(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(ORGAN THEME)
GK: THE ART OF PARENTING.....Chapter 8: PUTTING THE 2-YEAR-OLD CHILD DOWN FOR A NAP
(ORGAN DOWN....FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)
GK: Hi, honey. You getting tired?
SS: What do you want?
GK: Come here and let Daddy give you a hug.
SS: Don't come near me.
GK: That's a good girl.
SS: Don't want a hug.
GK: It's past three, time to go upstairs.
SS: Don't touch me. I am extremely busy working with shapes. DO YOU HEAR ME?? I AM WORKING WITH SHAPES RIGHT NOW! I WAS JUST STARTING TO LEARN SQUARES AND RECTANGLES AND YOU'RE INTERRUPTING. --- YOU KNOW THIS COULD BE VERY IMPORTANT IN A TEST SOMEDAY.
GK: We'll just leave your stuff here and you can come back to it later.
SS: Did I ask you to pick me up and take me upstairs? No, I did not.
GK: You and Daddy are going to go upstairs and lie down. Okay?
SS: Knowing rectangles could make the difference between getting into a good college or going to a college that's just a remedial high school.
GK: You look so tired.
SS: And I was working on colors too. Blue and green. Why can't you listen to me?
GK: We're going to lie down here in the guest room, okay? I'll lay you right there. And Daddy'll lie right here. Okay? We'll pull the shades so it's nice and dark.
SS: This is like some kind of horror show.
GK: And Daddy'll take off your shoes. Okay?
SS: (WAILING) YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME! YOU DON'T CARE! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS! YOU TREAT ME LIKE I WAS A PIECE OF LUGGAGE YOU CAN PICK UP AND CARRY WHEREVER YOU WANT! IT'S JUST HUMILIATING! --- Mama never would've done that. Never.
GK: Here's your blankie.
SS: I DON'T WANT IT. And Aunt Kay never would've done it.
GK: How about Mr. Tiger?
SS: No.
GK: You want Baby to sleep with you?
SS: Okay.
GK: Okay, there's Baby. Daddy's going to lie down here and put his head on the pillow right next to yours.
SS: Don't touch me. --- I go over to Aunt Kay's, I really notice the difference. You know? I mean, she knows how to treat children. She doesn't just tromp all over you. I wish I were there right now.
GK: You like it when I rub your back, don't you?
SS: I'm not even going to look at you.
GK: I love you. You're my little muffin, you know that? You're Daddy's little pumpkin. You're my little pudding pie.
SS: I don't like you. You smell bad. I want Mama.
GK: Mama is out running errands. Daddy's going to take a nap with you, honey lamb.
SS: I was looking at a book when you butted in. I was ALMOST GETTING IT. THE WORDS. I was THIS CLOSE. Now I can't remember a thing.
GK: Would you like some water?
SS: Rectangles: I've forgotten what they are. Circles. Triangles. It's all gone.
GK: Just lie down and relax, honey. Please. It's nap time.
SS: I'm probably never going to get into Montessori.
GK:
Go tell Grandma,
Go tell Grandma,
Go tell Grandma.....
SS: SCREAMS
GK: The old grey goose is dead.
SS: Don't sing. Don't ever sing.
GK: You don't want me to sing?
SS: And don't touch me. I'm going to lie here with Baby.
GK: Okay. We'll just lie here and we'll take a nap and when we wake up, Daddy'll make supper, okay?
SS: I'll probably spend the next twelve years trying to figure out shapes.
GK: Close your eyes.
SS: (SLEEPILY) I can't believe what I go through around here.
GK: That's a good girl.
SS: (SLEEPILY) Constant interruptions. Do this, do that. Come here, lie down, take a nap.
(PHONE RING. QUICK PICKUP)
GK: Yeah. Who is it?
SS (ON PHONE): It's me, thirty years later. I'm 32 and I'm in therapy, Dad, and she says that my insomnia problems were caused by your controlling behavior when I was little, so anyway I think you need to come to a couple of counselling sessions with me, okay?
GK: Okay. You can come get me out of the nursing home and I'll talk to your therapist. Fine. And meanwhile, you just woke yourself up. Thanks a lot. (HANG UP)
SS: Okay. I'm done with my nap now. Ready to go downstairs and work on language skills.
GK: We just laid down two minutes ago, sweetheart. We're going to lie here a little longer.
SS: I need some water.
GK: You said just a minute ago---
SS: Water. Now. Move.
GK: Okay, okay. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY. FAUCET. FOOTSTEPS RETURN.) Here. Water.
SS: (GLUGGING)
GK: Put your head down.
SS: I hope you know that you're holding back my development and this is a very critical time, the age of two, extremely critical.
GK: That's a good girl.
SS: (SLEEPILY) It's, Come here, do this, lie down. And meanwhile, my small motor skills, my spatial comprehension, verbalization -- -- they're going to hell in a handbasket. You're infantilizing me, is what you're doing. You're not interested in my personal growth, you're only interested in your own emotional security.
GK: (HEAVY BREATHING)
SS: Finally. He's asleep. (SLIGHT CREAKING OF BEDSPRINGS) Won't he be surprised when he wakes up and I'm ---- outta here. (TIPTOE STEPS AND STOP) Bye, Dad. (DOOR OPEN)
TR: Hi angel. Got the car---
SS: Shhhhh.
TR: What's wrong, mama?
SS: My dad's asleep.
TR: Oh. Sorry. (DOOR EASED SHUT) You all set to go? I got the Caddie downstairs, full of gas ---- got your wedding dress---
SS: Great.
TR: Got a case of beer and a bottle of Southern Comfort and some ice.
SS: Cool.
TR: What do you say we go get a couple dozen hamburgers, come back to my place, take some Nembutal and four or five Ludes, put some music on the hi-fi, and pass out on the floor? Huh, baby?
SS: Sounds like a plan. (FOOTSTEPS, OFF)
(GK HEAVY BREATHING)
(CAR STARTS UP, LOUD MUFFLER)
GK: Huh? What? Honey? (SCREECH OF TIRES, CAR SPEEDS AWAY) What's going on??
SS (LIGHT REGULAR BREATHING)
GK: She's asleep. Sweet dreams. I love you. (MUSIC)
TR: PUTTING THE CHILD DOWN FOR A NAP. Join us again next week when we'll talk about Choosing A Pre-School on THE ART OF PARENTING.
(MUSIC OUT)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor