(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
GK: So many people have asked me how I got started in radio, in fact just last week a little girl asked me....
SS (SNIFFLY GIRL): Hey, how'd somebody like you ever get into radio, huh? Boy, you musta had a friend who got you in, didn't you? Did your dad own a station?
GK: No, he didn't. I had to work my way up from the bottom. I was a waiter in a restaurant (RESTAURANT AMBIENCE, LIGHT CLINKING OF GLASSES, SS OFF?MIKE TABLE CHATTER AND LAUGHTER) next door to radio station WLB in Minneapolis, the Air Castle of the North it was called. All the big radio stars hung out there---
TR: Hey Carson, you know who that is at table number one? Huh? Take a look. The dame in the white mink with the neckline down to her navel. Huh? huh?
GK: My job is not to gawk at my customers, Phil, it's to provide them with the highest level of service I possibly can.
TR: Don't be a dork. Take a gander. The good-lookin dame with the real pearls. A very big name in broadcasting, my friend----
GK: My customers come here to get away from the fishbowl of fame and wealth, Phil, they don't come here to be ogled by me.
TR: Don't be such a pill. That's Lulu Lane. She's the host of "Goody Goody" and "Stick To Your Knitting" ----
GK: I don't care. I'm here to serve my clients, whether they be rich and successful or modest and hard-working like me.
TR: Okay. Suit yourself, chump.
TK: Hey, waiter! You! Over here. (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Yes, sir----
TK: Miss Lane's water is tepid and her fried oysters seem slightly overcooked. And this wine---- it's dry but it's not quite dry enough. Bring us another.
GK: Yes, sir.
TK: And hustle. We have a show in two hours.
SS: Excuse me---- young man----
GK: Yes, ma'am.
SS: Do you know who I am?
GK: Yes, ma'am.
SS: Good. Do me a favor. Recite me the lines: "When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes I all alone beweep my outcast state and trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries and think upon myself and curse my fate." Go ahead. Say it. Please.
GK: When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes.....
SS: Beautiful.
GK: I all alone beweep my outcast state....
SS: Exquisite.
GK: And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries and think upon myself and curse my fate.
SS: Absolutely extraordinary.
TK: We're in a hurry, Lulu. Don't waste the man's time.
SS: You're a man of the theater. I can tell by the way you project yourself.
GK: I'm not. I'm only a waiter, Miss Lane. I was a busboy until two months ago.
SS: Surely, you've appeared in theater.
GK: I never have.
SS: Or dreamed of appearing in theater.
GK: For me, my dream has always been waiting on table and making people happy.
SS: How boring! How tedious!
GK: To you, perhaps, but to me, the thought of bringing happiness in small simple ways ---with a timely glass of water, a plate of food properly presented, a clean napkin, the prompt removal of crumbs----
SS: Young man, you take away the "w" from waiter, and the "i" and the "e" and add an "s" and switch the "a" and "t" ---you've got the word "star!"
GK: Entertainment isn't the only art, Miss Lane. They also serve who stand and wait.
SS: Ha! I could make you a star! You're young! Your eyes flash! You have a fabulous jawline! The tufts of chest hair poking up from your shirt --- you were made to be a radio star! A person of your talent shouldn't be waiting on tables! What a waste!
TK: Lulu, don't embarrass the man.
SS: Come, young man. Follow me---- (MUSIC BRIDGE, FADING TO FOOTSTEPS ON MARBLE, SLOW, ECHOING)
GK: It's magnificent, Miss Lane????
SS: It's a radio studio, Mr. Wyler. It's a magical place.
GK: All these men and women in tuxedos and fancy gowns.
SS: Radio performers maintain a standard of elegance the public can only imagine.
GK: What's there beyond the glass, Miss Lane?
SS: That's where the engineer mixes the show, Mr. Wyler. Come---(DOOR OPENS) Mr. Wyler, meet Monsieur Rivard.
TR: FRENCH GREETING
GK: He doesn't speak English?
SS: Broadcast mixing is beyond language. It's an art. It's music.
GK: He does it with white gloves?
SS: Of course. Merci, Monsieur Rivard.
TR: FRENCH (DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Radio! It's a life of wealth, and fame, and more than that ---- the responsibility of serving as a role model to America's young.
GK: Really?
SS: When you go into radio, you'll have a platform from which you can spout all of your left-wing liberal drivel and impress young people who don't know any better.
GK: I never stopped to think about that.
SS: People will follow you, dazed by your brilliance.
GK: I'll be able to speak out for working people. For striking mineworkers and teachers. Draw public attention to our country's housing and transportation needs.
SS: I have a show that's perfect for you. It's called---- "The Casa la Desert Compadre". It's just waiting for a host with your flair....your youth----
GK: From Minneapolis?
SS: No, from Phoenix.
GK: I couldn't go. And leave my mother and father.
SS: Then we can do it here in Minnesota. Call it "The Companion of the Prairie".
GK: I don't know.
TR (BRIT): Champagne or sparkling water, ma'am?
SS: No, thank you, Nigel.
TR (BRIT): Sir?
GK: Yes. Thanks. Thank you very much.
TR (BRIT): My pleasure.
GK: It's so tempting ---- and yet, I feel unequal to the challenge. I can't sing, I can't tell jokes, I----- (GLASS FALL AND BREAK, SPLASH) Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm terribly sorry.
TR (BRIT): It's nothing at all. I'll fetch a whiskbroom.
GK: How clumsy of me. How stupid.
SS: Please. Come. In my dressing room. (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: You're so kind. So generous.
SS: Don't mention it.
GK: Everything is so confusing.
SS: Come in. (DOOR OPEN)
GK: Wow. It's as big as a haymow. High ceilings. The drapes. The view of the city, it's lights winking and blinking, beckoning----
SS: I know it looks magnificent, but the truth is, I'm a very lonely woman. For years I've devoted myself to radio, radio, radio ---- trying to bring love and romance to the audience ---- and I forgot to find love for myself. And then you called. And there was something in your voice, Mr. Wyler---
GK: There was? But---
SS: There was something in your voice that told me how much I'd been missing. And I don't want to miss any more. Kiss me, you fool.
GK: Kiss you, but--- (KISS SFX)
SS: I'm in radio but I'm a woman, Mr. Wyler. I have the needs of any other woman. Marry me.
GK: Marry you! But---
SS: All I can promise you is that I'll make you as happy as you're able to be.
GK: Well, that's darned happy, Miss Lane.
SS: So you'll do it. "The Companion of the Prairie" Show.
GK: I'll do it, Miss Lane. Probably I'll regret it but I'll do it.
SS: You won't regret it, young man. Believe me. Today's your lucky day. You came in here a waiter but you're going out--- a star! (BRIDGE)
GK: And that's how I got into radio. She was my muse, my producer, my love, and then one day----
SS: I'm leaving, Carson. No--- don't try to stop me. I did everything for you that I could, and now you've outgrown me. I made you a star, but now---- I'd only hold you back, Carson. I'm leaving---- (DISTANT TRAIN WHISTLE) --- in fact, there's my train. I'm heading west to Sun City, Carson ---- to live in a retirement community and play tennis and enjoy my remaining years ---- but someday, Carson, if you think of it---- come out there and do a show for me and my friends.
GK: I promise.
SS: Goodbye.
GK: Goodbye. (BAND PLAYOFF) This show is for you, Miss Lane. Wherever you are.
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor