(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell)
(WESTERN THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by Santa Fe Brand Automatic Barn Door Openers...when you come back to the ranch worn out from a hard day ridin and ropin, a Santa Fe Automatic Barn Door Opener right there on your saddle horn sure does make life easier. (BEEP. CREAK OF BARN DOOR OPENING, WHINNY, CLOPS) And now.....today's adventure. (CATTLE, HORSES, WHOOPING)
GK: (ON HORSEBACK) Man, these cattle are ornery! (HE WHOOPS, CATTLE BAWL) Never seen animals so fractious and headstrong! Course they are two-year-olds! (HE PRODS A COW, COW BAWLS) How far is Sun City West, pardner? (CATTLE SOUNDS)
TR: (ON HORSEBACK) Should get there tomorrow. Speaking of which ---- I gotta take care of some business.
GK: (ON HORSEBACK) Where are you goin? Dusty---- what are you doin? (RIFLE SHOT, CATTLE SOUNDS STOP SUDDENLY) What'd you shoot that telegraph line down for?
TR: Want to plug in my saddletop computer and check my e-mail. --- (TO HIMSELF) Plug that right in here--- (ELECTRICAL SHORT) Good. (CLICK OF KEYS) (HE MURMURS TO HIMSELF, AS HE SCANS MENU OF E-MAIL)
GK: Anything interesting?
TR: Yes, indeed. Fourteen messages and they all say "I love you".
GK: Who they from, Dusty?
TR: Agnes, I figure. Widow lady up in Sun City West. We've been corresponding.
GK: I thought you said you were all done with women.
TR: I was. Until I met Agnes.
GK: Who is she?
TR: I'll tell you all about her. Later. (MUSIC BRIDGE, NIGHT AMBIENCE, CRICKETS. CAMPFIRE, DISTANT CATTLE LOWING)
GK: So you met her online, huh.
TR: Seventy-two but by gosh she's a pistol. Quite a looker, too. I'm gonna meet her tomorrow night in Sun City West for dinner and go to a singles dance and afterwards we're going to a lecture on mutual funds.
GK: Mutual funds. You ain't got no money to put into mutual funds.
TR: I will if I hook up with Agnes.
GK: You're in love and you haven't even met her?
TR: Agnes believes we are soulmates. She believes she has found her missing half.
GK: Hard to imagine.
TR: I'm tired of the cowboy life, pal. Tired of the dirt and the wind and sleeping outdoors. I was tired of it a long time ago.
GK: Being tired of it is part of the cowboy life.
TR: With beef prices what they are, we are actually paying money for the privilege of leading this life of misery on the barren plains. Think of it!
GK: You care for some coffee?
(PAUSE)
TR: At ten o'clock at night? What do I want coffee for?
GK: I was just asking.
TR: I'm about to turn in. Want to get up early so I can make it over to Sun City West in time for supper with Agnes.
GK: Okay. Coffee always helps me go to sleep, that's all. Guess everybody's different.
TR: Well, you are, that's for sure.
GK: Coffee makes me sleepy. Always has. Parties make me sad and sad songs make me happy and coffee makes me sleepy. (ESPRESSO STEAM)
TR: What in blazes????
GK: Just heating up the milk.
TR: You make espresso??
GK: You want a cup?
TR: No, I do not!
GK: Okay. Suit yourself. (BIG BLAST OF STEAM)
TR: Are you about finished???
GK: All finished. Just gotta release the pressure. (BLAST OF STEAM)
TR: I wish you'd go to sleep.
GK: Soon as I drink my espresso, I will, Dusty. (FOOTSTEPS, AND STOP) Look at those stars up there. I tell you, you never get the blues if you can see the stars. You can worry about your bad back and your short-term memory loss and your ulcer and your stock market losses and your debts and your sworn enemies but when you look up at the stars it's okay again.
TR: Are you done?
GK: You can worry about your hair loss and your receding gums and your prostate ----
TR: Cut it out!
GK: Oh, I don't think surgery is called for. Radiation should do the trick.
TR: Stop it!
GK: But as long as you can look up at the stars, you feel better.
TR: How'd you like to see even more stars?
GK: Sorry. Didn't mean to get you riled up.
TR: I'm going to go to Sun City West and meet Agnes and if she and I hit it off, I ain't gonna go back on the trail again, pardner. I'm gonna settle down to a life of lawn care and watching the golf channel on cable TV. Who is this coming? (HORSE HOOVES APPROACH)
GK: Looks like a ranger or a deputy sheriff----
SS: Whoa there...whoa. (HORSE HOOVES STOP, WHINNY. DISMOUNT. WALK ACROSS GRAVEL.)
TR: (LOUDLY) Evenin', deputy. How's it goin?
GK: Evenin, ma'am. What can we do for you?
SS: Sheriff sent me out here to check your computers. Got a big love virus going around and we're makin' sure it doesn't spread and infect the cattle.
TR: But computer viruses can't infect cattle!
SS: Maybe they can and maybe they can't. We ain't taking no chances.
GK: A computer virus is electronic, ma'am, it ain't biological----
SS: What do you know about it?
GK: Well, I know that much about it.
SS: Open up your saddlebags. ---C'mon, let's see em. Open up!
GK: Nothin in mine but just some underwear. And books----
SS: Let's see yours, mister.
TR: Just an ordinary saddletop computer, ma'am.
SS: Set it down on the ground.
TR: Yes, ma'am.
SS: Nice and easy.
TR: Yes, ma'am.
SS: And take out the hard drive. And set it on that rock. And now step away.
TR: No! Don't! (FIVE PISTOL SHOTS, BWANG OF BULLET ON METAL)
SS: There.
TR: That was my hard drive, ma'am! I had e-mail there from a lady in Sun City West.
SS: Oh? What'd she say?
TR: She said, I love you.
SS: That ain't romance. That's a virus, cowboy. So long, boys. Giddup (HORSES HOOVES AWAY)
GK: Hard drive is ruined?
TR: Got five holes in it.
GK: She was a good shot.
TR: Agnes's address was on there. Her phone number. Everything.
GK: Where you supposed to meet her for dinner?
TR: It's on my hard drive.
GK: Well, we'll go look for her. What does she look like?
TR: Her picture's on my hard drive.
GK: What a pity.
TR: Guess there's no point in going into Sun City tomorrow.
GK: Guess not.
TR: Darn. Guess it wasn't meant to be, huh?
GK: Guess not.
TR: You got any more coffee?
GK: You bet. (BLAST OF STEAM) Be ready in just a minute. (STRUM GUITAR)
TR: Oh no. Please. No songs.
GK: You're gonna like this one. (STRUMS)
Last night as I lay on the prairieAsleep on the rocks and the dirt
I dreamed that I lived in Sun City
And wore a bright green polo shirt.
I dreamed that I lived in a condo
And lay by the pool every day
Snacking on shrimp and on lobster
And sipping a fine Chardonnay.
I played bridge at the club every morning
Did aerobics three times a week
On Wednesday and Friday there's dancing
On Sunday we hear someone speak.
And one day I felt a dark shadow
And the temperature dropped ten degrees
It was Agnes, my wife, she was angry
Right away I got down on my knees
She said, Get up, you ridiculous idiot,
Go and get dressed right away
We're going to have lunch with the pastor
I told you ten times, it's today.
I said to her, I'm not going
She said you are so get changed
I said to her, I'm not either
And I woke up out here on the range.
Sleeping with rocks for a pillow
And my roof is that cottonwood tree
I'm sure that she is a fine woman
But a cowboy is meant to be free.
YODEL
You still care for some coffee, Dusty? (TR SNORING) Never mind. Goodnight pardner. Goodnight stars. Goodnight moon. Goodnight sagebrush. Goodnight to the ladies whispering hush. (THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS......brought to you by La Casa Grande Brand Placemats for the Trail, in your choice of patterns: Common Deciduous Trees, Members of the Lizard Family, and First Aid for Choking. (MUSIC OUT)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor