(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
...this portion of our show brought to you by the Ketchup Advisory Board. (MUSIC)
TR: These are the good years for Barb and me. We put our cat in a pet center where we can go to a website and see live video of her but somebody else takes care of the litter box.
SS: We got new furniture for the living room, Mission style, my favorite.
TR: We got caller ID so now we know when it's one of our kids calling and if they want to tell us how we ruined their life, they can leave it in voice mail.
SS: I was feeling pretty happy and then last night I heard Jim downstairs. He was watching TV. (TV AUDIO) Jim---- the Weather Channel. What's wrong?
TR: This lingering low pressure system over New Jersey, Barb --- it just has me concerned.
SS: What's wrong, honey?
TR: I just feel so darn depressed, Barb. I'm fifty-one years old and what do I have to show for it? Nothing.
SS: Actually you're fifty-two, Bob. Fifty-two in February.
TR: (GROAN) Twenty-eight years in the same job and I'm a cipher, a big fat zero, and I had to borrow against my retirement to pay for the kids' treatment programs, and now we have a roomful of ugly furniture. (SWITCH, TV AUDIO OFF)
SS: (EXASPERATED CLUCK) You said you liked it!
TR: I know. I did like it. In the showroom. And now I realize, I hate Mission style.
SS: I thought we had committed to this furniture.
TR: It reminds me of a doctor's office I was in once, in Scranton, the time I had that outbreak of psoriasis. It reminds me of the lobby of an old hotel where retired guys sit around in T-shirts and play pinochle and cough and complain about politicians.
SS: I can't believe you're saying this when you know it's been my lifelong dream to own Mission furniture like this.
TR: But it's so old!
SS: Of course it's old. It's a classic.
TR: It reminds me of the parlor of the Methodist Church where we sat and listened to the minister talk about our bodies as temples! It reminds me of my Aunt Eulalie whose house smelled of liniment! It reminds me of the meetings of the League of Women Voters! It reminds me of the collected works of Sarah Orne Jewett.
SS: You know what your problem is, Jim? You haven't been eating as much ketchup as doctors recommend. I've been concerned.
TR: Doctors recommend ketchup? I didn't know that.
SS: There was an article about it somewhere just recently, Jim. Doctors have found that ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help older people like yourself accept change.
TR: Guess I better increase my ketchup intake.
SS: Let's go fix ourselves some crackers and ketchup. And Jim?
TR: Yes?
SS: If you don't like the furniture, you can go down the basement where the old furniture is. You and Rusty. (WOOF)
RD:
These are the good years, in the golden sun
A new day is dawning, a new life has begun
Love is flowing, like ketchup on a bun.
GK: Ketchup. For the good times.
(c) 2000 by Garrison Keillor