(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
.....brought to you by Powdermilk Biscuits.....
.....With unemployment so low and the job market tight, it's hard for companies to find qualified people sometimes. You notice this sometimes when you go shopping--
GK: Excuse me. Do you work here?
SS: Yeah---- Why?
GK: I'm looking for a modem.
SS: Oh. I think they're over there somewhere. In that stack of boxes.
GK: You got cable modems?
SS: I don't know. It probably says on the box.
GK: Is there anyone else I could talk to?
SS: The manager.
GK: Where is he?
SS: You can call him---- it's 1-800---
GK: Never mind. Thanks for your help.
SS: Hey. No problem.
GK: You go to get on a plane and see a man in a pilot uniform standing behind the check-in desk, reading some sort of manual.....Excuse me, sir? Are you the pilot?
TK: Yeah? What about it?
GK: You're flying this plane?
TK: Yeah--- what's the problem?
GK: You think we'll have an on-time departure?
TK: How should I know?
GK: Do you mind if I ask if that's a flying manual you're reading?
TK: None of your business. Get back in line.
GK: It says "Aviation for Dummies".
TK: Don't bother me. I've got a lot on my mind.
GK: You go in the doctor's office and there's a diploma on the wall but it's from a medical school in Antigua---- and he comes in, wearing a sport shirt and sneakers and red socks.
TR: Mr. Wyler, I'm Russ, I'm your cardiologist.
GK: Okay.
TR: I've just been looking at your, uh---- the, uh---- echo--- uh, whatever they're called, these pictures of your heart ---- and it appears that you have what we call middle polyps---
GK: I think it's called a mitral prolapse.
TR: Right. What did I say?
GK: And by the way, that's a thermometer you're writing with, Doctor---
TR: Oh. I wonder where I left my pen?
GK: A rectal thermometer, I believe.
TR: Oh oh------
GK: Of course I remember very well that back when this show started, the job market was very tight, and when they interviewed for the host job, it came down to me and Larry.
TK: That's right. We were there together in her office when she made the decision.
(TIME CHANGE BRIDGE)
SS: So---- Carson ---- Larry ----- out of three candidates for the job, we've narrowed the field to you two.
TK: What happened to the guy in the bunny suit?
SS: He was in a treatment program and they had to take him back.
TK: He seemed like a nice guy.
SS: He was on Thorazine. ---Anyway, I need to decide which one of you will be the host of our new show.
GK: What's the name of it again?
SS: It's a live radio variety show called "The Grassland Residential Associate".
GK: Nice. Sounds good.
SS: First of all, does either of you sing?
TK: No.
GK: No.
SS: Good. We don't want a singing host.
TK: I never sing.
GK: I have sung but I'm tapering off.
SS: Good. How about making coffee? Can you make coffee?
GK: Certainly.
TK: Yes, ma'am.
SS: And are you willing to help pack up the equipment after the show? Can you wind microphone cords and lift heavy speakers?
GK: The host won't be whisked away in a limo at the conclusion of the show.
SS: No.
GK: I have a tricky back so I'm not sure I could.
TK: I love to wind mic cable. Love it. Love lifting.
GK: So Larry was named the host of "The Grassland Residential Associate" and I invited him over to my house for a celebratory nightcap and I made him a Scotch and soda and after he drank it he had some sort of psychotic episode (TK FOUR GROANS, INCREASINGLY DEEPER IN TONE AND WEIRDER) and while he recovered they made me the substitute host and I'm still here, filling in for him. I was a shy person but I knew what I needed to do and sometimes it's better to just do it, better to apologize than to ask permission.....and I just say, thank goodness for Powdermilk Biscuits......
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor