(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(THEME)
GK: And now the Redding Radio Theater presents... The Fable of The Woodcutter and The Owl.
(MUSIC)
GK: Once upon a time there was a woodcutter who lived with his family in the town of Redding, California. He was the best woodcutter in the forest, and the best poker player in town, and the star of the Redding Red Sox softball team. And one morning, he and his wife had an argument.....
SS: I don't know who you think you are, the way you act around here....you act like you're God or something---- you're so---- removed ----- so haughty---- it's like you can't even see us, all you can see is yourself ---- the kids are afraid of you ---- I'm always so tense when you're here.
TR: Well, if you don't want me around, I'll go----
SS: I didn't say that. I just wish you'd open your eyes and appreciate us a little bit. That's all.
TR: Sorry you're so angry. (MUSIC)
GK: And he picked up his chainsaw and headed up the road toward the forest.
(WIND. BIRD CRIES. WIND. FOOTSTEPS)
It was a cold foggy day. The sort of day he liked.
(FOOTSTEPS. DIFFERENT BIRD SONG)
Clouds of fog enveloped the hills so you couldn't see the tops of trees.
(FOOTSTEPS. BIRD.)
He was looking for a particularly good tree, a fir tree, one so old and the wood so fine-grained, they could take shavings off it and sew them to make fir coats, thousands of them, and when he found the fir he wanted (KNOCKS ON WOOD, TR: AHA), he started up his chainsaw.
(CHAINSAW START, SPUTTER. CHAINSAW START AND REV.)
It took him awhile to make a big cut in the tree, it was almost ten feet in diameter.
(CHAINSAW CUTTING)
And when he'd made the cut, the tree wouldn't fall.
(EFFORT, SLIGHT CREAK, EFFORT)
So he cut some more.
(CHAINSAW)
And still the tree wouldn't go down.
(EFFORT, SLIGHT CREAK)
Even when he had cut all the way through the trunk....
(CHAINSAW LABORING, THEN REVVING AS IT COMES FREE)
And he pushed with all his might...
(EFFORT, SLIGHT CREAK)
The tree stayed perfectly upright. (HUH.)
So (PIANO COMES IN HERE) he put on his climbing boots with the spikes (CLIMBING, WITH EFFORT) and he put a leather strap around the tree and he climbed straight up the trunk. He climbed higher and higher until he was in the fog and couldn't see the ground and he climbed up through the fog and then he was above the fog (WIND) and far up above was the tip of the tree and now he could see why the tree wouldn't fall, there was a small owl who was holding onto it.
(TR: HEY! YOU! .....ECHOES)
(TR: LET GO OF THAT TREE!!....ECHOES)
(PAUSE)
(SS: NO!!.....ECHOES)
And (CLIMBING) he climbed up to where the owl was holding on.
TR: Hey! Come on. It's only a tree. There's millions of em out there.
SS: What's the problem??!! This tree is where I live, okay?
TR: So?? Move!
SS: Maybe I don't want to.
TR: Well, maybe you don't have a choice.
SS: Says who?
TR: What---- you think you're gonna hold this tree up in the air indefinitely? You? You're just an owl!
SS: Never underestimate the determination of small creatures, mister.
TR: I'm telling you. This tree is coming down, you may as well accept it.
SS: Okay. Then I'll let go. (TREE CREAKS)
TR: No! Wait!
SS: What?
GK: The tree started to fall and the man reached out his hand to the owl.
TR: Please. Don't let me die.
SS: Oh, now you expect me to save you!
(CREAKING)
TR: Please.
SS: Sorry, I'm just an owl.
(CREAKING)
TR: Please!
SS: Okay, but on one condition!
TR: What is it?!! (CREAKING)
SS: You have to promise to do it.
TR: Do what??!! (CREAKING)
SS: Promise!
TR: I promise! (CREAKING)
SS: Cross your heart and hope to die!
TR: Cross my heart and hope to die! (CREAKING)
And the owl grabbed hold of a branch (FLAPPING OF WINGS, CREAKING) and she pulled with all her might (SS EFFORT) and it was hard because she was only a small owl (FLAPPING, SS STRAINING) but finally she managed to stabilize the tree ----
TR: (SIGH OF RELIEF) O my gosh. Thanks. Thought I was a goner. You saved my life. What can I do to repay you?
SS: I'm just about to tell you.
TR: Okay. What?
SS: You must follow the river to its source and there, beside a black rock that a red-winged blackbird is sitting on, you'll find a great pile of golden seeds, and you must fill your pockets with the seeds and go on a journey toward the rising sun, and every mile that you walk, drop a seed and step on it----
TR: Wait a minute. Let me go get a paper and pencil and write this down, okay?
And the man (FAST CLIMBING) went down the trunk and through the fog and down to the ground and once he was there---
TR: Heck. The tree's gonna come down anyway.
(CHAINSAW) And he cut such a chunk out of the tree that no owl could possibly hold onto it and (CHAINSAW STOP) he pushed on the tree and he pulled and finally it started to fall....it fell slowly....and then he realized....
TR: Oh no. Oh my gosh.
The tree was falling without a sound.
TR: I don't hear a thing.
It fell silently and it crashed silently to the ground. Which meant only one thing.
TR: Nobody's here. I'm nobody. I don't exist.
And he shouted and heard nothing come out of his mouth. And he threw rocks and the rocks bounced off the trees and ---- nothing.
So he walked back to town and when he got there (TRAFFIC) he walked along the main street and nobody said hello to him. He walked into the grocery store (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE) and walked right up to Harry who he'd known for thirty years and Harry looked right through him....
TK: They say this fog is supposed to burn off by noon. Is what they say. I don't know.
And Evelyn the cashier, who'd been cashing his checks all these years....he stood in front of her and jumped up and down and waved.
SS (OLDER): It sure don't look to me like it's burning off.
He picked up a can of beans and dropped it on the floor and it didn't drop, it went back on the shelf. So he didn't exist.
TK: It's just a morning fog. It'll all be gone before lunch.
SS: Seems to me like it's getting thicker. Must be a fire up there.
He sat down on the bench in front of the grocery and he watched the traffic go by.
TR (REVERB): Funny to look at the world and know that you're not in it anymore.
His wife came in the store to buy groceries.
TK: Hey where's George?
TR (REVERB): That's me.
SS: I don't know. Up in the woods I guess. You know George.
TK: Haven't seen him for awhile.
SS: Well, he's like that. We never know when he's going to show up. I gave up worrying about it a long time ago.
TK: Well, what can you do?
SS: Exactly.
TK: How are you and the kids coming along?
SS: Fine. Great. (BRIDGE)
GK: And that seemed to be the case. Down at the lumber mill (POWER SAW), everybody was busy, the logs were getting cut same as always. He went by the ballfield and (INFIELD CHATTER) another guy was batting in his place and (KONK OF BAT, ROAR OF CROWD) he hit a home run with the bases loaded. So much for George. He went by the tavern and (DEALING CARDS) his poker buddies were playing and a stranger had taken his place. Nobody seemed to miss him. He walked by his house (LAWN MOWER) and the lawn looked great, his son was mowing it, and his wife and daughter were painting the house. He'd been saying for the past three years he was going to do it, and --- actually they're doing a pretty good job. (MOWER SHUTS DOWN)
SS MOM: Wonderful job on the lawn, Jeff.
TK TEEN: Thanks, mom. When is Dad coming home?
SS MOM: Who? Oh. Dad. Right. --- Gosh. I don't know. Whenever. You know Dad.
SS GIRL: How'd you ever meet Dad anyway?
TK TEEN: Yeah. You guys are so different.
SS MOM: We were at a dance and all these guys were trying to dance with me and he was standing over by the door, not looking at me or anything, just thinking, and I guess his disinterest sort of intrigued me, you know? And I asked him to dance. And he said he didn't know how. So I taught him. And by the time I was done teaching him, we decided we might as well get married. (MUSIC)
GK: And he walked away, feeling sorry for himself. And he walked down to the river and stood on the bridge looking down at the rushing water.
TR REVERB: What's the point of it anyway?
GK: And he was just about to throw himself off the bridge when the angel appeared.
SS: Hi.
TR: Who are you?
GK: The angel actually looked a great deal like an owl.
SS: Who? WHO??? (SHE LAUGHS) I'm the owl who saved your life. And I'm just about to do it again.
TR: What's the point? They don't need me.
SS: They do.
TR: My kids behave much better without me around.
SS: Well, that's always been true.
TR: My wife doesn't seem that unhappy without me.
SS: She'll be happier when she sees you.
TR: Why?
SS: She knows you. She's used to you. You're part of her life.
TR: That's not love.
SS: But it is.
TR: Love is passion.
SS: Ha! Homicide is passion. Love is persistence. Two people who basically like each other and ever so often they set off fireworks and the rest of the time they raise tomatoes and clean the bathrooms and do the crossword.
TR: I'm sorry I cut down your tree.
SS: You're forgiven.
TR: What should I do?
SS: Go home.
TR: What's the point? I don't exist.
SS: Cut down that tree.
TR: Which one?
SS: That one.
(CHAINSAW START)
TR: What a beautiful sound. (CHAINSAW CUTTING. THEN STOPS. AND TREE CREAKS AND CRACKS AND FALLS.) Thank you. (BRIDGE)
GK: And he headed straight for home and there was a black rock with a red-winged blackbird (BIRD CALL) and golden seeds and he filled his pockets (SEEDS) and every step he took he dropped a seed (STEPS) and there was a beautiful woman with long golden hair, his wife.....
SS: Hi George.
TR: Hey babes.
SS: Where you been?
TR: In the woods.
SS: I thought so.
TR: Glad to be home.
SS: Glad to have you home.
(ROCKETS)
(BAND PLAYOFF)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor