(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
(MUSIC)
GK: As most of you know, this year our radio show observed a big anniversary ... forty-five years on the air - (APPLAUSE) Thank you. 1954. Ike was in the White House, television was the big new thing, the newspapers were crusading against rock n' roll as a cause of juvenile delinquency, and radio was struggling to survive ... it was the worst possible moment for a new show to start ... and there we were.
Back then our show was called The Hercules Cleansing Crystals Family Mystery Theater - and we did it in a studio right here on West 43rd Street, so when I come back here to Town Hall, I'm really coming back home. (FOOTSTEPS, TRAFFIC) So many memories. So many old-timers still around.
TK (GROWLY): Hey, Buddy. Remember me? Bobby. I played Skipper on "The Post Toasties Cavalcade". Remember? And look - it's Cathy.
SS (WHISKY VOICE): Hi, Buddy. We did that Christmas special once, remember? We were the kids.
GK: It's sad to see people my own age who are old and brokendown and helpless. (MUSIC) My radio career began the year before, on the 86th floor observation deck of the Empire State Building. I was a kid, and my dad brought me to New York and we went up there and looked out over the city (WIND, DISTANT SIREN) - wow, incredible ...
TR (DAD): Quite a sight there. Huh? Not every day you see something like that, is it. Boy.
GK: My dad wasn't good at expressing amazement.
TR (DAD): Yeah, that's something all right. Boy, if ya had a nickle for every light you see, you'd have quite a pile of dough, huh.
GK: And then he saw a little booth where you could make a recording, 60 seconds for $1.50.
TR (DAD): Whaddaya say? how about you record a message for Mom? Huh? You want to?
GK: Why? We're going home in three days.
TR (DAD): Well, I just thought she'd get a kick out of it, that's all.
GK: I mean, what would I say?
TR (DAD): Just - say hi and you're having a good time and - you know - stuff like that.
GK: Well, takes care of ten seconds, what do I do for the other fifty?
TR (DAD): Well, it's up to you. I just thought it was something your Mother'd enjoy. But if you don't want to -
GK: It's not that I don't want to -
TR (DAD): I just know she'd get a big kick out of it. Hearing you.
GK: But she can hear me all the time -
TR (DAD): You know, having it on a record and everything. A kinda souvenir.
GK: (SIGHS)
TR (DAD): She'd like it. But if you don't care to do it -
GK: So of course I had to do it - I went in the booth and Dad looked in the window at me and he put the money in the slot and just then this bunch of kids came up and stared at me just as this red light went on that said, Speak, and I couldn't think of anything - I said: Hi Mom, it's me, Buddy, we're in New York, Daddy and me ... and these kids were laughing like crazy and suddenly I realized, they could hear me out there, and now I couldn't think of a thing to say, the precious seconds slipped by, and Daddy opened the door a crack and he said:
TR (DAD): Sing a song.
GK: So I sang:
Jesus wants me for a sunbeamAnd a woman stepped up to my dad and she said:
To shine for him each day.
In every way try to please him
At home, at school, at play.
SS: That kid has a certain quality of sheer magic that I think spells success in radio broadcast. I'm Doris Plotz from the Mutual Network, sir. My business card. Call me if you're interested. (BRIDGE)
GK: And to make a long story short, I was hired to play Timmy on "The Family Mystery Theater" for Hercules Cleaning Crystals. It was fun. My mom and I came and stayed at the Carlyle Hotel and did the show and we got to meet famous guest stars like Jimmy Durante ...
TR (DURANTE): Hey Buddy. Inka dinka doo.
GK: And Carol Channing ...
TR (CHANNING): Oh darling, you look simply scrumptious!
GK: And John Wayne ...
TR (WAYNE): Hi, Buddy. It's good to be here on your show.
GK: And it was an easy role to play, the role of Timmy. The basic premise was that every week I got into a pickle ... (NIGHTTIME AMBIENCE, CRICKETS, DISTANT HOWL)
TK (KID): I think I'll walk up this dark road and see what's in that deserted barn over there. If I take a candle and a couple of matches, I should be okay. (WOOF) You stay here, Rex.
