(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--- Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UP AND OUT)
GK: It was the end of November, and already my sister Georgina had called me up to ask if I was coming for Christmas. I told her I couldn't, which is the truth in a certain sense, in the sense that I would kill not to have to. Georgina is sort of the midwestern Martha Stewart --- everything is perfect, the food is perfect, the decor is perfect, and everything makes you perfectly miserable. So I was on the lookout for any excuse to leave St. Paul and stay away until January. Everytime the phone rang (RING), I leaped to answer it. (PICK UP) Yeah, Noir here.
SS (SOUTHERN): Am I speaking to Mr. Guy Noir, the noted investigator?
GK: Yes, you are, ma'am, and you just tell me where to go, Memphis, Natchez, Savannah, I'll be there.
SS (SOUTHERN): Oh, I don't need you to come here, I need to know what the temperature up there is so I know if I should bring my polar bearskin rug when I come and dance at the Tip Top Club.
GK: Well, if you ask me, ma'am, a polar bearskin rug is always in fashion. (BRIDGE) She had a voice you could use for pie filling and it was tempting to think about seeing her dance but then I thought of Georgina and her wreaths of bronzed weeds and seed pods, and I knew I had to get away. (PHONE RING, PICK UP) Yeah. Noir here.
TK (LARRY): Guy?
GK: Larry?
TK (LARRY): Hey. Pretty good. How'd you remember me?
GK: You're pretty memorable, Larry.
TK (LARRY): You got a couple minutes to talk?
GK: Larry, I have so much time it's embarrassing.
TK (LARRY): You know about my online company, Larry dot com. com?
GK: Right. The matchmaking service for recluses.
TK (LARRY): Right. We're having a stock offering in a week or so, and I'm expecting to get about fifteen million dollars from it and I need somebody to put it into diamonds and gold coins and help me get it to the Bahamas.
GK: Larry, are you on some kind of medication?
TK (LARRY): No, I'm not.
GK: Well, maybe you ought to be. Larry, your company isn't worth fifteen hundred dollars. Wake up and smell the coffee. You're just a guy in the basement.
TK (LARRY): This is how Bill Gates started. He was weird too.
GK: Get over it, Larry.
TK (LARRY): His office was next to the washtubs. He used a clothes dryer for a file drawer.
GK: Get some rest, Larry. Take a pill. Take two. (HANGS UP PHONE) I could see it was turning out to be one of those days. I put on my coat and headed over to the Five Spot. (DOOR OPEN, MUSIC, FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): Hey, Guy, how's it going?
GK: Hiya, Jimmy. Not so bad. How's yourself?
TR (JIMMY): Hey. Couldn't be better. It's holiday time. Time when all the Five Spot patrons traditionally put a little cash gift, twenty, fifty bucks, into an envelope and give it to their bartender as a way of saying, "Hey, thanks you for your friendship over the past year. And for that little extra slosh after the shot glass was filled."
GK: I see. When did this tradition start? I don't remember it.
TR (JIMMY): The holiday gift to the bartender?
GK: I don't remember it.
TR (JIMMY): You know, I've heard of that happening to guys your age.
GK: When did this start?
TR (JIMMY): I get a little gift from a lot of patrons every year. But, hey. You want to stiff your bartender, that's up to you, Guy.
GK: I didn't say that----
TR: It's a gift. It's not obligatory. If you don't feel like it, that's up to you. Excuse me. (HE MOVES AWAY)
GK: Where you going?
TR (OFF): I need to be by myself for a moment. (DOOR CLOSE, OFF)
GK: Oh for pity sakes. This is what I hate about Christmas. The obligations. (PHONE RING) All the people with their hands out. (RING) Hey, Jimmy. Your phone is ringing! (PAUSE. PHONE RING) (GK SIGH. FOOTSTEPS. RING. PICK UP) Yeah, this is the Five Spot.
TR (ON PHONE): (SWEDISH GIBBERISH ENDING IN "GUY NOIR")
GK: This is Guy Noir.
TR: (SWEDISH GIBBERISH ENDING IN "new YORK")
GK: You're going to be in New York? When?
TR: (GIBBERISH ENDING IN "YOOLIE-FEST")
GK: Christmas....uh huh....
TR: (GIBBERISH ENDING IN SUGGESTIVE GUTTURAL SOUNDS)
GK: You're going to see your girlfriend there----
TR: (GIBBERISH ENDING IN "COUGAR DUKE")
GK: Aha. And you want tickets to see the Broadway hit, "Cougar Duke".
TR: (AFFIRMATIVE AND GIBBERISH ENDING IN HIGH-PITCHED MURMURS SUGGESTING SEMI-HOPELESSNESS)
GK: I see. And "Cougar Duke" is sold out far in advance. No tickets left, huh?
TR: (GIBBERISH, SAD)
GK: Okay. Well, listen, Svend. I'm gonna have to go to New York to get those tickets and it's probably going to take me a week. Okay?
TR: (GIBBERISH, AFFIRMATIVE)
GK: A week at $200 per day, plus airfare, plus a suite at the Carlyle. How about it?
TR: (GIBBERISH, RELUCTANT YES)
GK: Good. You won't regret it. See you on the Great White Way, pal. (HANG UP) So there it was. My chance to get to New York. (FOOTSTEPS)
TR (JIMMY): What can I get for you, Guy?
GK: I'd like a glass of your best Scotch.
TR: Well.....I got this 57-year-old Malcolm McMalcolm....matured in charred fishing boats filled with peat, and with a nice rich bouquet with hints of hot toast, licorice, lamb roast, and butter pecan ice cream.
GK: Sounds good to me.
TR: You care for a glass?
GK: Sure. Give me some on the rocks.
TR: On the rocks? They spend fifty-seven years taking the water out of the whiskey, you want me to put it back in the form of ice cubes?
GK: Okay. I'll have it straight up.
TR: That's better. (POURING)
GK: You know that Broadway show, "Cougar Duke," Jimmy?
TR: Of course. Everybody does.
GK: Big sell-out, I hear.
TR: People're ordering tickets for years from now. People're ordering Lifetime tickets.
GK: Lifetime tickets----
TR: Right. No date, but they guarantee that sometime in your lifetime----
GK: Is that right? Incredible.
TR: It's the hottest ticket on Broadway.
GK: Have you seen it?
TR: "Cougar Duke"? Sure. Saw it twice.
GK: How'd you get in?
TR: My cousin Julie.
GK: Oh?
TR: She's in the show.
GK: Really.
TR: She plays a badger.
GK: Interesting.
TR: Eight years she's been in the show. Wearing those little whiskers, that little fur suit.
GK: I guess it gets in your blood.
TR: She's in two scenes. The opening parade and the dance around the woodpile in Act III.
GK: I hear it's quite a spectacle.
TR: She does a tango with a muskrat. He says, "You're a pretty good dancer for a badger." And she says, "You're not so badger self."
GK: Uh huh.
TR: That's her only line in the show.
GK: It's a cute one.
TR: "You're not so badger self." She studied theater at Yale. Starred in Shakespeare. Ibsen. Chekhov. Wrote her master's thesis on Restoration comedy. Everybody predicted big things for Julie. Now she's been playing a badger for eight years.
GK: You wouldn't happen to have her phone number?
TR: I might.
GK: Here. This is for you, Jimmy. Go ahead. Take it. Just a little gift to show my gratitude for your friendship, your wise counsel, your cousin's telephone number.
TR: Here. Hope she's in a good mood. (BRIDGE)
GK: I called the number the next day about noon New York time and let it ring about forty times before she answered.....
SS (ON PHONE): Yeah? who is this?
GK: Julie?
SS (ON PHONE): Yeah? who is it? Mike?
GK: It's a very close personal friend of your cousin Jimmy, Julie.
SS (ON PHONE): Jimmy! You mean the bartender??
GK: Right. He said that---- SS (ON PHONE): You tell that big weasel he still owes me for that soda he spilled on my dress. What a welsher.
GK: Actually, I was kidding there, Julie. It's Mike.
SS (ON PHONE): I thought it was you!!
GK: And you were right.
SS (ON PHONE): How come you didn't say so?
GK: Just kidding around, Julie.
SS (ON PHONE): And how come you didn't call me a week ago when you said you were going to call?
GK: I've been busy. Sorry. You know how it is.
SS (ON PHONE): What about "Minneapolis"?
GK: What about it?
SS (ON PHONE): Well?
GK: It's still there.
SS (ON PHONE): What are you talking about? Did you get me the part or not?
GK: A part in Minneapolis?
SS (ON PHONE): You said I could be Doris. Doris the gangster's mistress.
GK: Uh huh.
SS (ON PHONE): And I'd get billing above the title.
GK: Oh. "Minneapolis" the show.
SS (ON PHONE): Of course, "Minneapolis" the show. The spin-off of "Chicago". What did ya think I was talkin about?
GK: Listen. Julie. I'll do everything I can to get you that part, believe me, but you got to do me a little favor first.
SS (ON PHONE): I already done you all kinds of favors, Mike.
GK: I need one more.
SS (ON PHONE): What is it?
GK: I need a couple tickets to "Cougar Duke".
SS (ON PHONE): (PAUSE) You're asking me?? Mike, you're the executive producer of "Cougar Duke". You can't get tickets?
GK: Well, it's a long story.....
SS (ON PHONE): Mike, you're one of the biggest names in the entertainment business today. I mean, when people hear the name of---- of---- I mean, people anywhere in the world, when they hear the name of-- --
GK: When they hear the name of what?
SS (ON PHONE): Your name, Mike, it's synonymous with wealth and power and----
GK: I've got a confession to make, Julie.
SS (ON PHONE): What's that?
GK: I've got some tickets at the box office under my name. And I've forgotten my name.
SS (ON PHONE): Amnesia?
GK: Amnesia.
SS (ON PHONE): Where are you?
GK: I'm not sure. In a Holiday Inn somewhere. South Dakota, I think. My billfold's gone and my suit pockets are full of some kind of custard. I need your help, honey. Can you just give me my home telephone number so I can call home, darling? Can you do that for Mike? (MUSIC BRIDGE) She gave me five home telephone numbers. One in Palm Springs, one in Malibu, one in Aspen, one on the Upper East Side, and one in Vermont. I tried the one in Malibu. (RINGS, PICKUP)
TK (ON PHONE): Yeah?
GK: Mike? TK (ON PHONE): Right. Who's this?
GK: Mike, it's the White House calling. Please stay on the line for the President. (CLICK) I put him on hold and I visualized Bill Clinton. The white hair, the swollen nose, the soulful eyes, the lip bite, and I did my best impression. (CLICK)
TR (CLINTON): Hey, Mike, how you doing there, buddy? How's Malibu? You play golf yet today?
TK (ON PHONE): No, not yet, Mr. President.
TR (CLINTON): Listen, buddy, I got a big favor to ask. The Swedish prime minister is coming to New York in a couple weeks and he needs a couple tickets to "Cougar Duke". Can you do it for me?
TK (ON PHONE): What's his last name, Mr. President?
TR (CLINTON): What's the last name of the Swedish prime minister?
TK (ON PHONE): Yes, sir.
TR (CLINTON): Let me get back to you on that, okay? (MUSIC BRIDGE)
GK: I called back with the name and got that straightened out, and then thought maybe I'd like to see "Cougar Duke" too, so I called back and pretended to be Roberto Benigni----
TR (ROBERTO): (BIG ECSTATIC ITALIAN GIBBERISH, WITH "COUGAR DUCE" AT END)
(MUSIC)
GK: And I called up the airline and booked my seat and booked the hotel and had all my ducks lined up in a row and then---- who should come by but Sugar.....(DOOR OPEN) (FOOTSTEPS)
SS (SUGAR): Oh, hi, Guy. How's everything? GK: Everything's great, Sugar. Hey, Jimmy----- bring Sugar one of those pink ladies she likes so much....
TR (OFF): One pink lady, coming up.
GK: You taking off on a trip or something, Sugar? How come the suitcase?
SS (SUGAR): I toldja about this trip weeks ago, Guy. I'm going with the governor.
GK: Jesse's going on another trip? SS (SUGAR): Yeah, we talked him into going to Mexico on a trade mission.
GK: I see.
SS (SUGAR): We're going to try to trade him for one of their governors.
GK: Good luck.
SS (SUGAR): And you promised you'd take care of Mr. Snuggums.
GK: What? me?
SS (SUGAR): Mr. Snuggums loves you, Guy. He's been looking forward to this for weeks. Haven't you, Mr. Snuggums? (MEOW) He's my pride and joy, Guy. Thirty-two years old and he's had kidney transplants and a couple back operations and his cataracts removed but he's still my baby, aren't you? (MEOW) Yes, you are.
GK: When are you coming back, Sugar?
SS (SUGAR): Three weeks.
GK: Three weeks!!!
SS (SUGAR): It's going to take a long time to convince those people....
GK: Listen, how about my sister Georgina ---- she loves cats----
SS (SUGAR): Mr. Snuggums loves you, Guy. Don't you, baby? (MEOW) Take good care of him, Guy. If anything happens, I'll never speak to you again in my life. And I mean it. (FOOTSTEPS OFF, DOOR CLOSE, JINGLE)
GK: So what you looking at? (MEOW) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
TR (JIMMY): Here's your pink lady.
GK: Thanks. And how about a Manhattan for me, Jimmy?
TR (FADING): One Manhattan.
GK: Manhattan. Thought I was going to get there this time. (CAT LAPS DRINK) It's a hell of a town, Mr. Snuggums. You think you might like to stay at the Carlyle? See a show? (CAT HICCUPS) It's the good life, Mr. Snuggums. (MUSIC)
TR: A dark night in the city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)