore.
GK: Sounds good. President George H.W. Bush? What are you going to wear?
TR (BUSH): Well, thinking about Halloween and that whole tradition that's so important to Bar and to me and the idea of trick or treating that we've had in this country ---- but Bar and I, we're planning to stay home this year ----- don't want to do anything that might embarrass the boy, you know ----- go out dressed as cowboys or something ----- don't want this to be the sort of situation where ----- you know how it is ----- you get asked a question and before you know it ------ what did you ask me?
GK: You're not going to wear a costume this year?
TR (BUSH): Well, Bar and I are going to dress up as Parker House rolls, but we're staying home.
GK: Wonderful. Julia Child? What are you wearing for Halloween this year?
TR (JULIA): Oh, I'm going to whip up a lovely chicken bouillabaisse, a sort of fricassee of chicken with a very tasty rouille-----
GK: A rouille-----
TR (JULIA): It's a garlic and pimento sauce.
GK: I see. And you're having guests over?
TR (JULIA): About forty people, yes.
GK: Friends?
TR (JULIA): Yes, I suppose so.
GK: And what are you going to be dressed as?
TR (JULIA): I'm going to be wrapped in cheesecloth and trussed with white string and absolutely stuffed with bread crumbs soaked in a dry white wine.
GK: Yes indeed. Tom Brokaw, what's your costume this year?
TR (BROKAW): I'll be dressed as General George S. Patton, or "Old Blood and Guts," as he was known to members of the greatest generation, and I'll be riding in the forward hatch of a tank waving a silver pistol and I'll be three sheets to the wind.
GK: How do you talk when you're drunk?
TR (BROKAW): Pretty much the same as I do the rest of the time.
GK: Mr. Henry Kissinger?
TR (KISSINGER): My Halloween costume this year, I am going as a goatherd.
GK: A goatherd. ----
TR (KISSINGER): Yes, a simple goatherd. I am going to wear lederhosen and a shirt with puffy sleeves and little shoes with curly tips and I am going to do some yodeling.
GK: Do you yodel?
TR (KISSINGER): I have been told that I yodel quite well for someone with a deep voice.
GK: Could we hear a little bit of that?
TR (KISSINGER): No.
GK: Okay. How about you, Mr. Rogers?
TR (ROGERS): Would you like to know what Mr. Rogers is going to be for Halloween? Is that what you're asking me? Well, I'll tell you. Mr. Rogers is going to dress up as a little person. Yes, I am. I'm going to be a small person, one who hits other people and bites and shrieks in a very loud voice. Yes, I am. And if I don't get really good stuff for Halloween, if I just get those little tiny candy bars, the kind you buy in a package of 100 that are about the size of dog turds, if people don't give me real candy bars, I am going to do something really gross on their front steps
GK: That's all the time we have, Mr. Rogers.
TR (ROGERS): Is that all the time we have for now?
GK: That's right.
TR (ROGERS): I was a very quiet boy and very polite. That's what all the neighbors said after I did the terrible things I did.
GK: Mr. Rogers-----
TR (ROGERS): I was very polite. And then I went berserk. Yes, I did. Do you want to know what happened?
GK: Thank you, Mr. Rogers. -----
TK & TK (DRACULAS, SINGING):
The blue black bugs bled blue-black blood
while the red-black bugs bled blue
The blue black bugs bled blue-black blood
while the red-black bugs bled blue
The blue black bugs bled blue-black blood
while the red-black bugs bled blue
The blue black bugs bled blue-black blood
while the red-black bugs bled blue.
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor