(GK: Garrison Keillor, SS: Sue Scott, TK: Tom Keith, TR: Tim Russell, RD: Rich Dworsky)
(WESTERN THEME. HORSE, COWS, WHOOPS)
TR: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS ... brought to you by Wild Bill Brand Skin Moisturizer ... the natural cactus cream that helps heal bruises from fistfights so you're still attractive to the gal you were fighting over - As we join Dusty and Lefty, we find them on the trail to Rapid City ...
(OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, CATTLE NEARBY)
GK: Another hour or two, we oughta be in Rapid, Dusty.
TR: Yep.
GK: Nice town.
TR: Yep.
GK: Which one of us is going to stay in the hotel and which one stay out on the lonesome prairie with the cattle?
TR: Well, you're the light sleeper, pardner.
GK: So I ought to take the hotel, huh?
TR: No, you oughta stay with the cattle cause you'd wake up easier if something dreadful was to happen.
GK: Yeah but probably I'd lie awake all night thinking about what might happen and then if something dreadful did happen, I'd be too worn out to do anything about it. You follow me?
TR: No.
GK: Anyway the cows like you better.
TR: Oh, I don't think that's so.
GK: Sure, they do, Dusty. You're nicer to em than I am, I'm always hollerin' at 'em and kickin' 'em and bangin' 'em with dirt clods, and you always treat 'em with the respect that they deserve.
TR: Those cows like you a lot.
GK: They never hang around me like they do around you.
TR: They're afraid of you, that's why.
GK: They love you. You're the first cowboy I've seen to whisper to cows.
TR: You saw that?
GK: The first cow whisperer.
TR: You see that little heifer over there? The one with the black spot over her left eye?
GK: Yeah?
TR: I been teaching her tricks. Like when I whisper to her, she'll look up at me and move her lips.
GK: What good is that?
TR: Animals that can move their lips can get up to $10,000 a day in the movies.
GK: Is that right?
TR: Look at this. Watch. (TO COW, WHISPERING) Pssssttt! You see that? See how she looked at me. Now, look - (TO COW, WHISPERING) Talk to Daddy, Claudette - You see that? How she moved her lips? You see?
GK: Cows move their lips all the time, Dusty.
TR: Not like that, they don't. Not on cue. Not with that expressiveness in their faces ... you put that cow in a scene, you have Bette Midler do the voice-over, you got yourself a star cow.
GK: You been on the trail too long, pardner.
TR: I'm serious.
GK: I think we better check the water in your canteen ... hey, who's this?
(HORSES HOOVES APPROACH, AT A GALLOP. TK WHOAS, HORSE SLOWS, STOPS. CHUFFS.)
TK: Hey, you two headin' for Rapid City?
GK: Reckon so.
TK: Mind if I ride along with y'?
GK: What's your name?
TK: They call me the Breakwind Kid.
GK: I see. There any reason behind that particular nickname?
TK: No, just a name they call me.
GK: Okay.
TR: You wouldn't happen to be looking for a job, would ya?
TK: I might.
TR: Me and my pardner are looking for a qualified person to look after our cattle tonight out on the range, so we can stay in town.
TK: Okay.
GK: You ever herd cattle before?
TK: I just set upwind of 'em. No problem.
TR: Good. It's a deal?
TK: It's a deal.
GK: Great. Let's move 'em out. (GK & TK WHOOP TO THE CATTLE. MOOING, BELLOWING, AS HERD MOVES.)
TR (WHISPERING TO BEBE): Psssttt. Talk to Daddy, baby. Daddy loves you, baby. (SHOCKED PAUSE, THEN...)
TK: What'd he just say?
GK: He wasn't talking to you.
TK: He better not be.
GK: He ain't.
TK: Who's he talking to? you?
GK: No! He's talking to a cow. The one with the black spot on her eye.
TK: Oh. Well, that's different. She's kind of a looker, ain't she. Pretty eyes. They look at you that way. They're hard to resist. (MUSIC BRIDGE) (HORSE'S HOOVES. WHOAS. HORSES WHINNY, CHUFF.)
GK: Well, here we are. The Rapid City Ritz. You and me will have our dinner, Kid, and then you can head out to the herd and relieve Dusty.
TK: I don't care for the food here. They serve everything on a bed of Basmati rice. Gives me real bad gas.
GK: Okay. Where you want to go for dinner then?
TK: How about the Yellow Dog saloon over there? (CHOKES UP) Excuse me.
GK: What's wrong?
TK: (CONSTRICTED VOICE) Nothing....
GK: You're about to cut one, aren't you?
TK: (CONSTRICTED) Just got a funny feeling, kinda like a high pressure front moving through my lower intestine.
GK: You get over there - get away from me - (EXPLOSIONS, HORSES WHINNY) Oh my gosh. (HE COUGHS) Smells worse than the night the turkey barn burned down. (GASPS)
TK: Boy, that feels good to get that out of your system.
GK: It'd be nice if you gave a little more warning.
TK: Man, those were little ones. You oughta smell 'em when I really get cranked up.
GK: You all done now?
TK: All done.
GK: Okay. Let's go in the saloon. (FOOTSTEPS ON BOARDWALK) But let me know when you start to feel em, okay?....(STOP) And let's sit by a window. (DOOR OPEN. CAMPTOWN RACES. SALOON AMBIENCE. DOOR CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS. CARD GAME IN PASSING. FOOTSTEPS. AND STOP.)
SS: Yeah? What is it?
GK: We come in here for dinner, ma'am.
SS: Table for two?
GK: Yes, ma'am.
SS: Smoking or non-smoking?
GK: I don't think we ought to be anywhere near an open flame, ma'am. You got something by a window?
SS: How about right here?
GK: Fine. (CHAIRS SCRAPE, CREAK AS THEY SIT DOWN)
SS: Can I bring you gentlemen something from the bar?
GK: What kinda whiskey you got, ma'am?
SS: What kinda whiskey we got? We got three kinds. We got cheap rotgut, we got cheap rotgut lite, and we got cheap rotgut premium - so rotten and cheap you sprinkle some outside your camp and it keeps the skunks away.
GK: Which kind you want, Kid?
TK: Gimme the premium.
SS: Okay, one rotgut premium. And you?
GK: Would you have cranberry juice with soda and a little Campari?
SS: Campari? I can order that for you, it'd get here in two to three weeks.
GK: Never mind. I'll have the rotgut lite.
SS: (FADING) One premium, one lite.
GK: You sure rotgut doesn't rile up your stomach, Kid?
TK: Naw. Rotgut settles me down.
GK: I can't help but notice that since we set down here, most of the clientele has moved over to the other side of the room, Kid.
TK: Huh. I didn't notice.
(SS APPROACHING. SETS DOWN GLASSES)
SS: One premium rotgut. One rotgut lite.
GK: Thank you, ma'am.
SS: You want to order your dinner right away?
GK: Sure. You got any specials?
SS: We got three of 'em. We got a hot raccoon with swiss on rye, we got the braised badger on a bagel, and we got the pocket gopher in pita bread.
TK: Gimme that pocket gopher in pita bread. Extra rare. Gopher tartare.
SS: You care for an appetizer with that? We got hogslop soup, we got sauteed crickets on crackers, we got chickadee fingers, we got toad legs, we got cockroaches on the half shell, we got -
GK: Could you maybe just whisper the specials to him, ma'am? I'm feeling a little queasy.
SS: Okay. (SS WHISPERS, TK UH-HUHs)
TK: I'll have that! The buttered batskins....
SS: One order of buttered batskins and one pocket gopher in pita bread. Anything for you, sir?
GK: You got a hamburger?
SS: Sure. We got our badgerburger, our weaselburger, our....
GK: How about you just bring me a bun and hold the burger?
SS: Okay. One bun, coming up.
GK: How about fries with that?
SS: Fried what? We got...
GK: Never mind. Just the bun. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
TK: Well, here's to you. Whatcha say your name is?
GK: Lefty.
TK: Here's to you, Lefty. (CLINK) Down the hatch. (HE SWALLOWS. HARD EXHALE. SHAKES CHEEKS AND LONG RISING WHOOP. SMASHES GLASS. WHOOPS.) Now that's what I call good rotgut whiskey. (BLOWS AND SHAKES CHEEKS) Go ahead, pardner, try yours.
GK: Okay. (HE SWALLOWS. EXHALES.) Pretty good. Darned good rotgut. I like it. Good long finish, nice bouquet of rusted pipes and old tires and rotted wood. Darned good.
TK: You want to try mine?
GK: Hey - Kid - behind you - psssst -
TK: Huh? Who're you, mister?
TR (JIMMY STEWART): You see this star I'm wearing? This is not costume jewelery. I'm the sheriff.
GK: If you're the sheriff, how come you're wearing that mask?
TR (JIMMY STEWART): With the Breakwind Kid in town, you gotta wear a mask.
GK: So you know him?
TR (JIMMY STEWART): Sure do. And he's wanted in three states for using explosives without a license.
TK: It ain't my fault, it's something I was born with.
TR (JIMMY STEWART): Told you to leave town, Kid. And I meant it.
TK: I like it here. If you people'd just leave me alone - it's tension that causes the problem - (CONSTRAINED) And boy, do I feel tense right now ... I feel real tense.
(CROWD RUNNING, SHOUTS, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SLAM)
GK: You about to cut loose, Kid?
TK (TENSE): I don't think so.
GK: Good. You relax.
TK (TENSE): I'm trying to relax.
GK: Good. Take a good deep breath.
TK (TENSE): I don't want to breathe too deep.
GK: No, just a nice cleansing breath.
TK: I think I'm okay now.
GK: Good. Looks like we're alone. I don't think you're going to get your batskins or your pocket gopher in pita bread ... The kitchen staff all cleared out.
TK: Let's go see. (SERIES OF FOOTSTEPS, SWINGING DOOR OPEN AND CREAKS AND CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS)
GK: They're all gone.
TK: Is that my order of batskins there in the fryer? (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Be careful, that's hot fat, Kid.
TK: Don't those look tasty!
GK: And your pocket gopher is over there in the frying pan. (FOOTSTEPS. SOUND OF FRYING)
TK: Looks nice, don't it.
GK: I smell something.
TK: Don't leave me, too?
GK: You're leaking, pal.
TK: You're the only friend I got, Lefty!
GK: I know, but....
TK: (CONSTRICTED) I got that tense feeling again ...
GK: Not here, Kid. Not by the stove ...
TK: (CONSTRICTED) I feel like putting my head between my knees ...
GK: Noo! No! (THREE EXPLOSIONS. THEN BIG EXPLOSION. THEN IMMENSE EXPLOSION) (MUSIC BRIDGE)(CATTLE LOWING, HORSE WHINNY)
GK: Something wrong, Dusty?
TR: Nope.
GK: You haven't said a word for the past three hours.
TR: Just thinking about the bath I didn't get. The bathrobe.
GK: I'm sorry about the hotel burning down.
TR: Yeah, sure. I promised Claudette she could have the mint from my pillow. Now she won't look at me.
GK: Well, we may not have mints, but we got music. (STRUMS OFFKEY CHORD)
TR: Oh no. Please. (TUNING) Why don'tcha just shoot me and put me out of my misery?
GK: That's funny. It was in tune when I bought it. (HE TUNES, A LITTLE BETTER) - just got to remember how these pegs are supposed to be lined up. (STRUMS, A GOOD CHORD) There we go. (HE STRUMS)
Good bye, Old Paint, I'm a leavin' Sioux Falls
Good bye, Old Paint, I'm a leavin' Sioux Falls
I'm a leavin' Sioux Falls, I'm goin' to Rapid City,
I'm tired of the Lutherans, and all their committees.
Goodbye Old Paint, I'm a leavin Sioux Falls
I'm tired of the Lutherans, their hymns and chorales,
I'm leaving Sioux Falls and I'm going to Deadwood
Where you do as you want to and not as you should.
Goodbye Old Paint, I'm a leavin Sioux Falls
I'm tired of the guidelines and the fences and the walls
I'm leaving Sioux Falls and I'm going to Lead
Where you drink when you're thirsty and you take what you need.
Goodbye Old Paint I'm a leavin Sioux Falls,
Where your wife expect you to come when she calls
I'm a leavin Sioux Falls, I'm goin to Sturgis
Where a man can give in to his passionate urges.
TR: Thank you for not yodeling.
(GK YODEL TR PAIN)
(THEME)
SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS ... was brought to you by Sundown deodorant and snake spray - does your present deodorant contain ingredients that keep snakes from crawling into your bed while you sleep? If not, you better try Sundown. You smell good and you don't get bit by snakes either.
(MUSIC OUT)
(c) 1999 by Garrison Keillor