GK: Every week, I found some new predicament for myself ... (SURF)
TK (KID): I guess I'll see if this raft I made from old Kleenexes will float. Probably it will. (SURF) The sign says Beware of the Undertow. Oh well. What can it hurt to try? (WOOF) Stay on shore, Rex.
GK: I got thousands of pieces of fan mail a week, folks saying, "Please, be careful. Exercise some common sense, Timmy."
TK (KID): I wonder if I can get the engine started on this old Curtiss bi-plane. If I can, then I can take her up in the air and fly over the city and find Grandma's house. (ENGINE COUGHS AND STARTS, ROARS) Oh boy! (REVS UP ENGINE, AND FADES)
GK: After I got in the predicament, my old friend Ranger Dave would come to my rescue ...
TR (ECHO): Timmy??? ... Timmy?? I think he's down this mineshaft, men. I can hear him whimpering. Timmy???? (WOOF)
GK: And I'd be rescued in the last minute or so.
SS (MOM): Oh, you're safe!! (WEEPING) My boy!! I thought I'd never see you again!!
TK (KID): I'm fine, Mom. (WOOF) Thanks to Ranger Dave.
SS (MOM): How can we ever thank you?
TR (DAVE): Just remember, Timmy. Alligators can run up to 185 miles an hour in short bursts. And they have an acute sense of smell. That's why you should never walk into the swamp eating a hamburger that's cooked medium rare or less.
TK (KID): I'll try to remember. (ORGAN OUT)
GK: As I grew up, of course, the predicaments changed somewhat ...
SS (BREATHY): I know we've only known each other for three hours, Timmy, but they've been three of the most beautiful hours of my life. You do something to me, Timmy. Let's get married. Tonight.
GK: Every week, there was something new that drew the listeners in ...
TR: O'Hara's my name, Timmy. I.R.S. I need to look at your checkbook stubs from 1953-1957.
TK (CLINK OF INSTRUMENTS): I'm going to just snip a little tiny piece out of your eyeball for the biopsy, Timmy. Hold still. (SNIP)
SS: Our marriage was over a long time ago, Timmy. (ICE CUBES IN DRINK GLASS) I found someone new. Someone who thrills me the way you never could.
TR (RANGER DAVE): Oh, no! Timmy dropped his prostate medication down the mineshaft again! (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: And when we had almost run out of predicaments, we made me the host of the show and that got people worried all over again and we changed the name of the show to "The Bob and Ray Show" and then "Let's Pretend" and then "The News With Lowell Thomas" and then "A Prairie Home Companion" and that's how the show lasted so long. By constantly reinventing itself. That, and good medication.
TK: How do you feel?
GK: Good. Really good.
TK: Good. Your eyes are spinning a little, though.
GK: Are they?
TK: We're going to cut back on your Ritalin. And take you off the estrogen. I noticed on the show last week you were singing falsetto.
GK: It felt good, that's all.
TK: No more estrogen.
GK: Okay. Great. (MUSIC) Forty-five years is a darned long time for a radio show. Most radio personalities start out pretty upbeat (ORGAN CHORD)
TR: Good morning, breakfast clubbers!!! How are you this bright sunshiny morning? (BRIGHT ORGAN THEME)
GK: And in a few years, what with the stress and all, they turn dark and edgy -
TR: What're you waving your hands at me for? (TO HIMSELF) Stupid engineer in the control room. (TO ENGINEER) Don't point at me! Sicka you pointing at me!! Twenty years!! All you do is point! Point, point, point! You see what I'm pointing at you? Huh? huh? Ya think it's a toy? (GUNSHOTS)
GK: Disgruntled radio announcers going over the edge. They're taken away (TR SOBBING, FADING) and they're given counseling and drugs and if they have nice hair and their faces aren't too scary, they go into television -
TR: I'm Brent Fellows, a thoughtful but normal friendly white male ...
SS: And I'm Jocelyn Gibbs, a beautiful and intelligent but non- threatening minority female ...
TR: And here's tonight's news.
SS: In our lead story, Terror Sweeps a Northside Neighborhood as Residents Hear Strange Sounds and See Shadows Moving ... We go live now to our remote unit ... Sheila? (TK FEMALE ON REMOTE HOOK-UP)
GK: And if they don't have nice hair or their eyebrows are spooky looking or their eyes don't sparkle, radio people may earn a living for a few years doing commercials for low-end products.
SS (ANNC): Do you suffer from the constant fear of sudden projectile vomiting? Maybe you need The Barf Scarf ... the silk scarf that unfolds to become a discomfort bag ...
GK: Old radio folks sitting in tiny dank studios crank out this stuff for about $1.95 per 30-second commercial, which sounds like a lot, I know, but would you want to end your career this way?
TR (ANNC): Do you chew with your mouth wide open and not realize it?
SS: Bob - please -
TR: I did. And then I found My-o-ree, the dental hinge that reminds you to close your mouth. It's easy ... (FADING) simply fasten My-o-ree to your incisors ...
GK: And after a few years of doing degrading commercials, they're shoveled off to the Beloved Old Broadcasters Home, the Bob Home, in Bobville, Wisconsin - a truly pitiful place ...
SS (OLD): Hi. I used to be Miss Julie on "The Parkers" - remember me?
TK (JOWLY): And I was Skipper. With the dog. Remember? On "The Tom Mix Show". For Ralston.
(HE SINGS) Shredded Ralston for your breakfast
Starts the day out shining bright ...
GK: I go there on Christmas to sing carols and hand out popcorn balls and it's truly a downer for me, meeting these ancient ghosts of radio -
TR (AGED): Hey there. It's Hup Hooper. Remember? I used to play Junior. You and I started out in radio together.
GK: To see people my own age in such terrible shape. What a downer.
SS (OLD): We used to date, remember? It's Lucy. I think you're sitting on my dentures.
GK: Everytime I come away from the Bob Home in Bobville, I have to have my medication adjusted.
TK: (CLINK) I'm going to inject this Prozac directly into your eyeball, Mr. Wyler. Hold steady. Steady. (MUSIC)
GK: I almost got into television about fifteen years ago, and then before my audition I went to have my hair cut and it wasn't my regular barber.
TR: (SWEDISH GIBBERISH for "So how do you like it then?")
GK: What did you do to me?? I said just a little off the sides! It's hideous. You shaved it all around. I look like a convicted felon.
TR: (SWEDISH GIBBERISH for "I accept complete responsibility for the utter disaster that is your hair. It is entirely my fault and I am ashamed.")
GK: Well, I should say. You should be ashamed. What were you trying to do?
TR (SWEDISH GIBBERISH for "It is my fault entirely, but I tried to give you a haircut that we call HIP HOP")
GK: Hip hop! You've ruined me. I'll never get into television now.
TR (SWEDISH GIBBERISH APOLOGY) (MUSIC)
GK: I did the audition and they offered me a job as a host of a kiddie show ...
SS: I love the hair! - we'll put a big red beezer on you and droopy pants and we'll call you Uncle Boo Boo - what do you say?
GK: So I stayed in radio - forty-five years this fall. Quite a record. Thanks to medications and a positive attitude (CHORD) ... Last night I went up to the Empire State Building and looked out over Manhattan on a cloudy misty night and it was just stupendous ... a fabulous sight ...
TR (DAD): Boy, you don't see something like that every day now, do you.
GK: That's for sure.
TR (DAD): Must take a whole lot of people to clean all those offices and things down there, I'd say, don't you think? Quite a job. Yes sir.
GK: I would think so.
TR (DAD): Hey - lookit there. Record Your Voice - Sixty Seconds for $1.50.
GK: Look at that.
TR (DAD): How about you record something for your mother?
GK: I'd be glad to.
TR (DAD): Okay. Lemme get the money out here ... (DINGS OF QUARTERS IN SLOT) ... Okay. Go. (BIG BAND ARRANGEMENT)
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam
To shine for him each day.
In every way try to please him
At work, at school, at play.
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
Jesus wants me for a sunbeam.
A sunbeam, a sunbeam,
I'll be a sunbeam for him.
(INST FIDDLE AND CHORUS REPEAT)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor