(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, VG: Vince Giordano)
GK: New York is a city I fell in love with listening to radio shows that originated here, shows like Fred Allen's Town Hall Tonight and The Jack Benny Show and Bob Hope and so many shows, shows like ---- (BIG BAND THEME UNDER....)
TR (ANNC): Live from New York City....it's I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT! The game show in which contestants compete for valuable prizes by telling stories about the contractors they hired to renovate their apartments. And here's our first contestants, a couple from West End Avenue---
SS (NYER): He told us two months! Two months to paint the walls and put in new floors and take out a wall and incorporate the maid's room into the kitchen! And you know what it took! Two years! Yes! Two years! I couldn't believe it! (ORGAN STING)
GK: Growing up in the Midwest I had no conception of a maid's room. A maid---- to you people I'm sure it was a part of everyday life ---- how many of you as children had personal servants, maids to pick up after you and make your beds ---- let's see a show of hands ---- interesting ---- about two-thirds. In Minnesota children did their own chores. I grew up in a sod house, a house made of dirt, I was the sixth of 13 children, my father a sharecropper from Goteborg (TR SWEDISH) who every morning after we milked the cows (MOOS) and fed the pigs (PIG) and collected the eggs (HENS) from chickens who didn't want to give up their eggs (CHICKEN FLURRY), Father sat us down to listen to him read from the Old Testament (SWEDISH), usually something about suffering, the Midianites being smote, or something, and that was our main entertainment, except for shows we heard from New York----
(BIG BAND THEME)
TR: From Studio 5 at Rockefeller Center, it's GO FOR THE DOUGH! the quiz show that pays thousands of dollars! brand new cars! freezers, washer-dryers, and gas ranges! luxurious living room suites! and first-class trips to exotic places!!! And here's your quizmaster ---- Regis Fabulous!
TR (REGIS PHILBIN): Thank you so much! Thank you!
GK: I suppose quiz shows weren't a big deal to you growing up in the lap of luxury in New York ----- how many of you had trust funds by the time you were twelve? Tell the truth. Let's see the hands. ---- About two-thirds. So winning a few thousand dollars didn't mean much to you, but to us growing up in a dirt house with twelve siblings and animals wandering in and out (DOG BARK, CHICKEN FLURRY) and every morning (SWEDISH) Daddy reading us a chapter from Levitus or Deuteronomy, something about smiting and tribulation, boy, the thought of cash was very attractive. I don't recall seeing paper money until I was sixteen. Mostly we traded eggs for things.
TR (REGIS): And now...(DRUM ROLL) for fourteen thousand dollars and a trip for four to Cancun!---- What is the capital of---- Minnesota?
SS (SOUTHERN): I have no idea whatsoever.
TR (REGIS): Minnesota. A state in the Midwest. The capital.
SS (SOUTHERN): Springfield? (HORN) (BRIDGE)
GK: It was so thrilling to us to hear the name of our state mentioned on the radio and to think that New Yorkers were sitting in the audience and were hearing it said out loud, Minnesota ----- to think that wealthy New York children with servants and trust funds were now at least marginally aware of us ---- how many of you have ever been to Minnesota? hold up your hands. Three people in the balcony. How many of you think you know approximately where Minnesota is? Same three people. I sure knew where New York was. It was the location of the good life, of vast wealth and grandeur and entertainment. Of course we had radio shows in Minnesota, some, but they weren't as good. (FIDDLE TUNE)
TR (MINNESOTA): Okay, the Prairie Seed Corn Company of Moorhead brings you "NAME THAT JIG," a quiz show where listeners who can identify fiddle tunes are eligible to win caps and stuff. Last week's tune, it was a jig, and the correct answer was 'Pigs On The Roof, Or, Has Anybody Here Seen Oscar?' and we had three winners, in Chisago City, Norma Cedarberg..(FADE) and in Brooten, jah, we had Elmer Stuedemann up there in Brooten....
GK: It wasn't hard to tell the difference between that and a show that came from New York. (BIG BAND THEME, LATIN)
TR: From NEW YORK, and the Tom Tom Room of the Oglallah Hotel on West 43rd Street- --- it's Vince Gilberto and his Latin Nightingales dance orchestra....brought to you by Enchantee Vocal Gel ---- men, do you suffer from chronic hoarseness or raspiness? (TK GROWLY MAN)....Enchantee Vocal Gel gives you a smooth, attractive voice in just minutes (TK: Hi sweet heart, it's me, Jim.)---And now, New York society bandleader Vince Gilberto steps to the microphone with the song that everyone in Manhattan is humming these days, "Manana, Manana, Manana"---- (START OF LATIN PERCUSSION, AND LINE OF SONG, THEN FADE)
GK: Our local shows were entirely different. They just felt local. (ORGAN)
SS (MINNESOTA): And now the Lutheran Casualty Insurance Co. brings you Showers of Blessing, the quiz show where we ask tricky questions about stories in the Bible and everybody goes home with the same prize, a year's supply of Grandpa Brand Lutefisk Flavoring and a pocket New Testament.
GK: And the New York shows just had this feeling of sparkle and class. You could smell the gin and see the flaming desserts, see ladies in strapless gowns dancing close with elegant men. (BIG BAND THEME)
TR: Live from the Astoria Lounge at New York's famous Biltmore Hotel, it's Vince Gardenia and his Gotham Grosbeaks....brought to you by Thompson Tooth Tinsel....(MUSIC)
GK: I got interested in show business when I won second prize in a 4-H talent contest doing an impression of a chicken singing "Stardust" ---- everyone said I was the best but they had to give the prize to the girl who played "What A Friend We Have In Jesus" on the marimba because we were a Christian community. I dreamed that someday I'd get to go to New York and meet one of those society bandleaders from the radio. They were all handsome and had long glistening black hair and wore tuxedos and they were all named Vince.....there was Vince Gamberi and his Jazz Starlings, Vince Gamboni and his Sparrows of Song, Vince Genovese and his Cedar Waxwings of Syncopation, Vince Giovanni and his Jazz Blue Jays, Vince Guacamole and his Nuthatches....
(PIANO INTRO....)
TR: Live from New York.....it's Vince Ghirlandaio and His Ravens of Rhythm, originating from the Satin Club on West 52nd Street, with the latest hit songs as compiled by the editors of Bandstand Magazine, the songs most often requested of America's top ballroom orchestras, and here with this week's Song No. 10, the ever popular Vince Ghirlandaio....(INTO VINCE VOCAL AND FADE AFTER A FEW BARS)
GK: Probably it meant little to you who grew up in New York ---- probably these bands came and played for your birthday party ---- how many of you in your childhood had birthday parties with more than five hundred guests? About half. But you see in Minnesota, we didn't celebrate birthdays at all ---- for some reason, in a family of thirteen kids, the day of our birth didn't put our parents in a party mood ---- for my birthday, I remember getting a few little blocks of wood, some socks, a birthday card with a quarter taped to it, signed Love Mom, in an envelope with a lot of eraser marks and my name written lightly in pencil, and it was so good to tune in the radio and hear New York and feel they were my friends and talking to me....
(COCKTAIL LOUNGE PIANO)
TR: Live from the back room at Eleanor's, the restaurant the stars call home, it's THE JIGGS WAHPETON SHOW, starring "the gal in the know" New York Journal-American gossip columnist Jiggs Wahpeton. Jiggs's guest tonight is Richard Rodgers. And (FADING) now....with the scoop, here's Jiggs----
SS: Thank you so much, and good evening, everybody.
GK: I suppose you folks hob-nobbed with big stars all the time --- But I grew up in the Midwest and it was fascinating to me to listen to famous people, hear their voices.
SS: So--- Richard Rodgers, you and Oscar Hammerstein had a huge HUGE hit last season with "Oklahoma," which, by the way, I absolutely LOVED. So wonderful. It was great. And I really mean that. They practically had to carry me out of the theater on a stretcher, it was that entertaining. And now everyone on Broadway is asking, "What are these two going to come up with for their next show? What can they possibly do that'll be as good as Oklahoma?"
TR (RODGERS): Well, Jiggs. Oscar and I just this morning sat down and sketched out a new musical called "Northern Pacific".
SS: "Northern Pacific"...interesting title. What's it about?
TR (RODGERS): It's about a nurse named Nellie Forbush who goes to a small town in Minnesota and falls in love with a railroad millionaire.
SS: Fascinating. And the musical is set in Minnesota?
TR (RODGERS): That's correct, Jiggs.
SS: Interesting. That's west of here somewhere, isn't it----
TR (RODGERS): Yes, it is. I believe so. Does anyone know? Yes, I see people nodding. It must be. Out around Chicago. (BRIDGE)
GK: Growing up in a sod house in the middle of all that flatness, I couldn't wait until evening, when the sun went down and the radio came on and New York City seemed to be right there in my room. If you had a maid to pick up after you and a gardener to mow your lawn, maybe it didn't mean so much, but after a day hoeing corn, this was sheer heaven.
(BIG BAND THEME, UNDER....)
TR: It's the Vince LaGuardia Show, starring Mrs. LaGuardia's No. 1 son, the popular New York society bandleader, Vince LaGuardia and His Manhattan Hoot Owls, brought to you by Blanco Brand Laundry Bleach and Whitener, that makes dull clothes sparkle like new!
GK: Vince LaGuardia was my favorite. What a cool guy he was, his hair slicked back, with the big white baton in his hand, smiling. I sent in two Blanco boxtops to get an autographed picture of him and also the Vince LaGuardia Songbook with all his hits and also Vince's Handbook, "Look Sharp, Be Sharp" in which he said---
VG: Don't be a slouch. Don't be a gloomy Gus. Don't be the slow leak, the drip, the sourpuss who everybody else has to cover for. Anybody can look good who makes an effort and if you look good, you'll feel good, so take good care of yourself, develope good personal habits, get to bed early every night, because if you feel good, you can go all the way, nobody can stop you.
GK: I used to repeat that advice to myself over and over. I practiced smiling, I practiced being happy.
SS (MOM): Vern? Vern, look at me, I'm talking to you.
GK: I'm not Vern, Mom. I'm Carson. Vern is the oldest one.
SS (MOM): Whatever. I'm a little worried about ya, ya know? You sit up there in your room listening to the radio, what's the matter with you? I don't think that's good. I think we need to turn that radio off for awhile.
GK: No, Mom. Please.
SS (MOM): I think we could use some peace and quiet around here at night.
GK: Please, no.
SS (MOM): I think instead of radio it'd be good for you to spend a little more time reading your Bible.
GK: (BRIDGE) And that afternoon I got together all the quarters I'd gotten for my birthdays and I walked ten miles into town, to the General Store....
TR (OLD MAN): Howdy there, Carson----
GK: Hi, Mr. Beemer.
TR: What you doin in town this time of day, Carson? It's five thirty. Suppertime.
GK: I came in to use the pay phone.
TR: What you need that for? You got an emergency?
GK: No, I just need to place a call.
TR: Okay. Well, here's a stool so you can reach it.
GK: Thank you. --- We had just studied the rotary dialing system in the 4th grade, so I knew exactly how to use it. (DIALS ZERO) (RING AT OTHER END. CLICK)
SS (ON PHONE): New York City Operator, how may I help you, please?
GK: Yes. I'm calling for a Vincent LaGuardia.
SS (ON PHONE): Is that a Manhattan number, sir?
GK: Yes, of course. New York.
SS (ON PHONE): One moment. (PAUSE) That number is Murray Hill 2014 --- I'm connecting you now. (PAUSE) (RING, SECOND RING, PICKUP)
VG: Yeah?
GK: I'm calling for Mr. Vincent LaGuardia, please.
VG: This is he.
GK: Mr. LaGuardia? From the radio show?
VG: In person, kid. What can I do for you?
GK: My name is Carson, Mr. LaGuardia, and I'm thirteen, and --- I want to get into radio. It's been, like, a big dream of mine ever since I was eleven.
VG: Are you a musician, Carson?
GK: No, sir.
VG: Do you sing?
GK: Hymns.
VG: I see. You dance?
GK: No, we can't. We're church people.
VG: You tell jokes?
GK: No. Church people.
VG: Well, maybe you could be an announcer then.
GK: That's what I want to do.
VG: Do you look good in a tuxedo with your hand cupped behind your ear, Carson? Does your voice exude personality?
GK: I could work on it.
VG: Why don't you do that?
GK: Okay.
VG: And when you're older, you can come to New York and try out.
GK: Okay.
VG: Anything else?
GK: Do you really use Blanco Brand Laundry Bleach and Whitener, Mr. LaGuardia?
VG: I take my stuff to a Chinese laundry around the corner, kid. Sorry.
GK: That's okay. I was just curious. Do you go to bed early, Mr. LaGuardia?
VG: Sometimes.
GK: I see. I bought your Handbook.
VG: Right. Great.
GK: Your advice about not being a slouch, it really meant a lot to me.
VG: That's great, kid.
SS (OPERATOR ON LINE): Kindly deposit another forty-five cents.
GK: I gotta go, I guess. Just one more question, Mr. LaGuardia, if you don't mind.
VG: Shoot.
SS (OPERATOR): Deposit another forty-five cents.
GK: I have this thing I do that isn't exactly singing, but everyone thinks it's really good, it's chicken singing ---- is that something you'd ever need in your band, Mr. LaGuardia? (DIAL TONE)
GK: I never got an answer to that question. But I listened to Vince LaGuardia every Saturday night on the radio and over the years as his career declined, I remained his biggest fan.
(BIG BAND VAMP INTRO)
TR: Live from the With It Club on Manhattan's Famous West 96th Street, it's Vince LaGuardia and his Manhattan Hoot Owls.....
TR: Live from the Bon Ton Cafeteria on Manhattan's West 102nd Street....it's Vince LaGuardia and his Manhattan Hoot Owl Quintet.
TR: And now, from New York's fashionable Washington Heights, and the world-renowned Mike's Utopia Restaurant, home of the world-famous moussaka dinner for two, it's Vince LaGuardia and his Three Thrushes......
GK: Sitting there in the Midwest I had no doubt that I'd come to New York someday and become an announcer and appear onstage with Vince LaGuardia.
VG: And here you are.
GK: You look exactly the way I always imagined you'd look, Mr. LaGuardia.
VG: Hey. Call me Vince.
GK: It's been more than twenty years since I was thirteen and yet you don't look as if you've aged at all.
VG: Music keeps a guy young, Carson. Musicians, on the inside, we're all kids of seventeen. Nineteen at the most.
GK: And today I'm your announcer and your substitute male vocalist.
VG: Welcome to show business.
GK: Out there on the prairie, leading our simple lives of hard work and sacrifice, through radio we got a look at a glamorous world that you people with the trust funds and the personal servants take for granted. New York really needs midwesterners to appreciate it ---- to walk around and admire the buildings, the grandeur, to go to the shows and get all thrilled inside when the lights come up and the band starts to play...(WA HOO)
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor