(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky, FP: Faith Prince, WB: Walter Bobbie)
(FOOTSTEPS ON PAVEMENT, TRAFFIC AMBIENCE, PASSERS-BY)
GK: West 43rd Street. Just off Times Square. I used to walk down this street to go to school. Used to stop here every morning and get a Moxie. Right here. It's a copying place now but it used to be Rico's Newsstand. Rico used to stand in the doorway and wait for me. (TR ITALIAN GREETING) My mother, on opening nights, used to send down to Rico's for the early editions of the Herald and the Post and the Tribune so she could pretend not to read the reviews. (FP: What do they know? Critics! Idiots. All of them. GK: But they love you, Mom! They said you dazzled, you made the theater come alive. FP: What do they know about life? Nothing. It's like being loved by chipmunks in the park.) My mother was the star of stage and screen, Florence Flambeau, and she and I lived in that hotel there, the Oglalla Sioux Hotel, in a suite full of Chinese vases and fresh cut flowers on the thirty-third floor - that was our home except for the month of August when we went up to Maine -
FP: Make sure you label those trunks right, Buddy. Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin, Maine.
GK: Where does that name come from, Mom?
FP: Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin? It's a Penobscot word. I think it means, "the place of childhood memories where I go and once again feel I am at the center of the world" ---- something like that.
GK: But for me the center of the world wasn't a cabin in Maine, it was West 43rd Street, and every morning (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE) I'd walk to school past Rico's and past the back door of Le Cote Nord restaurant where one of the waiters stood smoking a black cigarette (TR FRENCH GREETING, WHILE HOLDING SMOKE IN). My mother, when she was in rehearsal, always sent over to Le Cote Nord for a late-night supper of Blue Point oysters and champagne and artichoke hearts. (FP: That's the big reason your mother has never had a cold. Never. Never missed a show. Fourteen seasons on Broadway. Never missed so much as a matinee. No sore throats. No problems with phlegm when you eat oysters, Buddy. Remember that.) Then I'd cut through Grand Central Station (WB BIG REVERB: The Twentieth Century Limited for Chicago with connections to Los Angeles and intermediate stops....now leaving on Track 11.....All aboard!) (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE) and I'd head east along Forty-third, past the Bombay Cafe (TR INDIAN: Good morning, little Buddy. Oh yes, a very good morning.) My mother, before every performance, liked to have a plate of extra spicy shrimp tandoori (FP: Clears out the upper respiratory system, Buddy. Nothing like it. SHE VOCALIZES). (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE) A block east of the Bombay Cafe was the Swedish Embassy, where the doorman Ingemar always said hello to me. (TR SWEDISH GREETING). And next to the Embassy was my school, Eastwich. And my teacher, Miss Quickly.
SS (NYER): Today, class, we're going to begin our unit on the Upper Mississippi, and we'll be starting with the state of Minnesota. How many of you can find Minnesota on the map? Buddy?
GK: It was a strange map. I'd never seen it before. It was as foreign to me as Queens, or Staten Island.
SS (NYER): Can you find the Mississippi River, Buddy?
GK: There was a big cluster of lakes at the top, and rivers all over the place.
SS (NYER): It's right here. And here's Minnesota.
GK: It was a sort of K-shaped state up at the top.
SS (NYER): What can you tell the class about Minnesota, Buddy?
GK: It's flat. SS: (NYER) What else?
GK: It gets real cold there.
SS: (NYER) Yes---
GK: They grow corn.
SS: (NYER) And what else?
(MUSIC)
GK: What I knew about Minnesota, I didn't dare tell the class, frankly. It was something I had learned when I was twelve years old.
FP: There's someone very special here to see you, Buddy. Your grandmother. Grandma Wyler. From Minnesota.
GK: Grandmother??? from Minnesota?
FP: She came all the way out to New York to see you.
WB (GRANDMA): Hi there, Buddy. It's Grandma. I brought you some cookies. Cheese cookies.
GK: I didn't know I had a grandmother----
FP: Say hello, Buddy.
WB (GRANDMA): Hi, Buddy. You sure look a lot like your daddy. Look like you got the dickens in you. Mercy, yes.
GK: Hi, Grandma. ---- (TO MOM) Minnesota????
FP: That's where your father was from, yes.
WB (GRANDMA): Why don't you come over here and give your grandma a big hug, Buddy? And I'll give you some cheese curds.
GK: She was big and fat and had snowy white hair and wore a print dress and orthopedic shoes and she smelled of a terrible perfume and I went over and made myself put my arms around her.
WB (GRANDMA): Oh, that's so nice. So nice. So good to meet you at last, Buddy. I wanted to come see you before you go off for your vacation up in Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin. Here, I brought you a souvenir.
GK: It was a small plastic rodent with big teeth.
WB (GRANDMA): That's a gopher, Buddy. And here--- help yourself to these cheese curds. They're real tasty. Have a handful.
GK: They were yellow and half melted and rancid and the sight of them disgusted me.
WB (GRANDMA): Go ahead. They won't bite you!
FP: Say thank you, Buddy.
GK: Thank you, Grandma.
WB (GRANDMA): Why, you're welcome, Buddy. You're as welcome as the flowers in the spring.
(MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: Grandma stayed with us at the hotel for two weeks and they were the longest two weeks of my life. She insisted on playing Parcheesi every night and she watched soap operas all day ---
WB (GRANDMA): I tell you, that "Guiding Light" is so true to life, it's hard to believe that they're actors. Don't you think? Their facial expressions and their hand gestures and so forth ---- so realistic. I get so caught up in their problems, my stomach gets tied in knots. Mercy-- -- get me a bicarbonate, won't you?
(MUSIC)
GK: It was such a relief when she went home. (WB GRANDMA: Bye now!!) And finally I had Mother to myself. School let out at 3:30 ----
SS (NYER): Bye, Buddy. See you tomorrow.
GK: Bye, Miss Quickly. ----And I headed west. (FOOTSTEPS ON PAVEMENT, TRAFFIC AMBIENCE, PASSERS-BY) Past the Swedish Embassy and Ingemar (TR SWEDISH GREETING) and the Bombay Cafe (TR INDIAN: Good afternoon, little Buddy. Oh yes, a very very good afternoon indeed.) and through Grand Central Station (WB BIG REVERB: The Twentieth Century Limited....now arriving from Chicago on Track 11..) (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE) And west on 43rd past the back door of Le Cote Nord restaurant (TR FRENCH GREETING) and past Rico's Newsstand (TR ITALIAN GREETING) and into the magnificent mahogany-paneled lobby of the Oglalla Sioux Hotel (FOOTSTEPS) and past the bellboys --- (TK: Hey, Buddy. TR: Hi ya, Buddy. TK DEEP: Hi Buddy) and onto the elevator (SS: Hello, Buddy.) and up to the thirty-third floor (DING, DOORS OPEN) where, unless it was a Wednesday and Mother had a matinee, she was there to greet me, sitting on the divan, sipping coffee, reading scripts. FP: Hi, Buddy. How was school today? GK: Okay. How's the scripts?
FP: Terrible. (SHE THROWS ONE ASIDE) Cornball stuff. Sentimental. No sophistication whatsoever. Where is Noel Coward when you need him!! Look at this. Oklahoma! Who wants to go see a musical about cowboys?? This is New York! Can you imagine if I stood up on stage and sang, "The corn is as high as an elephant's eye....." ---- they'd laugh me out of the theater.
GK: You want to go up to the park, Mom? It's nice out.
FP: I can't, Buddy. Harry is coming over.
GK: Oh.
FP: But you go.
GK: I thought we could go for a walk together. And talk.
FP: I'll have one of the bellboys take you.
GK: Never mind.
FP: Here's a twenty. Tell Jack to take you to the park and buy you an ice cream and keep the change.
GK: I don't want to go.
FP: Well, don't mope around here. Harry and I have important things to talk about.
(FOOTSTEPS, ACROSS PARQUET FLOOR)
(MUSIC)
GK: I adored my mother. She was so beautiful. But for some reason, she felt she always had to have a man around to and Harry was the latest. A producer. With little weaselly eyes and a sharkskin suit and plastic teeth and a shiny toupee.
WB: Hey, hey, hey---- it's the old Buddy boy---- put her there, champ---- give your Uncle Harry the old one-two, Buddy! Remember that one I taught you--- "Let's do the old soft shoe....On Park Avenue....And sing an old love tune beneath a New York Moon....Me....and.....You.---- What show's that from?? Huh? Name the show, the star, and the date of the opening.
GK: I don't want to.
WB: Come on! Name it. Two bucks.
GK: "Moon Over Manhattan," Diana L'Etoile, 1938.
WB: Hey. That's my boy. That's my buddy boy! Huh? Huh? Is he smart or what? Hey hey hey. Afternoon, sweetheart. (WB AND FP CHEEK KISSES) Hey, you smell terrific. Terrific. You hear the news? Did you hear the news? Huh?
FP: What news?
WB: Listen to her. "What news" she says. What news. Well, lemme tell you what news. Mr. Frosty wants you for their fall campaign for the brand-new Mr. Frosty Automatic Defrost Refrigerator. Isn't that something? Huh? huh? huh? Mr. Frosty!
FP: I'm gonna do refrigerator commercials?
WB: It's a pile of money and it's major exposure. You'll love it. And that's not all. Irving Berlin called me today and he said, "Harry, I'm on my knees. I'm on my knees, Harry. It's Irving and I'm begging. On my knees. I need Miss Flambeau in the fall for my new musical. I'm on my knees. It's the life of Gertrude Stein. It's called 'Alice, Get Your Gun'. And guess who he wants you to play? Huh? Whaddaya think? Huh? Gertrude Stein. You'd be Gertrude Stein, Florence.
FP: I sort of recall that she was a kind of heavyset woman----
WB: There are ten thousand actresses in New York would kill for that part. Kill for it. And you got it, baby. You are going to be Gertrude Stein. And guess what else? Huh? Guess. M.G.M. wants you for their new dance extravaganza, "Tippy Toes".
FP: Oh, that's wonderful. Isn't that wonderful, Buddy?
WB: I've asked Louie to sweeten the offer a little but we'll start filming in three months. And guess what? I'll be producing.
FP: Oh, that's wonderful, darling!!
WB: We'll be together, Sugar. You and me. And maybe before we go into production, we could slip away for a week or so ----up to Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin. Whaddaya say? Huh? What's wrong?
FP: Shhhh. Shh.
WB: Oh. ---- Sorry.------ (BRIGHTLY, TO BUDDY) So how's school coming, Buddy Boy? Your mother says you're a whiz at math. Huh? Is that right? Huh?
(MUSIC)
GK: Right then, I knew that the world had fallen apart. She was going to go with Harry. Because he could get her work. And that night, after he went home.....
FP: We need to talk, Buddy. You and me.
GK: Okay----
FP: I love you, Buddy. You're the whole world to me.
GK: Right.
FP: You know that, don't you? I love you more than anything.
GK: Sure. Right.
FP: But momma has to go to California for three months and make a movie, Buddy.
GK: Right.
FP: And I can't take you with me because--- because---
GK: Because you want to shack up with Harry.
FP: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. I can't take you with me because I'll be working from dawn to late at night and I think it'd be better for you to go out to Grandma in Minnesota----
GK: Minnesota! Oh no!
FP: It's nice out there. You'll get to live on the farm and learn all about the animals and you'll meet all of your cousins.....
GK: I'm afraid of animals----
FP: And you'll get plenty of fresh air and grow up big and strong----
GK: I hate fresh air----
FP: And then I'll see you next summer in Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin.
GK: Minnesota. My heart shrank at the thought. The land of cheese and blizzards. (MUSIC. TRAIN CHUGGING OVER THE MUSIC) So out I went. And next thing you knew. (BLIZZARD) Snow and wind and cold.....
WB (GRANDMA): Christmas is on the way, Buddy. Time to get started on those cookies! Which should we do first? Chocolate chip or the peanut butter?
GK: Mom sent me a check for Christmas and said she was too busy to go back to New York for Christmas....
FP (AS WRITING): M.G.M. wants me for another musical, and then I have a national tour of "Tippy Toes" but as soon as things settle down, you can come out here and live with Harry and me here in Bel Air. Maybe next fall....
GK: But after that, it was something else, and the years passed and I got to be thirteen and fourteen and fifteen and sixteen-----
WB (GRANDMA): Why you haven't said a word all day today, Buddy. My heavens. When you came out here, you talked a blue streak, and now you're getting to be just like one of us.
GK: Grandma was right. I wasn't a New Yorker anymore.
WB (GRANDMA): How about we pop some popcorn and deal the cards for Old Maid and have us a wild old time? What do you say?
(MUSIC)
GK: I knew I was never going to make it back to West 43rd Street. Mother wrote less and less often, and one day she wrote:
FP (AS WRITING): Harry and I have decided to sell the cabin at Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin, Buddy. It was too far to go all that way just for a few weeks. We have a place in Aspen now. I hope you can come see it someday.
GK: I mainly saw Mom on television, doing refrigerator commercials.
(ELEGANT MUSIC)
FP: The compartments in the door hold eggs and butter and condiments and lots more! And just look at all the room in this convenient vegetable crisper. And Mr. Frosty comes in your choice of white, aqua, or lime green.
GK: And that's why when I come back here, I'm coming home. Because of Rico's Newsstand (TR ITALIAN GREETING) and Le Cote Nord restaurant (TR FRENCH GREETING) and the Bombay Cafe (TR INDIAN: Good day to you, little Buddy. Oh my yes.) and the Embassy (TR SWEDISH GREETING) and of course Grand Central Station (WB BIG REVERB: The Down Easter Limited....now leaving on Track 11.....for Bangor, Augusta, Brooklyn, Bar Harbor, and PISCACADAWADAQUODDYMOGGIN. ALL ABOARD.)
(BAND PLAYOFF)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor