(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
The difference between capitalism and communism is that, under communism, you have people exploiting people, whereas under capitalism, it's the other way around.
TR: I was driving to work the other day when I ran into a pig and I was in a hurry so I drove straight to the office and there was a cop waiting for me and he arrested me for leaving the scene of an accident.
GK: How did they find you?
TR: I guess the pig squealed.
GK: So two cannibals met one day in the jungle.
TK: I went up the river and got me a couple of Catholic monks the other day and brought em home and boiled them and they tasted terrible.
TR: You boiled them?
TK: Yeah, why?
TR: Those are friars.
.....GK: So--- the snail walked into the new car showroom and he said to the salesman:
TR: I want to buy a new car.
TK: Okay. What kind of car you want?
TR: I want a little car.
TK: Okay, a little car.
TR: And I want a big letter S on the side.
TK: Okay. Why?
TR: Cause when I drive down the street I want people to say, 'LOOK AT THAT LITTLE S CAR GO!'
.....TK: Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other: You look like you're wearing a tuxedo. The other penguin says: What makes you so sure I'm not?
GK: Those were a few of the more tasteful jokes we came across in our joke search, and then there were all the others. Jokes about sex. About half of all jokes are about sex.
TK: I decided to take up jogging.
SS: Oh? Why?
TK: So I could hear heavy breathing again.
SS: Oh. That.
.....TK: Do you want to have sex?
SS: No. I don't believe in premarital sex.
TK: Yeah, but it's only premarital sex if you're planning to get married. Do you want to have sex?
SS: No, I don't go in for casual sex.
TK: Okay, I'll dress up then. C'mon. Tell me, how do you like your eggs in the morning?
SS: Unfertilized. Beat it.
.....TR: So---- an old lady died who had never married and she specified in her will that her tombstone say BORN A VIRGIN LIVED A VIRGIN DIED A VIRGIN but it was too many words to put on the stone so they just wrote RETURNED UNOPENED.
SS: You know, Bill Gates and his wife went on their honeymoon, and afterward she said to him, "Now I know why you named it Microsoft!"
TR: Bill Gates built a new house for himself and it's great except that sometimes when you flush the toilet it comes out the shower, but when that happens you just leave the house and go outside and come back in the house and usually it's better.
.....SS: Mr. Johnson, I want to speak with you about your son. I discovered him playing doctor with my daughter!!
TR: Well, it's only natural for children that age to explore their sexuality in the form of play.
SS: Sexuality?! He took out her appendix!
GK: Sex and the toilet.
TR: Sir?
TK: Yes?
TR: Pardon me for asking, but every week you come in here to my drugstore and buy two dozen condoms.
TK: Yes?
TR: Sir, it's none of my business, but how on earth do you use that many condoms a week?
TK: I feed them to my poodle and now when she poops, she poops in little plastic bags.
.....SS: He was the number one laxative salesman in the whole United States, but he was just a regular guy.
GK: So----the preacher was dissatisfied with how little his congregation put in the collection plates on Sunday, so he learned hypnosis. He preached the sermon in a monotone and he swung a watch slowly in front of the lectern and at the end of the sermon he said, "Give!" and the collection plate was full of twentydollar bills. It worked for weeks. The congregation sat mesmerized during the sermon, staring at the watch swinging, and when he said, "Give!" they gave everything they had, and then one Sunday, at the end of the sermon, the chain on the watch broke, and the preacher said, "Crap!"
Sex and the toilet.
TK: So I came into town around midnight, one hotel, and the clerk said, "Every room is taken."
TR: So what did you do?
TK: I begged. I got down on my knees. I said, "You've got to have a room. Anything. Please."
TR: And?
TK: Finally, she said, "Well, I do have a double room with only one occupant, and probably he wouldn't mind splitting the cost, but to tell you the truth, he snores so loud that people down the hall complain about it. You won't get a minute of sleep."
TR: So what'd you do?
TK: I took the room.
TR: How'd you sleep?
TK: No problem.
TR: Didn't the other guy snore?
TK: No. I got dressed for bed, went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.
.....GK: We'll be back with more of The Joke Show in a few minutes.....(BAND PLAYOFF)
GK: It's our Joke Show. So anyway---- Leif Erickson went off on his voyage to the New World and a couple years passed and his wife found his name missing from the town register and she went to the census taker to complain, she said, "You must have taken Leif off your census."
TR: Reminds me of the one about the farmer who was milking his cow and a bug flew into the cow's ear and a moment later the bug squirted out into the milk bucket. Yep. Went in one ear and out the udder!
GK: Speaking of farms, one of the oldest jokes is, WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? And there continue to be new answers. The New York City police say,
TR: You give me five minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
GK: The Bible says
TR (BILLY GRAHAM): And God said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
GK: Why did the chicken cross the road? Hemingway said:
TR: He crossed the road. To die. In the rain.
GK: And Martin Luther King, Jr. said:
TR: I see a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads and no one will ask why?
GK: Einstein said:
TR: Why did the atoms cross the road? Because it was time to split! Get it? Time to split!! Atoms!
GK: And finally, Mr. President, why did the chicken cross the road?
TR (CLINTON): To the best of my recollection, that chicken did not engage in what I would call "road crossing behavior."
GK: It's been a couple years since Monica made her debut in American comedy and you'd think we'd be done with Monica jokes, but no, there were some that came along that I hadn't heard before.
TR: Why did Monica Lewinsky have sex with the president in the Oval Office? SS: Because she didn't have $50,000 for the Lincoln Bedroom.
TK: The Pope met with President Clinton and they agreed on 80% of what they discussed but they were discussing the Ten Commandments.
GK: Okay, speaking of the Pope, let's do some God jokes. --- God was talking to one of his angels. He said, "Boy, I just figured out how to rotate the Earth so it creates this really incredible 24hour period of alternating light and darkness." The angel said, "What are you going to do now?" God says, "Call it a day."
TR: So Moses was talking with God, and Moses says, "Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. THEY get to have all the oil deposits, and WE cut off the tip of our WHAT?"
TK: So I was talking with God the other day, and I said, "God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference."
SS: So Eve was talking with God in the Garden of Eden, and she said, "God I have a problem. It's a beautiful garden, but I'm lonely and I'm sick of eating apples."
TR: Okay. I'll create a man for you."
SS: What's a man?
TR: He's a creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego who doesn't listen and gets lost a lot, but he's big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals and he's fun in bed.
SS: Sounds great!
TR: There's just one other thing. He's going to want to believe I made him first.
SS: Why is it so hard for a women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and goodlooking?
GK: Why?
SS: Because those men already have boyfriends.
GK: That's a very rare joke in our survey of new jokes ---- a respectful gay joke --- probably there are lots of them, but the relationship jokes we found were almost entirely about men and women.
TR: One morning, the devil decided to go to church, and he appeared suddenly just before the offering, in a shower of flame and sparks and smoke, and ran up and down the aisle screaming and all of the congregation ran out except for an old man sitting in back. The devil leaned over him and shook his spear and let out a ferocious roar and cried, "I am Satan, Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness, I am evil incarnate. Do you not fear me?" The old man said, "Why should I? Been married to your sister for 48 years."
GK: A girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents and they were horrified by his greasy hair, his tattoos, his dirty language, his air of hostility, and after he left, the father said, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice person." And the daughter said,
SS: Dad, if he wasn't a nice person, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?
GK: The jokes about men and women probably have the highest level of pure meanness. And it's pretty much even on both sides.
SS: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through the chest wall, with a sharp knife.
TK: I decided that instead of getting married, I'd just buy a dog, because you know, after the first year, a dog is still excited to see you.
SS: I wouldn't say that my husband eats like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA. He's not short and fat; I'd say he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT. We don't call it a beer belly; it's a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He isn't silent; he is simply a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST. He doesn't get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
TR: My wife went to a self-help group for compulsive talkers. It's called On & On Anon.
SS: My husband exercises on the beach by sucking in his stomach every time a bikini walked by. The only way I can get him to do situps is to put the remote control between his toes.
TR: My wife has been great. In just three years of marriage, she's gotten me to stop drinking, stop smoking, taught me how to dress well, how to enjoy music and painting and fine literature, how to cook gourmet meals, and how to have confidence in myself. So I'm getting a divorce. Frankly, I don't think she's good enough for me.
TK: I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. Everything that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
SS: Daddy, I was out on a date with Mike and, Daddy, he proposed to me.
TK: Well, that's nice.
SS: But I can't marry him---- he's an atheist. He doesn't believe in God, doesn't believe there's a hell.
TK: Well---- Marry him. Between you and your mother, you'll show him there is.
GK: A man took his wife to the livestock show and they looked at the champion breeding bulls.
SS: Look here. It says that this bull mated over 150 times last year. Isn't that something.
TR: Yes, but it wasn't all with the same cow.
SS: Do you ever notice the Wymans next door? How loving they are? How he always puts his arms around her and kisses her when he comes home? Why don't you do that?
TR: If I knew her better, I would.
TK: Marriage is nature's way of preventing people from fighting with strangers.
TK: Can I help you, ma'am?
SS: Yes, I want to buy a shotgun for my husband.
TK: Yes ma'am, does he know what gauge he wants?
SS: No, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.
TR: Very few things upset my wife and it makes me feel special to be one of them.
TR: Honey, would you like a BMW for your birthday?
SS: No, I don't think so.
TR: How about a weekend house in the Berkshires?
SS: No thanks.
TR: How about a trip around the world?
SS: No, I want a divorce.
TR: Oh. Actually, I wasn't planning on spending that much.
GK: So a husband and wife are in bed watching "Do You Want to be a Millionaire".
TR: Would you like to make love?
SS: No.
TR: Is that your final answer?
SS: Yes.
TR: Then, I'd like to call a friend.
TR (DYING): You know, honey, you've always been with me through all my troubles. Through all my bad times, you've been there.
SS (WEEPING): Don't try to talk, darling.
TR: When I got fired, you were there. When my business went down the toilet, you were there. When I had the first heart attack, you were there, and when we lost the house, and then when I got liver cancer, you were always by my side. You know something?
SS: What?
TR: I think you're bad luck.
SS: It was Mr. Ryan's funeral and the pallbearers were carrying the casket out from the church when they bumped into a pillar, and one of them heard a moan from inside the casket, and they opened it and found that Mr. Ryan was still alive. God be praised. He lived for ten more years and then he finally died and the funeral was held and at the end the pallbearers were carrying out the casket, and Mrs. Ryan said, "Watch out for that pillar!"
TR: Man. That Mrs. Johnson. I got her husband all laid out in the casket in his black suit and she comes in and says she wants him buried in a blue suit.
TK: Oh boy.
TR: She insists that it has to be a blue suit.
TK: What'd you do?
TR: Well, luckily we got this body shipped out from Chicago and it came dressed in a blue suit.
TK: So you switched suits?
TR: Naw. I just switched heads.
GK: A young woman was walking down the street when she saw a funeral procession come by. A hearse, followed by an old woman in black walking a pit bull on a leash, followed by another hearse, followed by two hundred women walking single file. The young woman said, Pardon me for intruding at this private moment, but whose funeral is it?" And the old woman said, "Well, my husband is in that hearse up there. He was attacked and killed by my dog, who also killed my husband's girlfriend, who is in that hearse back there." The young woman said, "Could I borrow that dog?" The old woman said, "Get in line."
We'll be back with more of The Joke Show in a few minutes.....(BAND PLAYOFF)
.....TR: Doctor, my wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!
SS: Is this her first child?
TR: No, this is her husband.
GK: A man accidentally cut off all his fingers with the power saw and went to the hospital. The doctor says,
TR: Thank goodness for microsurgery. Give me the fingers and I'll sew them back on.
TK: I haven't got em. I couldn't pick em up.
GK: A woman went to a dentist to have a tooth pulled and there was instant electricity between them, and they made love right there in his office. She came back week after week after week and they made love over and over and over again. Until one day, he told her they'd have to end the affair, as beautiful as it was, because she only had one tooth left.
GK: So----Quasimodo goes to the doctor for an annual checkup. And the doctor says:
TK: I think something is wrong with your back.
TR: What makes you say that?
TK: I don't know. It's just a hunch.
SS: Doctor, you've got to help me out!
TR: Certainly, go back through the hall to the elevator, press "down" and go back the way you came.
SS: Please. Help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, dimes and quarters come out!
TR: Well, you're going through the change.
SS: And also I have a sore throat, Doctor. I ache, I have a fever.
TR: Sounds like some kind of virus.
SS: Everyone in the office has it.
TR: Well, then maybe it's a staff infection.
GK: The old family doctor took his son into partnership after the son got his M.D. and the old man went off on a two week vacation, his first vacation in years. When the old man came home, he asked his son if there'd been any problems at the clinic, and the son said no, everything went well "In fact," he said, "you know that rich old widow, Mrs. Ferguson? I cured her of her chronic indigestion." "Well, that's fine, son," said the old doctor. "But Miss Ferguson's indigestion is what put you through college."
TR: After twelve years of psychotherapy, I finally was able to get in touch with my emotions and break down and cry.
SS: What happened?
TR: My psychotherapist looked at me one day and said, "No hablo ingles".
TK: Two psychiatrists met on the street and one said to the other, "You're fine. How am I doing?"
TR: My boy Irving. What a fine boy. Gave his mother a new Cadillac for Mother's Day. That's what a good son he is. Loves his mama.
SS: That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He goes to a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. In analysis. On Park Avenue. Five sessions a week and what does he talk about? ME. Yes.
GK: It was nice to see that greater sensitivity to the feelings of others has not eliminated the moron joke. These were terribly popular in my third-grade classroom, and they keep on coming. Later we became more sensitive to the feelings of the mentally impaired so we didn't call them moron jokes anymore, they became Polack jokes, and then we were made aware of the pride of Polish people in their cultural heritage, so we in Minnesota started telling them as Iowan jokes, and this year, so as not to cause pain to the good people of Iowa, we'll make them Wisconsin jokes.
TK: Did you hear what happened to the Wisconsin hockey team? ----They drowned during spring training.
SS: Did you hear about the people in Wisconsin who went to the drive-in movie and hated it so much that they got rowdy and ripped up the seats?
TR: Did you hear about the Wisconsin coyote? He chewed off three legs and he was still caught in the trap.
GK: Did you hear about the Wisconsin woman that went to the department store to return a scarf. She claimed that it was too tight. -----So---- the Minnesota man and the Wisconsin man have just finished using the urinal and the Wisconsin guy stops to wash his hands. And the he says,
TR: In Wisconsin, we're brought up to wash our hands after we pee.
TK: In Minnesota, we're brought up not to pee on our hands.
GK: So---- The Wisconsin man got a job with the Minnesota highway department painting lines down the center of the highway. The supervisor told him he was expected to paint two miles of highway a day, and the man started work the next day. The first day the man painted four miles. The supervisor thought, "Great." The next day the man only painted two miles but the supervisor thought, "Well, it's good enough." But the third day the man only painted one mile and the Boss went out to talk to him. He said, "Is there a problem? An injury? Some reason you keep painting less and less highway?"
TR: Well, I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket.
GK: More of the Joke Show, in a few minutes. (BAND PLAYOFF)
.....GK: Sue Scott likes simple jokes.
SS: I do.
GK: Third-grader jokes.
SS: Some of my best friends are third-graders.
GK: I like them too but not quite as much as you do.
SS: To me the heart and soul of humor are the jokes told by third-graders.
GK: Okay.
SS: They're like haiku. They're religious, almost. "Why did the fried chicken cross the road?" --- She saw a fork up ahead. --- To me, that's poetry.
GK: Okay.
SS: Speaking of which, what is large and gray and writes gloomy poetry? --- T.S. Elephant.
GK: That's good.
SS: That is good. What is large, gray and wears glass slippers?
GK: I don't know. What?
SS: Cinderelephant. ---Why was Cinderella so lousy at baseball? ---She ran away from the ball and she had a pumpkin for a coach. ---Why is a moon rock tastier than an earth rock? Because its a little meteor.
GK: That's a great joke.
SS: You want me to tell it again?
GK: No.
SS: Why didn't Noah go fishing that often?
GK: He only had two worms.
SS: Where do otters come from?
GK: I don't know.
SS: Otter Space. ---What did the zero say to the 8?
GK: I don't know.
SS: Nice belt!!
GK: Are you almost done?
SS: Almost. What did the lady bullet say to the male bullet?
GK: We're going to have a BB.
SS: The human cannonball decided to retire from the circus and he told the circus owner he was too old to go on being shot across the circus arena and into a net night after night and the owner said, "But you can't quit! Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
GK: Good.
SS: Why was the baby ant so confused?
GK: Because all his uncles were ants.
SS: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
GK: I don't know. Why?
SS: He wanted to make up for a lousy summer.
GK: Aha.
SS: Why was the archeologist depressed? --- His career was in ruins.
GK: Great.
SS: What is the difference between a joist and a girder?
GK: Joist wrote "Ulysses," and Girder wrote "Faust."
SS: Exactly. What do you call a Norwegian car?
GK: A Fjord.
SS: Right. What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tooter. ---Why did the pilgrims' pants fall down?
GK: Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.
SS: Good.---What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
GK: Dam.
SS: Why should you never fly with Peter Pan? ---Because you'll Never Never land. How do they circumcise a whale? ---They send down four skin divers. ---Aren't these great? I love these. ---Bert asked Ernie if he wanted ice cream, and Ernie said, "Sure, Bert." You get it?
GK: Got it. Where did the little king keep his little armies?
SS: Up his little sleevies. ----How do baby hens dance? They dance chick to chick.
GK: Okay. One more.
SS: Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker? ---He wanted a balanced meal.
GK: Good. Thanks.
SS: What did the mother buffalo say to her little boy when he went off to school?--- Bye son.
GK: Thank you. More of the Joke Show, coming up....(BAND PLAYOFF)
GK: Old age is still a popular theme in jokes because it's what the boomer generation is terrified of. Old age, Alzheimer's, impotence....
SS: Hello. This is the Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
GK: The boomer philosophy is summed up in this line:
TR: I intend to live forever so far, so good.
GK: And so they don't ever expect to become objects of ridicule themselves...
SS (OLD): You want to go for a walk?
TR (OLD): Isn't it windy?
SS (OLD): No, it's Thursday.
TR (OLD): Me, too. Let's go get a beer.
TK: Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
GK: The boomers are fifty years old. Decrepitude is looming up in front of them. But it's still far enough away that they can enjoy jokes about it.
TK: The old man thought his wife was going deaf so he came up behind her and said, "Can you hear me sweetheart"?. No reply. He came closer and said it again. No reply. He spoke right into her ear and said, "Can you hear me now, honey"?
SS: For the third time, yes.
SS (OLD LADY): Do you remember when we were first married and you used to take my hand and kiss me on the cheek and then you'd kind of nibble on my ear?
TR (OLD MAN): You bet. Let me go get my teeth.
SS (OLD LADY): Do you remember if we ever had mutual orgasm?
TR (OLD MAN): Mutual orgasm? No, we always had Allstate.
GK: A painter got a call from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said,
SS: I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death, and I said yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your doctor. (BAND PLAYOFF)
TK: They announced today that the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are going to merge and form one team called the TAMPACKS. It may be a mediocre team, though. Good for one period and have no second string.
TR: Did you know there are female hormones in beer?
TK: Female hormones in beer? Impossible.
TR: There are. You drink a lot of beer, and you get fat, you talk too much and you don't make sense, you cry, and you can't drive a car.
TR (LANTERN JAWED COP): Ma'am, I pulled you over because you're driving too slow.
SS (OLD LADY): Too slow? Why, I was going the speed limit: 23 miles an hour.
TR: Ma'am, that's the route number--- this is highway 23. The speed limit is 55.
SS: Oh. TR: Ma'am, these other ladies with you--- are they all right? They look sort of pale.
SS: Oh, they're okay. We just got off Highway 212.TK: What is it, officer?
TR: Sir, I need you to breath into this Breathalyzer for me.
TK: I can't do that, officer. I have terrible asthma. I could have a really bad asthma attack.
TR: Okay, then you'll have to come down to the station and take a blood test.
TK: I can't do that either. I'm a hemophiliac.
TR: Okay. Then I need a urine sample.
TK: I can't do that either. I am a diabetic.
TR: Okay, then I need you to step out of the car and walk this white line.
TK: I can't do that either.
TR: Why not?
TK: Because I'm drunk.
.....GK: We promised ourselves that we weren't going to tell any lawyer jokes today, but--- Why is it unethical for lawyers to have sex with their clients?
SS: Because it'd mean being billed twice for essentially the same service.
TR: So---- The airliner was having engine trouble, and the cabin crew told the passengers to take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing and they all did except for a lawyer who went around passing out business cards.
TK: You know, it's that 90 percent of lawyers that give the rest a bad name.
GK: Okay, that's enough about lawyers.
SS: One more. What is the difference between a woodtick and a lawyer? ---A woodtick falls off you when you die.
.....GK: Okay. Let's move on to the lightbulb jokes.
TR: So--- these two lawyers went into the restaurant and they got sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter said, "Hey, you can't eat your own sandwiches in here! It's against the rules." So the lawyers traded sandwiches.
GK: Lawyers are still the No. 1 joke occupation, followed by doctors. Of course there are musician jokes, centering on banjos, accordions, saxophones, and drums, particularly popular among musicians. We've seen a big wave of jokes about software developers and computer engineers and nerds of all kinds.
SS: A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A psychologist is a man who, when a beautiful woman enters the room, watches everyone else. A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a woman who used to think she liked small children.
.....GK: The lowly lightbulb joke continued to show great resilience in the past year. The basic joke is about thirty years old, and it's a joke about incompetence, jargon, bureaucracy, basic idiocy, and somehow it keeps on going on. ---How many monkeys does it take to change a light bulb?
SS: Two. One to screw it in and one to scratch his butt.
TK: How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
SS: None. The light bulbs are working fine in all other offices. So yours must be all right, too. How many lonely guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
TK: One, but he wishes it took two.
SS: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb? ---Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the light bulb into a faucet. ---How many used car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb?
TR: I'm working out the figure on my calculator, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
SS: How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
GK: 12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry 51 to pass a tax credit for light bulb changers. --- How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
TR: One to change the bulb, six to talk about how wonderful it's going to be when the new bulb is screwed in, and ten to argue for increased funding for solar lighting research.
TR: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
TK: We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part. (BAND PLAYOFF)
GK: How many Musician jokes are there?
TK: Just one all the rest are true.
GK: How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
TK: Two. One to change it and the other to eat the old one. GK: How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
TR: Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!
TK: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They have machines that do that now.
GK: Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays?
SS: Because there is no spit valve. ----How does a guitar player make a million dollars?
TK: Well, he starts out with seven million----
GK: One banjo joke on the show, just one, and this is it:
TR: A banjo is like an artillery shell: by the time you hear it, it's too late.
TR: Twelve tenors and a baritone were climbing Mount Everest and the rope broke, and they fell down into the crevasse and all of them managed to hang on to the rope, but it was clear that the rope couldn't hold them all, so they decided one man would have to let go, and the baritone said, "Okay, I'm only a baritone. There are so many baritones, so few tenors, and the music world cannot bear to lose you, so I'll sacrifice myself to save your lives." And the tenors all applauded and fell to their deaths.
GK: Last year we had about twelve Ole and Lena jokes and this year we discovered only one that we hadn't heard before. The Ole and Lena joke is an amalgam of the Polack joke and the marital discord joke with a Scandinavian flavor, and if you want to hear more Ole and Lena jokes, you need to hang out with the right people.
TR: So there was a big snowstorm and a snow emergency was declared and Ole had to park his car on the odd-numbered side of the street and two days later, more snow, and he had to park it on the even-numbered side of the street, and the next day, another snowstorm, another snow emergency, odd-numbered side of the street, and Ole said, "Heck, Lena, I'm tired of this. I'm gonna leave the dang car in the garage and if they want to tow it, let em tow it."
GK: The category of joke we call A Guy Walks Into A Bar seemed to go into decline this past year, but there were a few new ones to come along.
.....TK: So a five dollar bill walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey. This is a singles bar."
GK: Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra?
TK: No, I didn't.
GK: Well, there was one. Walked into a bra.
TK: So Charles Dickens walks into a bar and he orders a Martini. Bartender asks "Olive 'r Twist?"
GK: So this anteater walks into a bar and he says----
TR: I'd like a drink.
SS: Okay. How about a beer?
TR: Noooooooooo.
SS: Then how about a gin and tonic?
TR: Noooooooooo.
SS: A martini?
TR: Noooooooooo.
SS: Hey, listen buddy, if you don't mind me asking -- why the long no's?
GK: So--- a Frenchman, a German and a Jew have been out in the desert all day and they walk into the bar, and the Frenchman says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I must have wine." The German says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I must have beer." The Jew says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."
GK: The trio joke. The Englishman, the American, the Scotsman. The priest, the rabbi, and the minister. ---- A mine owner advertised for new workers and three guys turned up. An Irishman, an Italian, and a Japanese. The owner tells the Irishman, "You'll be in charge of the mining," and he tells the Italian, "You'll be in charge of the lift," and he tells the Japanese, "You'll be in charge of making sure we have supplies." And the next day they went into the mine, and at the end of the day, one man was missing, the Japanese. They searched for him for a few hours and just as they were about to give up he jumped out from behind a rock and he yelled:
TR: SUPPLIES! SUPPLIES!
TR: A cruise ship sinks and three men make it to a desert island. The first man, a Catholic, kneels down and prays to the Lord to be saved from the island. The second man, a Lutheran, kneels down and prays to the Lord to be saved from the island. The third man, a Jew, says, "Hey. Two years ago I gave a million dollars to the Jewish Federation. Last year I gave two million. This year I pledged three million. Don't worry, they'll find me."
GK: The Jewish joke. A whole vast rich vein of humor. Most Jewish jokes can only be told by Jews, but Jewish mother jokes I think are universal. The best one I heard is about the question, When does life begin? Different religious faiths have different answers to this question, but in the Jewish tradition, the embryo is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
TR: Mom, hi. How are you? How's everything in Florida?
SS: Not too good. I've been very weak.
TR: Why are you weak?
SS: Never mind.
TR: What's wrong?
SS: Never mind. It's okay.
TR: Why are you weak, Mom?
SS: I haven't eaten in 38 days.
TR: That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?
SS: Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.
TR: CRY OF GUILT
GK: A bum walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days.'
SS: Try, honey. Force yourself.
TIM'S IRISH DIALECT JOKE
TR: An old Irishman was coming home late one night from the pub and he passed the old graveyard and he thought of all his old friends in there, and then he saw a stone beside the road. "The poor man, buried out here by the highway. And he lived to the ripe old age of 145. A fine man. "Miles, from Dublin."
ANOTHER IRISH DIALECT JOKE
TR: Excuse me, Kate, may I come in? I've somethin' to tell ya.
SS: Of course, Mick. But where's my husband? Where's Paddy?
TR: That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Kate. There was an accident down at the brewery.
SS: Oh, faith, no!
TR: Paddy is dead, Kate. I'm sorry.
SS: Heaven have mercy. How did it happen?
TR: It was terrible. He fell into a vat of beer and drowned. Aye.
SS: Dear God in heaven! I hope he went quickly.
TR: Well, no, Kate...Not really. Fact is, he got out three times to pee.
TK: When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who SAW any snakes!
GK: And finally, a New York joke.
TR: I was walking down the street in Midtown and I saw two guys trying to steal an old lady's handbag, and she was putting up quite a fight. I didn't know if I should get involved, or not, and finally I decided to help, and you know, it didn't take the three of us that long to get it away from her.
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor